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I LOVE THE INTERNET. (But noooooot as much as you, you see.) When I was in Acme yesterday, a song came on the PA that I was like, “Hey, I’d forgotten about that song, that’s a good jam. I’m gonna look that up when I get home and download it.” But I forgot […] I’m sure many of you have been wondering: Hey! I know Matt must have done something highly amusing for Halloween. Where are the freakin’ pics of the hilarity? Well, bichon frisse, here you go. And worry not about the smallness of the imagery, as forsooth you can click on ’em and makes ’em real big-like. […] Normally, I try to avoid political discussions on here, mainly because my beliefs are contradictory and weird, and also because I’m a wuss and I hate getting into arguments that always end up being very personal. Nevertheless, I wanted to get something out regarding the concept of torture. Torture’s been in the news a […] Last night Sarah reported that she wanted to watch a movie, so we sat down and rented “Garden State,” which she had seen, but I had not. (If it seems odd that Sarah would request that we watch a movie but then defer to me to make the pick, then YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T KNOW MY […] I need help analyzing another dream. Except that I don’t really remember the dream. What I remember is this: At about 12:30am last night, I woke up, sat bolt upright, and started frantically looking around the bed, saying, “Where are they?” Sarah wakes up and says, “Where are what?” “There’s supposed to […] Me and my body? We can no longer kick it. We are not friends. I DESPISE THE CHUB. In short: I have a muffin top. Back in May, I was a fit-and-trim fighting weight of about 225 lbs. (hey, I’m a big mamma jamma, there ain’t no way around it), but through decay […] Man, whole milk is awesome. Normally at Casa De Hearn, we drink 2% milk, in a valiant but Spartan-like effort to keep us from turning into perfectly round bundles of chub. (For the purposes of this conversation, chub means “obesity,” and not “half-fatness,” if you catch my winking drift.) The other day, HW noted that […] Last Monday I had jury duty. I know what you’re thinking: “Dag, Jiffypop, seems like you end up with mad jury love every 2 years on the dot!” You’d be right. Since I became eligible for juries at age 18, I have been called four times. In 9 years. I’m a popular guy, down at […] You know what sucks? Pee Shivers. Because THEY CAN KILL. I’m in the john a few minutes ago, draining the main vein, and I get a pee shiver. I dunno what causes it; perhaps it’s as simple as cold air on the wang, but whatever it is, it causes a full body shake and […] |