You know, I really respect the guy that came up with the idea of the automatic bathroom paper towel dispenser. I mean, the guy clearly is missing key sections of his frontal lobes and therefore didn’t think things through, but the idea in and of itself has merit. I mean, who really wants to have to touch the handle of a towel dispenser? Knowing that 75-85% of the guys that actually bother to “wash” their hands don’t use soap? Just thinking of the nasty stuff that John Q. Public has on his wang that he then casually wipes on the towel dispenser makes me want to crawl into a corner and weep.
So the original plan was good. Just wave your hands in front of the thing, and poof it spits out a certain amount of paper towel, which you then tear away and use to dry your hands, face, and crotch (which is usually wet from accidentally leaning against the counter, since the average American male apparently cannot wash his hands without splashing water around like a 4-year-old in a bathtub). Good plan, but subtly flawed:
- Significant sensor issues. For one thing, manufacturers can’t agree where the sensor should be. Sometimes it’s on the front; sometimes it’s on the bottom; sometimes there’s a thing on the front that looks like a sensor, but it appears to be decorative. Coupled with this issue is the fact that whatever sensor they use isn’t sensitive enough to note my frantically waving my hands around it like a spastic in a Taekwondo class, and the entire concept of not having to touch the device and share germs is negated by me punching it until the front of it falls off and I can retrieve my own goddamn paper towels, thank you very much.
- Paper amount. When you finally convince the thing that yes, you really do want some paper, and you’re not standing there waving and screaming because you’re practicing Evil Yoga, it gives you a piece of paper approximately 8″ by 8″. Which is about the amount that I use to dry one side of my thumb. Dammit, I need like 5 square feet of paper to dry off my massive meathooks! So, I end up standing in front of this stupid device, frantically waving my hands all around it, and periodically tearing off a small piece of paper to dry my hands, repeat 8 or 9 times while crying.
You know what I’d like to see on the dispensers? A big button, right in the middle, that says “press here if the bloody sensor has gone retarded.” That’s a fair compromise. I might get germs on that particular finger, but odds are I’ll have it in my ear or nose within 15 minutes anyway, so there’s no great loss.
