matthearn.com

Are people asleep today? In the 25 minutes it took me to get to the office this morning, I noticed 6 instances of people clearly not paying the least bit of attention to their driving, or to the other cars around them, or to the fact that dammit people I need to get somewhere, stop driving like there is an active blizzard, as opposed to slightly moist roads.

First, I made the right out of my development, and then eased into the left lane behind some kind of Oldsmobile that insisted that the proper distance between cars stopped at a redlight was 347 feet. This drives me nuts for many reasons, but in this case primarily because I needed to get into the left turn lane to make my U-turn, and this idiot wasn’t giving me enough room until I honked the horn for about 20 minutes.

Needless to say, I missed the left turn arrow. Luckily, there was no oncoming traffic so I was able to make my “u-ey” without waiting; if I’d missed the arrow and had to wait 5 minutes for a complete cycle of the light, that Oldsmobile would have gotten its license plate number taken down and reported to, oh, the IRS or something.

Next, while sitting at the red light at the intersection at Route 1, the person next to me realized they apparently didn’t want to be going west on 273; they needed to get on 1 North. So, rather than just turning right onto the exit ramp, (which has doubtful legality, but is definitely less likely to get you ticketed than reversing on a major road), he backed up 100 feet so he could take the proper exit. This wouldn’t normally be a huge problem for me, if he hadn’t timed it just so that he hit the exit at the same time as oncoming traffic began turning left onto the ramp. Technically, he did yield, once the traffic that had the right of way almost hit him.

Then, I had an idiot that apparently was reading the paper, or putting on his eyeshadow, or some such crap, and refused to accelerate away from the stop light. So I honked at him. Well, let me tell YOU, wasn’t I just the biggest #$*hole ever. This guy was gesturing, and waving, and of course still not accelerating, so I floored it around him in the turn lane, and THEN, boy howdy, did he get his revenge! He tailgated me all the way to the next light, at which point I changed lanes in such a way that he got stuck behind a mini-van driven by what appeared to be Connie Chung’s secret black cousin, if Connie Chung’s secret black cousin had a face raisin for a nose. (Which she just might. Anything’s possible in this great land we got us right heah.)

So, in case that fine, turtle-neck-wearing gentleman happens to be reading this: I apologize for interrupting your daily dose of “Cathy” just so I could get to work. It won’t happen again. (Next time I’ll just ram your ass.)

Of course, didn’t it happen again not 3 miles later, when some idiot in a jeep had one of his or her narcolepsy fits in front of the Avon plant. This person was a lot more apologetic about having fallen asleep, but then of course refused to drive any faster than 45 mph all the way into Newark, which happened to be the same speed as the elderly black woman in an 87 Cutlass who was immediately to my left, and whom I had diligently been trying to get past for 2 miles.

The Jeeptard also, of course, followed the standard procedure of blowing through the 35mph limit on 273 at close to 50mph, and then driving on Cleveland Avenue, which has the same 35mph limit, at 25. By the time I made it into work, the tears were streaming down my face, and I was seriously considering placing an order with “Massive Vehicle-Mounted Machine Guns R Us.com.” Then I remembered my job involves doing little more than keeping an eye on a bunch of computers, playing Freecell, and listening to mp3s of the Thompson Twins while my butt spreads out into the shape of my ergonomic chair. And I smiled.

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Face Raisin: a large, unsightly black mole, with all kinds of bumps and wrinkles in it. May also feature prominent, coarse hairs.

There’s really only one way to put it: The Onion-style.

HOLY #*$&ING #*$&
THE EAGLES ARE GOING TO THE #*&$ING SUPER BOWL

I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but we’re going to win this game. Somehow we have to beat the two-time Super Bowl MVP, the best head coach in the NFL, one of the top 8 running backs in the NFL, and a defense that gives up points like a fat kid gives up his bag of Doritos. But we’re gonna do it.

I’m told that the Patriots are favored by 6 points. Lame. We’re gonna crush them, and then I’m going to laugh, and possibly pour beer on myself and others.

