I think I need a doctor. If there are any doctors reading this, I need a prog-/diagnosis. I figure it could be just about anything: heartburn, extreme gas, ulcers, appendicitis, colon cancer, the hiv, etc.

Anyway, my tummy hurts. It’s hurt since early Friday morning, when I awoke many times in agony, writhing around and stealing all of Sarah’s share of the comforter. (Actually, I suppose I could’ve stolen Sarah’s comforter and THEN developed the stomach pain, what with her tendency to beat the crap out of me when she gets cold.)

Friday night I relaxed at home and didn’t eat much. Saturday it felt bad in the morning, but strangely improved as I drank beer and Scotch and ate breakfast, hotdogs, Mexican food, and cookie dough. Sunday it was much better; just a little tender, which meant it only hurt if somebody poked it (which happens fairly often, what with my Pillsbury Doughboy shape).
Today it hurt, but mainly because I was hungry. So I filled with Yu-Shiang pork, and now it hurts even more! Also I have a bitchin’ case of heartburn.

I thought it might be gas, but I took some Gas-X, and that didn’t help. If I burp, it seems to depressurize me for a bit, but it doesn’t last. Also, I haven’t farted in 4 days.

Give it to me straight, Doc. Am I dying? If so, Sarah will be pissed, what with my total lack of life insurance, and my need for a specially designed coffin to contain my mass.

Queries? Problems? Your brain leaking from your nose? I don’t care. Ah, just kidding. Shoot an email to spam(at)matthearn(dot)com.