matthearn.com

Me and my body? We can no longer kick it. We are not friends. I DESPISE THE CHUB.

In short: I have a muffin top.

Back in May, I was a fit-and-trim fighting weight of about 225 lbs. (hey, I’m a big mamma jamma, there ain’t no way around it), but through decay and hard living I have regained most of the chunk around my middle. I now have a body only a wife with serious vision issues could love (HW admittedly does still love my butt, nasty fungus and all), and I think it’s time to make a change.

Here are the options I’m considering:

1. Go back to the low-carb jaun. This worked like a champ last time, but I hate it. I get no cereal, no beer, no potatoes. It’s basically nothing but bacon and cheese. Not that I have anything against bacon and cheese, of course. But what good is bacon without beer?
2. Do a calorie cutting diet. This is worse; I just hate keeping track of all the crap I eat in a given day. Plus, sometimes I just don’t have any idea what the nutritional value of an item might be. If I go out to dinner, I’ll order a salad or something, but I don’t really have any idea how many calories are in it, particularly if it contains little mandarin oranges or something, which they always do, just to MESS ME UP. Restaurant dining is like a roulette wheel this way, and HW and I like to eat out.
3. Exercise. Hahahahaha! Boo to that.

It would help if my wife and I weren’t basically the worst possible support for one another. Here’s how many of our conversations run:

Sarah: “Man, I’d sure like to lose about 10 pounds.”
Matt: “Yeah. You hungry?”
Sarah: “I could eat.”
Matt: “Good, I ordered 2 pizzas and 50 wings. Let’s drink beer until we see demons with Benicio Del Toro’s head on ’em.”
Sarah: “Okay.”

So it’s going to be a tough row to hoe. But I’m confident I can do it.

After I finish these cheese fries.