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Archive for December, 2005

December 27th, 2005 1 comment

I hope everybody’s Christmas was festive as festive can be. I had my usual busy holiday, with three church services on Christmas Eve, followed by late night partying, and then two straight days of eating and drinking and opening presents. Totally righteous.

Friday I had off, so I spent most of the day wrapping presents and doing some light cleaning and making a massive standing rib roast (which ended up being delicious, as is to be expected since I’m awesome). Brian came over at about 2 of the clock so that we could repair his brakes, which almost ended tragicomically.

In order to get the heavily-rusted lugnuts off of his left front wheel, I had to stand on the spare-tire-changing-wrench in hopes that my massive weight would loosen things up. What happened instead was that the lug bolt simply sheared off the wheel. I had to send Brian in my car to Pep Boys (I didn’t want to leave my roasting meat) to get more lug nuts and bolts. He returned with what appeared to be identical bolts, but vastly more massive actual nuts, so now on each front wheel he has three old brown-and-rust-color nuts, and one massive silver nut that sticks out about an inch further than the others. Totally classy.

Anyway, we finally got everything apart, and managed to get the brakes changed in just a few hours, and I don’t think that Brian has driven into anything, so they must work okay.

Saturday I was able to sleep in (I was on call and got a bunch of annoying pages), and then did church-related things from about 3pm until about 12:30am, followed by drinks and snacks at Dana’s, followed by sleep.

Sunday morning we got up, did our own presents at home (I got official Napoleon Dynamite chapstick, ’cause my lips hurt real bad), then went to Sarah’s parents, where we exchanged gifts and had brunch and hung out for several hours. Then to my parents for dinner and companionship.

Monday I didn’t have to work, so we drove to my parents to do our fambly gift exchange, and then had dinner there with my grandmother and my aunts and uncles and whatnot. ‘Twas all GOOD TIMES, I tell you.

Nobody got me a new hat for Christmas, but I forgive them, since I didn’t ask for one.

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December 22nd, 2005 1 comment

OMG I am totally like so unbelievably sorry that I straight disappeared on allsayallz for the last 2 weeks. Work is gettin’, it’s gettin’, it’s gettin’ kinda hectic, plus Christmas just adds a level of business (not stress. Xmas is not about stress. Just lots of stuff to DO!) that keeps me a hoppin’, yo, with no time for my usual semi-frequent updates.

BUT! I do have a special reward for those of you that have been patient with my various incompetencies. HW and I had an ultrasound this morning, and through the magic of medical technology, a flatbed scanner, and the Eentarweb, I give you our offspring, who for now we are naming Skeletor Hearn:


Click the picture for the fullsize jaun. Right in the middle is the face, looking straight at you. To the left of that is an arm, upon which the baby is resting his or her head as if in the classic “Thinker” pose. This baby? He or she is a Thinker, dammit.

Before you ask, no, we don’t want to know the gender until it plops forth. I, however, think it’s a girl (just a hunch), in which case I’m going to spend the next 25 years browbeating all of my friends’ sons (since almost all of our child-bearing friends have had sons, with few exceptions). Earlier on, Brian brought up the possibility of his newest son (due the same week) and our suspected-daughter getting their nookie on, at which point I informed him that no one is allowed to discuss the possibility of sex with my female progeny until such time as I am dead. Knowing, of course, of God’s sense of humor where I am concerned, this merely adds to my hunch about the gender.

YAY FOR BABIES YAAAAAY me like

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December 9th, 2005 2 comments

Can someone PLEASE explain to me why everybody likes the White Stripes so much? Ya know? What the hell. Let’s review. We have a brother and sister combo consisting of:

  • The brother, who plays guitar mediocrely and piano at about the level of a 7-year-old with only two fingers on his or her left hand, and who also “sings” unintelligible lyrics at the top of his lungs.
  • The sister, who plays the drums like she’s having some kind of seizure and can’t play a fill worth two craps in a plastic baggie.

They dress up like they’re going to crash a Goth wedding and record an album, and everybody’s like, “Oh my God! They’re the rebirth of music!” I saw them on the Daily Show last week and said “Man, this is the vaunted White Stripes? They sound more like the Skidmarks.”

I just don’t get it, is all.

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December 7th, 2005 1 comment

WednURLsday this week consists of (drum roll, bitte):

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December 5th, 2005 No comments

So in order that the celebration of my ability to reproduce can continue and grow, I have created an Online Baby Pool Thing Wooooooo! Simply go here:

http://www.expectnet.com/

In the upper left, in the field labelled “Go directly to a game by entering the game name:”, enter “Dontrello” with the capital D since it’s all case-sensitive and might get confused. Once there, you can enter guesses as to when the urchin will pop forth, what its gender might be, and exactly how much it’s going to destroy HW’s poor loins on the way out. (Meaning, weight and length. Of the baby, not Sarah’s loins.) It’s good fun for all, I’m TELLING you. Do it. DO IT NOW.

In other news: websites that have names like expectnet.com, thusly making me forget and type in expect.net, irritate me. I should move this whole site to matthearncom.net and then set up matthearn.com such that it just has a big picture of a wang. Possibly my own; possibly yours. Who’s to know?

That is all.

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December 1st, 2005 No comments

Everybody talks about how awesome “naturalness” is. Like, when you go to buy food, you’re supposed to buy organic “all-natural” crap. Avoid preservatives, wear only hemp, drink only water, and smoke enough marijuana to choke a goat.

You know what I say? To hell with naturalness and healthy living.

In the past 5 or 6 years, I have taken certain steps to try and improve my health, usually via a “natural” method, and it doesn’t make a lick of difference. I quit smoking, and yet I still can’t climb 5 flights of stairs without having to stop halfway, hunch over, and spit on the ground for a few minutes. I started drinking more water instead of soda, and 1. I actually feel less moist (my skin is dry, my throat is raw, my nose is all stuffed up with dry snot) and 2. I can’t stop peeing.

(To be clear: what I mean is that I have to go to the bathroom constantly. Not that I’m sitting at my desk right now wetting my pants or jetting forth a continuous stream into a bucket. Although at least in those cases I wouldn’t have to get up.)

I’ve tried exercise, and it just hurts, and doesn’t do anything to improve my ability to take a breath or shed fat. I’ve cut my daily calorie intake to something around 1600 calories, which by my calculations means I should be losing about one pound a week, which means I’ll be at fighting trim sometime in 2008. Added bonus: I’m hungry every minute of every hour of every single freaking day.

So here’s what I’ve decided: screw natural. As soon as I can save up a big chunk of cash, I’m having all my fat just sucked clean out of my body. The only potential downside is the monetary cost, but you know what? 10 grand is a small price to pay for not having a gut large enough to affect local tides. (I’m told there is a slight risk of death associated with the surgery, but I risk death every time I sleep with a pregnant woman who wakes up in the middle of the night and flings cats at my head claws first. I no longer fear the Grim Reaper. I can take that boney bitch DOWN, yo.)

I’d also like to note that 1) food without preservatives costs more 2) goes bad more quickly 3) tastes no better and 4) has never actually been documented to cause cancer or HIV or syphilis or whatever. So I’m gonna continue eating as many pesticide-sprayed carrots as I possibly can, while crying.

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