I have to figure out where I’m going to watch the game. In a bar in Philly would be ideal, although difficult; inexplicably, Christ Church scheduled an evensong for that afternoon at which I’ll probably be expected to sing. I’m all, “What the hell, man? Jesus is gonna be watching the game! And probably wagering heavily on the over!” But nobody listens to me, because I’m just a little bee in a big hive. Also, I’m one of the sexless drones, according to Sarah.

So anyway, I’ll be stuck at church until 6pm, and I think the game “starts” at 6:30, which means 15 minutes of interviewing random players, followed by 7 minutes of commercials, followed by 5 minutes of watching the National Anthem be sung by a cancerous child backed up by 17 amputee midgets, followed by 11 minutes of commercials (featuring a new Aflac commercial where the duck gets decapitated and eaten by Raquel Welch, who not surprisingly was available), followed by kickoff at around 8pm, give or take 14 Coke commercials featuring polar bears with serious caffeine addictions. So hopefully I’ll have time to strip out of my robes and into my McNabb jersey, followed by driving at a highly non-recommendable rate of speed to a place with a large TV and a massive supply of cheap, low-carb beer.

Hm. Mikey has a widescreen. Note to self: purchase widescreen. Or at least go to Mikey’s for the Super Bowl. In which, I may have forgotten to mention, the #$*#ING EAGLES ARE PLAYING.

(Amusing side note before I run: I’m considering purchasing a new car for my wife, ’cause her transmission squeals like an altar boy in an S&M club. So I’m poking around the Mazda website. Mazda appears to be going for the “hip,” mid-20s demographic of which I still barely count myself a part. Their current ad slogan is “Zoom, zoom,” and all their cars seem to be designed with “performance” in mind: nimble suspensions, powerful engines, sleek lines. I find it amusing, therefore, that their website is slower than VW Bus with a parking boot on one wheel. That is all.)

It’s my birthday and I’ll dance if I want to
Dance if I want to
Dance if I want to
You would dance too if it happen’d to-oo yoooou

Oh yeah. Who’s 27 today? THIS GUY.

Anyway, here are some thoughts on birthdays in general, mine specifically, and why I am the most righteous dude since Simeon:

• 27. That’s an awesome number. 3 cubed. 3^3. 3**3, for the truly geeky. I haven’t been a perfect cube age in 19 years! I won’t be again for another 37! Hey, 19; 37; prime numbers. What’s the difference between 5^3 and 4^3; 125 – 64 = 61. Prime number! I might be on to something here. 6^3 = 216; 216-125 = 91, or 13 times 7. Crap. Nevermind. (Well, at least 13 and 7 are each prime numbers! That’s still kinda cool, right? No? Nevermind.) (And yes, sadly, I just did all that in my head.)
• They’re expecting a big blizzard this weekend! Just like the weekend I was born, way back in 1978! Hopefully this isn’t some kind of portent of doom. (Is portent the right word? Somebody tell me, ’cause I’m WAAAAY too lazy to look it up.)
• Have I officially reached my late 20s? Or do I have to get to about 27.5 for that? Should I start having an emotional breakdown in July, or can my “biological clock” start ticking (LIKE THIS: STOMP STOMP STOMP) now? I just need this cleared up before I drive my wife crazy. (Correction: craziER.)
• Here’s a list of awesome shiznit that has occurred on my birthday:
  • 1189 – Philip II of France and Richard I of England begin to assemble troops to wage the Third Crusade.
  • 1793 – After being found guilty for treason by the French Convention, Louis XVI of France is guillotined.
  • 1853 – Russell L. Hawes patents the envelope-folding machine.
  • 1861 – American Civil War: Jefferson Davis resigns from the United States Senate.
  • 1908 – New York City passes a law, the Sullivan Ordinance, making it illegal for women to smoke in public only to be vetoed by the mayor.
  • 1924 – Vladimir Lenin dies and Joseph Stalin begins to purge his rivals to clear way for his leadership.
  • 1950 – Alger Hiss is convicted of perjury.
  • 1954 – The first nuclear-powered submarine, the USS Nautilus, is launched in Groton, Connecticut by Mamie Eisenhower, then the First Lady of the United States.
  • 1994 – Lorena Bobbitt is found not-guilty by reason of temporary insanity for severing the penis of her husband John Bobbitt.
  • 2003 – The terms of Kevin Mitnick’s parole allow him to use a computer again.

