OMG I have TOTALLY figured out how to be thin, and I am going to share it You, The Reader! It’s very simple, and will TOTALLY WORK FOR YOU.
First, you must figure out how much you want to weigh. I would like to see if I can weigh 200 pounds, although in reality if I were to be that slender you would probably call 911 because I would look I just walked out of the desert.
Second, you have to figure out how many calories you need in a day based on the weight you would like to be. (Just do some googling, you lazybones, there are calculators EVERYWHERE.) For example, apparently a 200 pound man of average daily activity burns roughly 2600 calories per day.
Lastly, you have to figure out exactly how much roasted skinless chicken breast, baked potato with salt, and butter fits into that calories, and divide it up to eat all day! Super simple. You can even just blend all the potatoes and chicken and butter together and drink it in shake form throughout the day!
Using my example, I need to take in 2600 calories. Diet AuthoritiesTM (yeah, I don’t really know who either) tell me that you want to divide those calories up thusly: 30% protein, 20% fat, 50% carbohydrates. So I need 780 calories of protein, 520 calories from fat, and 1300 calories from carbs.
I’ll get my carb calories totalled first, since neither chicken nor butter have any, and I’ll know how many potatoes I have to eat tomorrow. 1 ounce of baked potato with skin reportedly has 24 calories from carbs and 3 calories from protein, with negligible fat, so I will need 1300/24=54.16 ounces of potatoes, or roughly 3 1/3 pounds! That sounds like a lot, but don’t forget: potatoes taste awesome.
The potatoes also contribute 54.16*3=162.5 calories of protein, so I only need to get another ~620 calories from that, which I’ll get from my chicken. 1 ounce of skinless chicken breast contains 16 protein calories, so I’ll just go ahead and roast up 620/16=38.75 ounces, or about 2 1/3 pounds, of tasty chicken. This will also give me 38.75*9=349 calories of fat, so I only need to get 170 more calories of fat, which is handly contained in about 1.5 tablespoons of butter!
All I have to do is eat 2 1/3 pounds of chicken, 3 1/3 pounds of potatoes, and a spare hunk of butter every day for the rest of my life, and I will weigh 200 pounds!
I’m all over it.
UPDATE: It turns out I cannot have any peppermint patties on this diet, so SCREW THIS.
The real secret to losing weight? Limit fat intake, eat more and exercise. Seriously, one, going to low fat isn’t all bad – it’s not NO fat. Two, eating more times a day (not more per day) increases your metabolism. I dropped 15 lbs in 2 months just doing that (and had to thanks to my gallbladder). I could have done more with the last part: exercise. That’s what burns all the extra stuff off. Plus, used muscles (read: stressed muscles) will be 2-4x most effecient. Good ideas with the potatos.
Also, look at the glycemic index. That’s the companion to lowering fat.
Yup. Eat less, exercise more…
Me? I need to get anal about it, so I’ve started playing with FitDay, a web-based calorie and activity recorder and calculator and stuff.
If eating more healthy foods and exercising more is something I can get all web2.0-y about, I’m more likely to do it.