Everybody talks about how awesome “naturalness” is. Like, when you go to buy food, you’re supposed to buy organic “all-natural” crap. Avoid preservatives, wear only hemp, drink only water, and smoke enough marijuana to choke a goat.
You know what I say? To hell with naturalness and healthy living.
In the past 5 or 6 years, I have taken certain steps to try and improve my health, usually via a “natural” method, and it doesn’t make a lick of difference. I quit smoking, and yet I still can’t climb 5 flights of stairs without having to stop halfway, hunch over, and spit on the ground for a few minutes. I started drinking more water instead of soda, and 1. I actually feel less moist (my skin is dry, my throat is raw, my nose is all stuffed up with dry snot) and 2. I can’t stop peeing.
(To be clear: what I mean is that I have to go to the bathroom constantly. Not that I’m sitting at my desk right now wetting my pants or jetting forth a continuous stream into a bucket. Although at least in those cases I wouldn’t have to get up.)
I’ve tried exercise, and it just hurts, and doesn’t do anything to improve my ability to take a breath or shed fat. I’ve cut my daily calorie intake to something around 1600 calories, which by my calculations means I should be losing about one pound a week, which means I’ll be at fighting trim sometime in 2008. Added bonus: I’m hungry every minute of every hour of every single freaking day.
So here’s what I’ve decided: screw natural. As soon as I can save up a big chunk of cash, I’m having all my fat just sucked clean out of my body. The only potential downside is the monetary cost, but you know what? 10 grand is a small price to pay for not having a gut large enough to affect local tides. (I’m told there is a slight risk of death associated with the surgery, but I risk death every time I sleep with a pregnant woman who wakes up in the middle of the night and flings cats at my head claws first. I no longer fear the Grim Reaper. I can take that boney bitch DOWN, yo.)
I’d also like to note that 1) food without preservatives costs more 2) goes bad more quickly 3) tastes no better and 4) has never actually been documented to cause cancer or HIV or syphilis or whatever. So I’m gonna continue eating as many pesticide-sprayed carrots as I possibly can, while crying.