  Awesome.

  Info swiped from Wikipedia

• I think today’s Achewood says all that needs to be said.

A great number of people have asked me, “Hey MattyMatt, what do you want for your birthday?” (Okay, only two people have asked me. It’s cool…I know you all don’t really like me. You just love my doggy style.) In the spirit of Christmas, which of course happened almost one month ago now, here are my wishes for the commencement of my 28th year:

• I want to pay off all my outstanding credit card debt. I’m tired of owing money to organizations that charge interest only slightly better than you can get from a bookie.
• I want to finally finish up with puberty. Ya know? It’s been like 13 years? I think it’s time for my acne to clear up and perhaps for the missing patches of facial hair to go ahead and fill themselves in. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
• I want a set of totally rockin’ abdominal muscles. Something with which to teaze the ladeez.
• I want to bring peace to the world via the expedient of slaughtering all those who disobey me. Wait, I mean, um, via prayer. Yeah. That’s it.
• I want another soda . . . be right back.
• Okay, got it. Mmmm…that’s good Diet Pepsi!
• I want to get in better shape. I’m tired of being overweight and lazy. Who’s with me? Okay, not Sarah. But I’m all about it. After this soda.
• I want a copy of Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell.

And that’s about it. (Sorry this didn’t make it up yesterday; Blogger was on the fritz, and I got TOTALLY sucked in to Wikipedia reading about English Royalty.)

I was never a huge fan of The Honorable Ruth Ann Minner, Governor of Delaware. I didn’t agree with the ban on smoking; I thought it would have been cooler to just force places that wanted to have smoking to get licenses for it, and be stingy with the licenses. I also thought it odd that she’d focus so hard on smoking, and yet continue to allow the refineries on the Delaware River to dump out pollution like 19th century London. But you know, I hung out with her a little bit on Saturday, and she turned out to be pretty cool.

Okay, technically we didn’t “hang out.” It was, sadly, more like the Cathedral Choir sang at some kind of “Thank You For Electing Me Again” party she threw for her loyal supporters. It all went down at the big conference center down on the Wilmington Riverfront, the “Bank One Center” or the “Bank One Monstrosity” or something. We arrived around 2:30, as the staff was setting up the place, so as a result the security stations weren’t ready, meaning that the entire Cathedral Choir could have been strapped and they’d never know it.

Once everybody was there, we grabbed our music and ran through our set, which included two pieces by John Rutter, three gospel tunes, and “Buffalo Soldier” by Bob Marley. (Just kidding. Nobody performs Rutter anymore if they can help it.) One of the pieces was “Every Time I Feel The Spirit,” which features a jammin’ baritone solo by yours truly.

Anyway, the party began at 4pm, but we weren’t going on until 4:30, which gave us time to relax in a room in the back, and gave our audience time to get nicely tuned up themselves at the cash bar ($7.50 for a mixed drink? Is this New York? What the hirsute heck is that?). We went on, jammed out with our collective clams out (those of us that had them handy; I try to keep a few fresh bivalves in my pocket for just such an occasion), and then had to stand there for 10 or 15 minutes while the Governor thanked half of Christendom. I was hoping that the Academy Awards orchestra would start playing somewhere near by so that she would WRAP. IT. UP.

After she was done, we filed off the risers and had the opportunity to shake hands with our head of state and her lackey, the Lieutenant Governor. The Governor took my hand and said, with great awe, “What a voice!”

