My main homegirl Jodi sent me another of those amusing email questionnaires! Of course, since I’m averse to adding to other folks spam collections, I’ll just go ahead and respond online so everybody can read how I’m a freak.
- What time is it? Well, this is in intriguing way to start a list. As of right now it’s 10:42, although by the time I finish it will probably be much later. It turned out to be 11:06.
- Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Senor Cardgage. Oh wait, sorry, no. Matthew David Hearn.
- Any nicknames? The Hearn, Waffy, “That Sexy Guy With Great Hair.”
- Parents’ names? Unfortunately, they’re in the witness protection program, but I can tell you that one of them was previously named “Alphonse.”
- Candles appeared on your last birthday cake? I think you’re asking my age. I didn’t have a birthday cake. (I prefer pie.) I’m 26.
- Date that you regularly blow them out? I like to let them burn for a few months before I get to them. It’s kinda like the olympic torch; we get special gas-powered candles. Leaves a funny aftertaste in the frosting, though. Anyway: August 27th.
- Pets? I think we started with 1 cat. Now we have like 11. My house smells like pee.
- Tattoos? Not much of a drummer, personally. Oh, you meant skin art. Got me a cowboy hat and geeeeeeeeetar on my shoulder. It’s why I spend so much time shirtless. That and my incredible ab.
- How much do you love your job or jobs? Computers: Like the work, like the people (mostly), hate the company. Music: All about it. Can’t get enough. Anybody wanna hire a full-time choral singer and pay me like 80 grand? That’d be rad.
- Ever had a car accident? My attorneys have advised me not to mention details. (Short answer: yes.)
- Your fault? Most DEFINITELY not. I’m an excellent, an excellent driver. Excellent.
- Favorite vacation spot? Any warm, uncrowded beach, where I can drink heavily and bodysurf.
- Ever been to Africa? Nope. Not a huge fan of populations of AIDS-ridden poor people. That probably sounds selfish, because it is.
- Ever Stolen anything? Just the hearts of ladies (and mens) worldwide. ::wink::
- Croutons or Bacon bits? Oh, you gotta go with the bacon bits there. I’m on the Atkins joint, so Croutons are out, and I have a love for bacon that’s only rivaled by my love for middle-aged grandmothers.
- 2-door or 4-door? Not particularly picky on this point. My truck has 4 doors, but if I ever got around to fixing up a 1987 Monte Carlo SS Aerosport, it would have two doors. And a MONSTROUS engine.
- Coffee or juice? I like both, but juice is out (Atkins again) ’cause of all the sugar. I drink coffee, although not often recently because I’ve been singing so much and caffeine plays with one’s vocal cords.
- Favorite Salad? Tossed. I PREFER SYRUP.
- Favorite type of car? Large trucks, medium-sized muscle cars, and massive 1972 Pontiac Grand Villes in hideous colors.
- Favorite type of movies? Comedies, action, porn. I mean . . . not porn. I would never watch that kind of thing. It makes your eyes bleed!
- Favorite Holiday? Christmas. Thanksgiving is a close second, but Christmas RULES. I love presents.
- Favorite Food? Beef. Pretty much any form, although medium-rare prime rib is better than sex.
- Favorite day of the week? Today.
- Favorite song? Not sure. Right now, probably “From This Day On” from Brigadoon (Get your tickets now! 478 3355!). I tend to get attached to songs that I sing for one reason or another.
- Favorite TV Show? Probably Family Guy, although Sports Center and Band of Brothers also could be tops.
- Toothpaste? Would I like some? Probably. I taste like cat butt right now.
- Most recently read book? Uh…Stalker, by whatshername. Just a fluff murder mystery. I’m also working on a book about Hold-’em poker.
- Perfume/Cologne: Can’t stand the stuff. Clogs my nose up. Sarah sprays on some kind of flowery crap from time to time and my whole head just fills with mucus. BAD TIMES.
- Favorite scent? Cotton candy and scotch. (You should hung out, maaaaan!)
- Favorite Fast Food place? Right now, Taco Bell. If only ’cause each soft taco, if you just eat the innards and throw away the shell, has only one net carb. So I eat 8 in a sitting.
- When was your last hospital stay? Hm. I’ve never stayed overnight, but I did have to sleep there for a half hour or so while I was getting an EEG in 1991. (I had fainted in health class, so they thought I had a seizure, although in reality they were talking about surgery on testicles and I ::THUD::
What happened? I was in the middle of a parenthetical aside and I woke up on the floor in the fetal position with my thumb in my mouth. Weird. Oh well, moving on.
- How many times did you fail your driver’s license? I assume this means my driver’s license TEST. Ah, gotta love English and the people that speak it. Anyway, I never failed, although getting a license in Delaware is roughly as difficult as finding a heroin dealer in Newark.
- Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Two possible paths: 1) living here in Delaware, suffering at some computer job, have a couple of cool kids that I’m teaching to snap Sarah’s bra, and doing some musical stuff on the side. 2) Touring as a professional actor or musician. No, I’m not drunk again.
- What do you do when you’re bored? Work on my house; answer questionnaires.
How about it? Do I get the job? Oh, wait. Sorry, got confused. I must’ve hit my head when I was typing about testicular surgery earlie-::THUD::
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