matthearn.com

You may have gathered from last week’s McDonald’s post, I’m back on my low-carb/no-carb/hohoho-carb diet. The reason for this is simple: at about the end of last summer, I was around 230 pounds; now I’m around 260 pounds. Bad, bad, times. Last summer I was wearing pants with a 36″ waist, and now I’m back up to a semi-snug 40″. Totally weak.

SO. I’m back on the low-carb jaun, which I hopefully didn’t ruin on Saturday night at Ian’s birthday party by doing a couple shots wit’ my peepz, yo. In the spirit of this, I wanted to share some of my “favorite” (the quotes indicate Sarcasm^TM!) low-carb recipes with alls of y’alls, so here it be at:

• Microwaved Meat Chunks: purchase a flat hunk of sirloin, and throw that bad boy in the microwave and cook it on low for like 40 minutes, aka the amount of time it would probably take to do it in the oven anyway. I told you: I’m clinically idiotic. Like, a wonder of medical science.
• Roasted meat chunks: Do the above in an oven at 300 degrees, maybe even throwing the temp up to 500 at the end in a failed effort to get a nice crispy crust on the outside. Ha ha! It doesn’t work! You just overcooked your meat! It was still reasonably tasty, due to buying a cut of meat that consisted of at least 73% fat. Yay: fat.
• Beef Jerky: Invest in a food dehydrator. They are beyond awesome. I just throw a chunk of low-fat meat in the freezer for a little bit so it’s easier to slice. Once duly sliced and whatnot, I throw them bad boys in a freezer bag with roughly a gallon of Worcestorshire (pronounced: Northolt) Sauce and let it fester in the meat drawer of the fridge for 24-48 hours. Then, I put the slices on the trays in my meat dehydrator, salt them liberally, and get to the drying. Within 6 hours, I have enough dried chunks o’ meat to make sure I need dental floss on me at all times for almost a week.
• Egg Salad: First, boil the eggs (it’s best to use old ones; they’re easier to peel, and give you that musky aroma that normal humans associate with cat urine) thusly: throw them in a pot with water, bring to a boil, boil for 10 minutes. Turn off the heat, and then drain the water and replace with cold. Peel the eggs. Hand the eggs to Sarah Hearn, who mutters something about her “preciousssss,” disappears for 20-30 minutes, and reemerges from unknown climes with the best egg salad ever devised.
• One Dozen Warm Meat Patties: Go to McDonald’s. Buy 6 double cheeseburgers. Throw away bread. Eat remainder (pickles optional).
• Mung: Uh…nevermind.

That’s basically what I’ve eaten for the last week, and what I will continue to eat for at least another week, until such time as the little pee strips I need to go buy indicate that my body has entered Super-Duper Fat Burnin’ WOOOOOO Mode. Challa!

(Note: This diet precludes the actual consumption of challa.)