I replied, “Yo, that’s how I roll, baby girl. Tell your friends.” Or rather, that’s how I would have replied if my damnable conscience hadn’t gotten the better of me; what I actually said was, “Thank you!” and then moved along to where I could gather my coat and get to a bar to watch the football games.

The lesson here is that flattery will get you EVERYWHERE. Because flattery is awesome. I’m so easy.

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Strapped: Carrying a “strap,” or pistol. Sometimes also used in reference to other weapons:

She chased me out of class she was strapped with a ruler
Went to the bathroom – rolled myself a wooler
With bottle in hand at the microphone stand
A. yo homeboy – what you drinkin’ man
©1986 MC A, Mike D., and His Majesty the King Adrock.

Why are you wasting time here, when you could be investigating this? Go! Go! Turn up your sound! I almost peed a little!

Except that it wasn’t “almost” . . . and it turned out to be a lot. Of pee. Now I smell like cheerios.

I’m sure you’ve all heard about Mozilla Firefox, and how it’s the greatest thing to happen to the intarweb since badgerbadgerbadger.com. (If many of the nouns in the previous sentence confuse you, congratulations, you are not a geek. Also, you may be mildly stupid. But that’s neither here nor there.) If you haven’t, here’s the lowdown: Mozilla, who developed one of the earliest world-wide-web browsers, has come out with a totally new and updated version called Firefox. It, like the Clint Eastwood movie of the same name, shoots missiles at its enemies via Russian voice commands is supposedly an extremely good web browser.

Maybe the movie comparison was inapt. Anyway, it’s this badass new browser that apparently resolves a large number of the issues with Microsoft Internet Explorer, particularly in the areas of security and spyware and spam-killing and whatnot. So geeks around the world are migrating to it like swallows to San Juan Capistrano.

Unfortunately, it suffers from a few problems. The nyerds agree that it’s not entirely what it COULD be, although they insist that much of the problem is that people haven’t developed plug-in tools for it yet, like the Google toolbar. Whatever. Not having a search toolbar is the least of the issues:

• It doesn’t handle HTML code exactly the same way IE does. Many compudorks will insist that Firefox handles it BETTER, and in closer form to what the original RFC (Request For Comments; basically everything on the internet is defined via RFCs) specifies. That’s great. Except that when I open my own website in Firefox, it looks like unlaundered skidmarks, because Firefox doesn’t handle comments like IE does, and I built my site with IE in mind. Things that in IE are commented out, appear on the page in full glory in Firefox, such as the comment I had in there at one time that read something along the lines of <!–REMEMBER TO PUT THE PICTURE OF KYLE’S GIRLFRIEND IN THIS SPOT YOU #*&$ING #*&$–>. I think I fixed it, but it’s frustrating to deal with the dual standards.
• If you set Firefox as your default browser, and you click a link in AIM, it opens the link in an existing window. So I hope you weren’t updating your website through Blogger! ‘Cause it may have been cleared out when you absent mindedly clicked on the “Paris Hilton Naked” link your buddy sent you. More frustratingly, Firefox has built-in window tabs (in which you can have multiple browsers that appear as only one browser on your explorer taskbar, but you can tab back and forth between the windows within it), but it doesn’t open a new tab for the link you clicked on. It just wipes out what you might have had open. I almost had a seizure when I discovered this.
• It automatically makes itself the default browser. Of course, IE does this as well, and Opera, and every other browser, but it’s frustrating to have to cut and paste links into IE because I don’t want to open firefox.
• Worst of all, it doesn’t work with my webmail very well. Every time I try to do something, it conveniently forgets it has a “cookie” (the small stored data on your computer that helps your computer remind a website of who you are, which is how Amazon always recognizes you, and all your favorite webcam strippers can call you by name) for the site, and forces me to enter my password again. Open a mail? Enter your password. Go back to the inbox? Enter your password. It gets rather frustrating.

Firefox is reasonably cool, but I just don’t have the memory on my little laptop to run both IE (for emails) and Firefox (for everything else). So, I uninstalled firefox, and I’m feeling much better about myself.

