Man, whole milk is awesome. Normally at Casa De Hearn, we drink 2% milk, in a valiant but Spartan-like effort to keep us from turning into perfectly round bundles of chub. (For the purposes of this conversation, chub means “obesity,” and not “half-fatness,” if you catch my winking drift.) The other day, HW noted that we were out of milk, so I said “Ain’t nothin’ but a thang, boo, we roll up onz the Shizell, get some pizetrol and a gallon of dat swizeet bovizine nectah…mmmm…BEOTCH!” and stopped by the gas station by the house.
I left HW in the car to ponder why the hell she married someone with such obvious and major mental ish, and went inside. There I discovered the following:
- 2 gallons of 1% milk, each extremely dented. One of which looked like the milk had actually contracted within the jug, sucking the sides in. I said “BOO TO BOTULISM” and passed on those.
- 3 gallons of skim milk, which I won’t drink because it tastes like pigeon poop. Plus it’s fricking BLUE, which is just filthy. What do I look like, a Fugate? (Obscure reference explained here.)
- 8 gallons of whole milk, calling out to me with their creamy white goodness.
I kicked it with the whole milk, and I cannot tell a lie, it’s so flavorful and awesome. It’s like when I occasionally drink heavy cream, except without quite as much chest pain and arm numbness.
It’s worth noting that I’m fatter than I’ve ever been before.
If’n you ever make it up here to VT, we’ll get you some ‘dairy fresh’ local milk… Mmmmm.
Still comes in glass bottles that you need to return to the supermarket to be autoclaved and re-used at the dairy.
Yo hearn,
So I was at work and decided to check out your site. What’s with the flowers man? Don’t really fit in with the classic Matt Hearn Delaware-Redneck-Nascar-Huge-Belt-buckle-and-cowboy-boots days of yore.
Still, I’m oddly turned on by it.
You’ve inspired me to get my butt into the 21st century and I now have a blog of my own. http://ccwesleysblog.blogspot.com/
Oh hells yeah.
Hearn man, just so you know, I’m all about the whole milk. I heard somewhere that drinking a cup of whole milk is like drinking a cup of bacon grease. mmmmm…bacon grease.
Just chillin’ out down here in Norfolk, applying for residency programs for next year. Popped in the chromes disc from last december’s show. Prayin’ fer Daylight is pretty sweet except for the fact that you solo on it because YOU SUCK!
Just kidding. You know I love you DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HEARN!
Hello to HW!
Keep on Truckin’ (just so you know, i’ve recently decided to end all e-mails, both professional and private with this tag line as i find it humorous and inspirational)
Wesley
Yeah Hearn,
Actually, I was trying to talk like you because I think that you might be my idol.
Allow that thought to sink in.
Are you saying I should start smoking crack? I mean…what’s the deal?
How’s life up in DE man?
Wesley