People, we need to have, um, a chat. We have a problem, and I’m not sure how to fix it. For the roughly 19348th straight month, the top search that leads people to matthearn.com is:
Well, I can’t say it. Because when I do that, it makes it MORE likely that people will come here looking for things I can’t provide, and that saddens me. Let’s just say it involves a famous, and highly hilarious, black comedian, known best for imitations of Rick James, Lil Jon, and Prince, and for adding the phrase “I’m rich, BEOTCH!” to my daily repertoire. More specifically, it involves his wife, and whether or not she is Asian.
In fact, if you click here, you can go to a search for the young lady in question, and you’ll note my site appears on the second page. This scares me.
Some other interesting search strings:
| dread | Locks? Judge? This is a stumper. |
| prison shank | I do tend to write about this at length. |
| bikerfox | Sarah’s dad has never looked so grood. |
| hippie | I know a few. Okay, maybe one. |
| soul glow coming to america | Doesn’t this sound like an announcement by a misguided Motown group to kick off their new tour? Soul Glow! COMING TO AN AMERICA NEAR YOU! |
| josh groban sucks | True, true. |
| john mayer sux | What? WHAT WHAT WHAT? I will CUT you. |
| your vs. you’re dumbass | It makes sense if you’ve been arguing the subject with your friends for 3 hours. And you’re all drunk. |
| @people.it 2004 | Um…are the happiest people? |
| (dirty christmas poetry) | Why the parentheses? I sense shame. I also sense a complete inability to grasp the concept of “well-formed search string.” |
| ’50s neiman marcus lichen | It almost makes sense. Until the last word. (This sounds like something for which Lileks would search.) |
| babes crapping | This guy has no children. (Also probably no wife or friends.) |
| free fram sex | I’m assuming that “Fram Sex” is the alias of someone unjustly imprisoned for getting it on with an oil filter. |
| blogs download bang bus video -gay | I’d think this was a gag by one of my friends, but none of my friends would be averse to watching gay bangbus videos. (That means you, Jared.) |
| blogs jockstrap | I . . . uh . . . let’s just move on. |
| browneye | I can’t even begin to tell you how much it warms my heart that this search leads here (among probably 3000 other sites). |
| do i look like a slut lyrics | Short answer: yes. Long answer: what lyrics? |
| does jude law have any pets | No, but he’ll soon be taking auditioners for the part of “caged gimp.” |
| friday ezal | “HEY! SMOKEY BACK HERE TAKIN’ A S***! Well, I ain’t gonna tell nobody ELSE.” |
| gay black guy with lawn mower | Porn is really going after specific demographics these days, huh? |
| gay in track suit free pics | Yep, sure is. |
| pictures of men naked in baseball pants | Boy howdy. |
| hearn clothing | I’m expecting to start my own line of capri pants in Summer 2005. |
| how did i get a beer gut | The same way I did. Exercise and self-discipline. |
| how to get remove meat juice smell from carpet | Why would you want to? Meat juice has a splendid odor. |
| post-game hangover o | O, O-U-Z-O, O, O-U-Z-O, O, O-U-Z-O and Ouzo was it’s name, O! (And yes, I did sit here for 15 minutes trying to come up with the name of an alcohol that ends in O.) |
| josh groban leather pants | Hey look, I just threw up in my mouth. |
| john mayer overrated | That’s it, somebody’s going down. |
| fatboy pants | Shut up. I hate you. |
| magnificent breasts | I am the proud owner of a fine set, so small wonder, this. |
| locking for a free condom sit | Ooh! Spam poetry! But seriously, what the HELL is this schlamiel talking about? |
| matthew hearn dds | I’m absolutely terrified at the thought of someone out there practicing dentistry using my name. |
| nipples ice | Nothing goes together better! Except for nipples and chocolate sauce. And maybe ice and vodka. |
| walmart…a store for people like me | This strikes me as an incredible start to a country song:
walmart…a store for people like me |
| horrific fart | When I discovered earlier that not only does this search lead to my site, my site is at the top of Google’s list for this string, I wept. |
It is worth noting that December was the largest month for matthearn.com ever in every category, which warms my heart and moistens my loins. I resolve to make 2005 the Year of Badassidnousocity, so keep checking here for more hilarity and references to obscure pornographic magazines.
I am laughing especially hard o’er this entry.
Tonight post-kwire I’m gonna do similar research and present the results… cause I’ve got me some alarming shizznit aussi. -knappppppp
How could you leave out “what are these little red dots on my ass” ?