The human body sucks. Well, mine does. Yours is awesome. All svelte and muscular, lithe and tanned. I hate you. Get out of my sight.
Let me start over: my body is weird. If I’m not dieting, my usual daily caloric intake rivals that of a Kodiak Bear. Seriously, it’s like 4000 calories a day. My body has settled into a nice rhythm in which I hover just shy of 250 pounds on that diet, at least for a while, and then it seems to realize “Hey, the good times are here, might as well store some of this!” and then I start to develop freakish hairy jowls. Then I go on a diet, like the crazy strict one I’m on right now (it’s 12:30; I’ve been up for nearly 6 hours, and so far I have eaten one (1) 6 oz. container of strawberry yogurt and one (1) 6 oz. piece of braised salmon and shortly I’m planning on having a salad perhaps with a poached egg), take in like 1500 calories a day, and barely lose any weight at all.
I’m told this is because my body thinks I’m starving (which I am; I’m so hungry right now I’m eyeing up one of my more succulent cats) and so it stops burning calories. I’m going to figure out a way to make it burn them if it kills me. Except that I won’t exercise, because I hate it. It’s not just that I hate the actual physical exertion (though I do), but if I go jogging for a half-hour I have to allocate 10 minutes to change clothes and walk out to the track, 30 minutes to actually run, and then another 30 minutes to shower and change back into my fat boy pants. It’s worse if I go to the gym because there’s a 25 minute commute involved, and when I go to the gym I try and spend 90 minutes lifting and running to make the drive worth it, which means I’m using roughly 3 hours.
Do I have 3 hours to spare in any given day? In a related question, do I have a 20-month-old son? I think you have your answers.
Perhaps I should take Peyton Manning’s advice and just buy some bigger shirts.
Hey, Dr. Fattiness, check out “Body of Life”. Not the exercise portion, but the eating schedule.
The trick? Eat meals the size of your hand 5,6, maybe 7 times day. The MORE frequent meals will kick start your metabolism and the small portions will keep your caloric intake at a manageable level.
-Dr. Feedyer Face
(since I am living it) I recommend the “Accept that if we are created in God’s image than the Holy Spirit must really like steak and potatoes” mantra and just do your best to be a very “in shape” big man.