Sorry for leaving everybody hanging yesterday; my normal workday of periodically checking my tickets, answering email, not responding to voicemails, and working frantically to staunch the flow of blood from my coworker’s ravaged neck was interrupted by a nice fellow who needed to watch me work on tickets and things all afternoon. So I had postpone anything fun, like watching the exit polls, or updating this dreck, until I went home.
Then a server broke and I was stuck at the data center until 7:30pm, and by the time I got home, pork chops and beer took priority over updates. Mmmm…pork chops.
As I write this, it looks like President Bush is going to continue to be President until 2009, and I can’t say I care either way, really. Neither candidate really had anything to say that I care about, so it matters little to me which of those idiots is in office. The only thing that scares me is that 11 states banned gay marriage, but I just won’t go to those states for my gay marriage needs.
What topics DO I care about? Gee, I’m glad you asked! Although you won’t be.
- Gun Control – Statistics prove that gun control prevents crime. Unfortunately, statistics also prove that gun control causes crime. So clearly you can trust statistics about as far as you can throw them (not very far, if the book is long and thick). So if gun control can’t be proven to prevent crime, then basically it restricts a right based on the fact that many Americans, usually Democrats, are scared of guns. Many Americans, usually Republicans, are scared of gay people. We shouldn’t control either.
- Abortion – What a woman does with her body is pretty much her affair. I don’t think a handful of cells in a uterus is a child any more than I think that the large hairy growth I just burned off my ass with a soldering iron is a child.
- Morality – Anyone who feels that “morality” is the primary issue when selecting a FREAKING POLITICIAN should be prevented from voting ever again. Why? Because morals are the most subjective thing ever. Your morals may say that homosexuality is wrong, and black people should stop being so uppity. My morals seem to follow along the lines of “do whatever you want, as long as you don’t prevent me from greasing up and wearing leather gimp outfits to work.”
- Education – I’m starting to think I should homeschool. Not because I necessarily think the public schools offer a bad education; I went to public school and I learned as much there as I did in college. But unfortunately, the government schools have a slight tendency to turn people awfully liberal, and I don’t need my kids coming home and telling me “Daddy, it’s wrong that you own guns!” because the teacher browbeat it into them. True, not all teachers are like that, but it’s not as if I can pick and choose.
- Porn – Porn should be legal. And if you want to show nudity on TV, do it on HBO. And tell Paris Hilton to cover up, because girlfriend is nasty skinny. It’s foul.
- Drugs – If I’m snorting cocaine in the comfort of my own home, how exactly does that harm anyone else? And if you say, “Drug gang violence blah blah blah,” then slap yourself upside the head. Right now. There wouldn’t be any drug violence if the Drug War didn’t make drug violence so lucrative.
I think that’s enough political manifesto type stuff. Moving on. I have a bunch of pictures from the Halloween party last Saturday, but I haven’t found time to edit and put them up; I’ll try and get to that soon. In the meantime, I leave you with this bit of wisdom, courtesy of The Family Guy:
“Hey Americans, you like movies? I’ve got ‘Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But Praise Allah We Are Not Hurt!'”
Gun control isn’t a problem. Retarded over-reactive gun control is a problem. Gun control, itself, is perfectly reasonable. Gun advocates always use Massachusetts as an example of a liberal state with crazy gun control, but I have a gun license there. Was it hard to get? Not really. It took effort, yes, but the effort was the price I paid for living in a state that actually cares who has a gun.
I find it sad that the state I live in now, Virginia, cards me and takes down all my vital statistics when I try to buy spraypaint at Wal-Mart, but doesn’t make me register a handgun. Prorities? I guess that’s just because there’s no spraypaint version of the NRA and similar lobbying groups.
Gun control, when done right, doesn’t IN ANY WAY infringe upon your right to bare arms. It just adds a little accountability. Same way registering your car and having a drivers license does.
Bare in mind, I love guns. I own several, none of which are registered. The only reason I could see that coming in handy is if I try to kill someone. Go figure.
As for abortion, I’m all about it. I mean come on, if it comes down to a choice between a few minutes with a coat hanger or 18 years of living hell? I’m going with the coat hanger.
Any nasty comments about this can be emailed to me at “clearlyyoudontknowme@mywankisthekey.com”
I guess I wouldn’t mind gun control so much if it didn’t routinely end up in the enslavement of entire populations. See also: 1930s Germany, and the entirety of the Soviet Experiment.
The problem with gun registration and gun-owner registration is that it gives the government a long list of everybody who owns a gun. Which is kind of like giving the Bush administration a long list of everybody who likes to have sex with his or her own gender. PROBABLY nothing will happen, but it’s a bad idea nonetheless, and accomplishes nothing.
And history demonstrates that when it comes to gun registration, eventually, the government uses it to takea way guns. Always. Without fail. Exhibit A being California, which forced gun owners to register their guns and promised that they would be permitted to keep them, and then passed an “assault weapons” bill and suddenly had a nice list of everybody who owned one of the prohibited weapons.
I guess you are right about licensing and gun registration not accomplishing anything… oh, except the thousands of crimes that are solved every year as a result. I understand your concern for the abuse of rights by FURTHER legislation, but in this particular case the value of such a list for law enforcement far outweighs the future risk. I won’t get into the myriad benefits of registration.
Registration aside, clearly licensing of gun owners, or potential gun owners, is no more invasive than licensing an automobile driver. Like I stated before, I was able to get a license without any problem. THe licensing process merely insured that a) I had a clear criminal record, and b) I was educated in firearm use, safety and law.
Thought I’d contribute to this discussion with this little concession speech I received via email:
[Former Independent Candidate for President, Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are heard.]
My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of garments]
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That’s really special. And I mean “special” in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That’s pretty powerful stuff, and I didn’t see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President’s strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio… well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited “moral values” as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy… Who’d have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it’s due.
I concede that I put too much faith in America’s youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples’ tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y’do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.
There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about ’em. We in the blue states are the only ones who’ve been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the one! s standing behind us and yelling “Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!”
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I’m impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it’s not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it’s not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us… we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn’t need its allies, doesn’t need to share the burden, doesn’t need to unite the world, doesn’t need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it’s got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we’re “morally inferior,” I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we’ve done just that.
It’s not a “ha-ha” funny joke, I realize, but it’s a joke all the same.
Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury – as well as conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of “Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.
And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the “media elite,” and the “white-wine sippers.” This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don’t.
So that’s why I’m asking for your vote in 2008, America. I’m talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in ’08! Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.
[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL BACK to reveal the rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and the empty field beyond.]
Exactly what statistic are you citing that shows that having gun registrations and licensing solves thousands of crimes a year? ‘Cause I call bullshit on that one.
And since it’s a documented fact that in every situation in which guns and owners were registered with the government, eventually that government used the list of owners and guns to take them away. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
a) Half of my ballistics training involved matching bullets, shell casings, etc. to guns in the system. There are numerous databases of such data used by law enforcement every day. If the gun is NOT in the system the bullet and/or shell casing can often times at least be matched to a probable make and model of firearm. This is then used to cross-reference who in the area, or involved in the investigation already, might have such a weapon. This is one of the top tools used by investigators to solve firearm-related crimes, and is only possible when firearms are registered. Call bullshit all you want, but know what you are talking about first.
b) I like that you claim gun registration has led to abuses by government in EVERY instance. And yet there are plenty of states and counties currently requiring registration that have not used this data in such a way. What about those? Do they not count? Or are you counting them because you assume they will eventually do it? Here I have to call bullshit.