There’s something wrong with my face.

(Oh, you’d noticed, had you? Smartass.)

And for once I’m not talking about my hideous acne issue. (I’ve had the pores of a 14 year-old since I was, well, 14, and the zits show no sign of clearing up after 12 years.) Folks who see me on a daily basis probably have heard me complain about this, but I am low on one of the more manly human characteristics: body hair. Except for what’s on my scalp, and a prodigious collection around my wang, I’m largely hairless. Even what hair I have is totally lame; for example, the hairs on my chest all point UP. And don’t even get me started on my nipples (the left one has all of 6 hairs of varying lengths; the right one is completely surrounded by a tuft of growth thick enough to be seen through tshirts). Also, I don’t get any moustachio hair that’s not thin and completely blond.

Some of you are probably somewhat grossed out. This pleases me.

Anyway, I bring this up to share with you a new project: sideburns. I can’t technically really grow any, because my beard stops roughly 3/8″ of an inch from my natural hairline, but I’m planning to grow my hair out anyway, so I’ll just let it grow down over the part where there’s no facial hair. I wanted to share with you my progress after approximately one week:

What do you think? I think I’m well on my way to a stylish new look. I’m contemplating the possibility of getting some Rogaine to see if I can inspire some growth in there, although I hear that steroids can have the same effect, and Lord knows I’d like the opportunity to get all buff and sexy and get the chicks.

I mean, get A chick. My wife. That’s the ticket, yeah!

I’m gonna let these things grow for a while longer yet, despite protests from Sarah, who thinks they look pathetic. Although, this rather gives me an idea; perhaps I should grow some other insane facial hair until HW promises to let her bangs grow out. Ah, blackmail and bribery: the foundations of any successful marriage.

BTW: The guys at Free Range Human appear to be alive again. Those turds.