So who else has tried Firefox? Anybody else unhappy with it? I haven’t talked to any geek yet that doesn’t think it’s the bee’s knees.

Because I have no capacity for original thought, I usually find that stealing ideas from the webpages of others is not only effective, but a real time-saver. Accordingly, I swiped Jill‘s “40 Questions For 2004” jaunpiece and shall be getting my answers on:

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?
Conducted a high school pit band; performed the lead of a musical in front of almost 10,000 people over 6 nights; turned 26.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I have no recollection of any resolutions from last year. (If there were any, they probably involved weight loss. They always do.) For this year, the ones I’ve made include:

• Lose the weight I gained at Christmas
• Work harder
• Stop sleeping in until 8:30 am every day

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Jodi and Todd had themselves Conner! Conner est awesomus.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Oddly enough, no, I don’t think so. I’m trying to think back, but I can’t remember attending a single funeral last year for which I didn’t get paid. Which makes for a pretty awesome year.

5. What countries did you visit?
Um…this one. Woohoo! C’mon, I barely left the state. And sadly, I didn’t even visit any NEW states. On the other hand, I did hit every state that touches the Atlantic Ocean except for the northernmost (Maine) and the southernmost (Florida). What can I say? I like road trips.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A body fat percentage under 20%, and a set of rock-hard, slammin’ abs.

7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Hm. This is a toughie; most of the things that were important to me last year didn’t necessarily happen on a specific date. Additionally, I’m horrible at remembering when, exactly, something happened. I guess July 29th was when we opened “Brigadoon” at Longwood; I’m not sure, though. Eh. Let’s pretend this question never happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Brigadoon. It was nice to do something to inflate my own ego, ’cause Lord knows I need that. (Sarcasm is a wonderful thing.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
It’s not something I’m at liberty to discuss at this particular juncture.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Of course not. I’m immortal. What kind of question is this?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
New computer. It’d been roughly 8 years since the last one, a bizarre fact for an IT professional. It’s made it possible for me to do all kinds of cool things, like edit music, track my finances, etc. Totally rad. It also supports decent games.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Lots of people. Sarah, for not divorcing me; my parents, for being awesome; the rest of my family and friends, for being my family and friends (a harder task than one might imagine).

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, as usual.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage interest. WOOHOO TAX DEDUCTION AW YEAH. After that, probably cable TV.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Brigadoon and Christmas. I’m always excited for Christmas, though. (I sure do love me some Hot Xmas Action.)

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2004?
The Heather On The Hill

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? About the same; I’ve got things to be happy about, and things to not be happy about.
ii. thinner or fatter? A little thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? A little richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Everything. I just wish I’d gotten out more, done more things, seen more stuff, partied with friends more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sitting around on my butt watching TV or playing video games.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
The usual. 5 church services over 3 days, brunch with the inlaws, dinner with the parents.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Probably a coworker of mine named Linda. I’m not a big talker, really. I use email and instant messenger more than anything else, but I did a large project with Linda so I was probably on the phone with her a couple hours a week for most of the second half of the year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Already WAS in love, you crazy kids!

23. How many one-night stands?
That’d be zero.

24. What’s your favorite TV program?
Probably Family Guy, although “Drawn Together” has turned out to be unbelievably hilarious. Heehee: “Let’s egg the trainable.” That kills me.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not really. There’s one or two people that drive me nuts, but I don’t hate them. I just wish they would shut the #$*& up.

26. What was the best book you read in 2004?
Eek…no idea. I read a lot, some were rereads. Oh, probably A Separate Peace. I think I was supposed to have read it in school and did not, so I grabbed a copy and read it on the pot last fall. Absolutely crushing book.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Discovering that practicing the piano can be hell of fun.

