This is a public service announcement brought to you by matthearn.com:

Golf SUCKS.

Of course, many of you may disagree with me. You are, no offense, idiots. Don’t be ashamed, though: I once felt that golf was a nice game, an excellent opportunity to get outside. I thought these things just 5 or 6 days ago, when I walked off the driving range thinking, “Wow, I’m really hitting the ball well this year. I should be able to break 100 on Saturday easily!”

Those of you who are longtime golfers know exactly what happened on Saturday morning. But before I go into that, let me explain what exactly was going on. Our buddy Dave is getting married at the end of the month, so we took him out for a nice Bachelor party, at which nobody had ANYTHING to drink, and during which the groom-to-be most DEFINITELY did not get bitten repeatedly by a stripper. (She also did NOT tie him up, nor did she threaten to pierce his testicles with a stiletto heel if he didn’t behave.) Hi Grandma!

Anyway, we began the festivities with a 10:37 tee time at the Skippack Public Golf Course, in Skippack, Pennsylvania. I even warmed up with a bucket of range balls first, and was having great success slamming my 8 iron 140 or 150 yards. I was ready.

Ready to suck, I mean.

My first drive sliced neatly into the woods, but I recovered and managed to get on the green in 5, finishing with a 7, unless you ignore the fact that I lost the ball, which I did, scoring myself a 6. Things went downhill from there, until finally on about the 15th or 16th hole, I scored something approaching a 10, and after that decided it would be best if I just didn’t keep score anymore. (I most definitely did NOT drink most of a bottle of Canadian Club while we were there.)

So obviously I’m never playing again. Until next Sunday.