I’m getting a little bitter at the fact that googlism.com STILL knows nothing about me, despite the fact that I have the most popular website on the internet, based on statistics that were given to me by my accountant, who I hired away from Enron back in 2002. However, it seems to know lots of things about all kinds of OTHER people I know. Not that I’m bitter. (Oh wait, I guess I already said that I am. Never mind. Shut up.) Examples:

• Jill Knapp is a liaison member from the nrc board on physics and astronomy
• Josh Lewis is getting a little out of hand
• Sarah Hearn is the daughter of george and tabitha skeen hearn
• Brian Smith is god
• Kyle Anderson is deformed and has a 3rd leg growing out of his binky

See? And yet searching for me yields no results! Apparently google doesn’t know enough about me yet, despite the fact that if you google “matt hearn,” I’m the first thing on the list, due to my hotness! And modesty!

So here’s what I’m going to do to fix it. I’m going to periodically post “matt hearn is . . . ” entries so that eventually Googlism will know everything there is to know about me and my radity. I invite you also to add things to your own webpages, or even just leave lengthy comments about how you all love me and wish to bear my children out of wedlock. Here goes NOTHIN’:

• Matt Hearn is a sex machine.
• Matt Hearn is not one who feasts on small children, despite what AAA says.
• Matt Hearn is a lover of the “Guess Who’s Coming to Criticize Dinner” episode of The Simpsons.
• Matt Hearn is the possessor of a right thumbnail that is 1/4″ from quick to edge.
• Matt Hearn is on point.
• Matt Hearn damned sure he saw a bunny running around in the snow the other day, despite what Matt G says.

See how easy it is? Please leave your own complimentary stuff, just make sure it begins with “Matt Hearn is” and something amusing. I plan to throw something onto the end of every post until Googlism knows all KINDS of cool things about me. (Welcome to marketing in the 21st century, you punks!)