28. What did you want and get?
Lead in the musical; nice payraise at work.

29. What did you want and not get?
New, better job. Although it’s not like I really worked to find one.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Jeepers, I dunno. I haven’t been to a theater in roughly 4 years. I watched Miller’s Crossing a few weeks back, though, and it was as awesome as I remembered it. Sadly, it was made in 1990 so it doesn’t count.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I were 26, yo. I don’t remember what I did ON the date (which was a Wednesday, as I recall), but I’m sure we had a wild party that weekend at which I probably took off my pants.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Impregnating my wife.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Queer.

34. What kept you sane?
Sarah.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Kyan Douglas Eliza Dushku

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Probably gay marriage, although my feelings on drug legalization and gun rights were always a-bubbling.

37. Who did you miss?
All the bastard friends who keep moving away from me: Kyle, Kristy, Josh, Rachel, Jodi, Emily, etc.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
This is tough, ’cause I met all kinds of people last year. Jenny and Tim Lau, Llij, Shady, and Lord knows how many other awesometastic peeps that aren’t springing to mind.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Work hard, play harder, and don’t let friendships lapse through laziness or “he never writes me back; I’m not calling him until he calls me” BS.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Et resurrexit tertia die secundum scripturas.

Yeah. I’m cryptic like that. You know how I do.

Hi-5!!!

There’s still some stuff to fix, I think, but the gallery and captions are up. And now you can leave amusing comments for each picshture, so prithee do!

Some of you have heard me use the word “awesome” in the past to describe things that I like. Some may think that I use the word too lightly, to describe things that are not really “awesome,” but are merely “super” or “cool” or even “neato.” Thusly, in order that you may understand what I mean, I will not use the word “awesome” to describe the weekend of January 8th and 9th; instead, I will invent yet another lengthy adjective. I’m going with:

Superhumongofreakyfridaycooltasticawesomalicious.

Saturday morning we awoke, stretched, ritually cleansed our bodies (we like to use censers and holy water and stuff; it’s expensive, but WE’RE trying to get into HEAVEN, thank you very much), and caravanned with Fitzy and Rece down to Baltimore. There, we met with Jared, who came up from DC, and Ungafkdalfskljsky and Aaron who as usual were running horribly late due to Ungadjkfs;ldkfjsky having been out for his birthday the night before. Then we went to see: Hi-5.

Shaun Taylor-Corbett, who plays the role of “Shaun” on the TV show and subsequent tour, is a Ychrome Alumnus (and singer of No Diggity and Insomniac: see Ychromes Alumni Concert) and good-hearted fellow who hooked us up with free tickets roughly 15 feet from the stage. They sang all their hits, including “Robot #1” (a personal favorite), “Pizza Pizza Pizza,” and “Straight Outta Compton.”

Even better, we were a group of 7 adults, with no obvious children near us, at a concert geared for humans under the age of 7, so we garnered a lot of attention from the parents of children near us. Their expressions varied from “warm amusement” through “cold annoyance” straight on to “stark terror,” and during intermission a number of them came up and asked us which of the performers we knew. It was like being in Allen Iverson’s posse, except we were slightly less likely to be shot at.

Highlights of the show:

• During the “Captain Puffypants” number, when the two pirates (Curtis and Kimmee) bump into each other and there’s a moment of chaos on the stage, Shaun leaping into a sudden karate stance. You had to be there, I think, but we almost wet our pants. The best part about it was, after we revealed to Kimmee how much we were amused by him doing that, at the DC show she apparently almost lost it when she turned around and he was in his “clenching dragon” stance, staring right at her.
• Shaun revealing that the best frogs in the world come from “Puerrrrrto Rrrrrrico!” Again, you had to be there. Having already peed my pants, I nearly poop’d ’em.
• Jenn sang a very pretty lullaby that got us all a little choked up. It was pretty dusty in the Hippodrome, I’ll tell you.
• Shaun doing all the songs involving Latin beats, despite the fact that he is not predominantly Hispanic, but is predominantly Blackfoot Native American. This never failed to slay us.
• During Curtis’ Star Song, the name of which escapes me, he asked the audience to essentially coax the stars out by doing spirit fingers. In unison, all 7 of Shaun’s idiot friends in the 5th row all put their hands above their heads and started waggling their fingers. To the parents around us, this was beyond hilarious. One gentleman immediately behind us definitely let loose a horribly inappropriate guffaw that echoed through the theater. It ruled.
• Shaun is basically a rockstar for 5-6 year olds. It’s unbelievable. He went offstage at one point and a little boy behind us almost wept. “Shaun!” he cried, sniffing back tears and choking on his oversized tongue. At the end of the show, kids started streaming down the aisles to give highfives to the performers, and one enterprising young man held up a massive red sign reading, “Shaun, please hug me!” We were all like WHAAAAT?

Sadly, Karla did not do the “how to make a pizza” scene which features the lines: “SPLAT! All over my face! I guess it went too high!”

I also got about 50 pictures of the show that I plan to post over the course of the week.

Afterwards, we managed to get into the autograph signing session, where we met the cast, and got all kinds of things signed, including a massive poster/program that Sarah bought at the show. Oh yeah: that’s going in a place of honor on the ceiling over our bed. Then Shaun ran off and changed clothes, and we drove to Fells Point where we spent too much money on a totally awesome dinner at John Steven’s, featuring Brie with Chambord glaze, clams, crab cakes, and totally righteous beers. Kimmee met us there, and then we all headed back to their hotel where we met up with Jenn at the hotel bar and hung out for a few hours, before meandering back to New Castle for naptime.

Sunday we had church in the morning (the bishop was there, so the service was 1 hour and 45 minutes long), and then skedaddled down to Fairfax, VA, for Conner’s 1st birthday party. (I have plenty of pictures of that as well.) It went about as 1st birthdays usually go, except that Conner wanted nothing to do with the cake, so we were sadly spared the classic picture of the birthday boy with cake all over his face, hair, and the surrounding walls and floor.

After that wound down, we headed back into DC where we met up with the Hi-5 crew again, watched “24” in Jenn’s room, and then headed to the “Green Lantern” for Karaoke. The Green Lantern turned out to be a gay bar (one with which Jared was unsurprisingly familiar), which is not a problem, except that it was completely packed. There was no way we were going to be able to get on the stage, so we bailed.

ATTENTION any gay folks at the Green Lantern: when 3 guys and 2 girls wandered in around 10:30pm, looked around for 45 seconds, and then bailed, it was not because we fear homosexuality. Nay, we embrace it closely, as being raised by 10-15 gay mothers resulted in my ability to decorate, cook, and dress with flair and style. The bar was simply too full, too loud, and too smoky. Also, much like at the club in London, I kept getting glances from middle-aged men wearing shirts that would have been too tight on a 7 year old midget.

We wandered back a bit to a bar called Stoney’s, on L street, where we ate cheesesteaks and fries and tossed back a friendly beer or three before bidding our comrade Shaun good luck on the rest of the Hi-5 tour (coming to a major metropolis near you!!!), and heading home, where we arrived at 1:30am, exhausted, but awesome.

Having hung out with three of the 5 members of the American Hi-5 Team, I can report the following:

• Kimmee: Totally awesome, totally sweet, totally hilarious, also easily freaked out when, for example, Jared comes up and taps on your car window and asks for your license and registration while you’re parked on a street in Baltimore waiting for the rest of your crew to find you. Her hair is also rad.
• Jenn: The only person I’ve ever met who is actually BETTER looking than her headshot would indicate. She is deeply concerned about the fate of Jack Bauer and Secretary of Defense Heller’s hot daughter.
• Shaun TC: Shaun is basically the nicest, kindest person I have ever met in my nearly 27 years of existence. If he was a chick, he’d either be 1) the one that everybody loves because she’s so awesome, or 2) the one that everybody hates because she’s so awesome. Luckily, as a dude, he’s not subject to the same bizarre chick rules, so he’s just the bomb. He also is deeply interested in kicking some pirate ass.

Pictures will hopefully be coming tomorrow. Be prepared for them to be EXTRAsuperhumongofreakyfridaycooltasticawesomalicious.