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Today’s topic: The Philadelphia Phillies!

Now, I wouldn’t blame you for disappearing. A sizeable chunk of my readers don’t really care about sports, and the rest know me well enough to realize that I know less about sports than I do about Green Party internal politics. For the one person who stayed: I’ll try and make this as painless and interesting as possible, but doing a thumbs-up/thumbs-down kinda dealy:

• Thumbs Down, as every year, to the bullpen. Taking Ryan Madsen (who’s not all that great) out of there gives us a bunch of no-name guys who collectively scare the living bejeebers out of me. We really need our starters to give us 6-7 innings to have a chance to win a game, and if someone struggles (as they always do), we’re done. Our hitters (who get a big wow from me) will probably put up some runs, but this bullpen isn’t going to be holding many leads.
• A big Thumbs Up to the Jim Thome for Aaron Rowand trade. An aging and infirm slugger who would have to split a position with a talented kid who just won NL Rookie of the Year; a young center fielder with great range, a strong arm, and who batted .310 just 2 years ago. (If only he swung lefty…) An obvious move, and yet one that I think a lot of general managers would overlook. I think this move alone could win the Phils an extra 5 games.

  Of course, Thome will undoubtedly play 150 games and hit 40 dingers. Color me thrilled.

• A big Thumbs Down to the Ryan Franklin signing. ERA of 5.10 last year, with a record of 8-15 (although he apparently had the worst run support in the league). Obviously, the Phils were falling all over themselves to give this guy 2.6 million bucks. Here’s where you’re thinking, “What, for a 4 year contract? 2.6 million over four years is chump change.” Ha ha! This is for one year! It’s like an April Fool’s prank, except it happened on January 5th.

  Notable quote from the article I linked:

  The Phillies were attracted to Franklin in part by his durability. He has averaged 31 starts and 201 innings over the past three seasons.

  That’s ridiculous. If they wanted, I’d come pitch 40 complete games a year, and I’d do it for about 200 grand. The problem is that my ERA would be like 74. Not 7.4: seventy-four. We’ve given All-Star money to a guy that we’re going to put in the starting rotation to eat up games? This is like giving $3 million to Shane Victorino so he can pinch hit three times a week. No, worse: it’s like giving $3 million to Shane Victorino so he can start in right field and go 0-2 before getting pulled for a defensive replacement, every single game. Except that Victorino never got suspended for steroid use.

  This is the signing that could conceivably knock 5 wins off the Phils’ record, thereby negating the Thome for Rowand trade.

• Thumbs Up to Chase Utley, on whom I continue to have a little man crush. He’s like Pat Burrell, but a little smaller and speedier (though he’s still 6’1″). Plus: he just turned 27, and is entering his fourth year in the majors, his absolute athletic prime. As Bill Simmons will tell you, this is probably the year he makes The Leap.

  (Hopefully he’s not TOO much like Pat Burrell, who hasn’t been able to duplicate his 2002 season [his third in the league], in which he batted .282 and slugged an outstanding .544, only to dip to .209 and .404 the following season. Ouch.)

  I’d like to see the kid hit over .300 this year. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so.

• Thumbs Down, and it hurts me to say this, to Tom Gordon, girls who love him be darned. The man is 38 years old, and while he’s still got some serious pop in his fastball, I just can’t see how he can keep it up in a closer role all season, let alone for the next three years. (This is sort of a half-hearted thumbs down, since if he CAN keep healthy all season while pitching up to three games a week, I think he could be the team’s most valuable player. Also, considering the rest of the pitching staff is basically crap, we’re going to have to win with what looks like a pretty potent lineup of hitters. This means a lot of scores like 8-3 and 11-6, both winning and losing, so he may not really have to work too much. In short: I don’t know what I’m talking about, and you’re losing IQ points with every word of mine that you read. But that’s pretty normal, really. And if you had a lot of IQ points to start with you wouldn’t be here.)
• Thumbs Up to Ryan Howard, who occasionally gets mentioned in the same breath as David Ortiz, but is entering only his second year. I pee a little when I think about this.
• Thumbs Down to the starting rotation. (Which means I gave thumbs down to every aspect of the pitching squad! This gives me no pleasure.) Jon Lieber is a quality pitcher, but his best years are behind him. Randy Wolf always seems tantalizingly close, but never QUITE as good as we hope, and he had Tommy John surgery and is out until at least July. Rick Shanley, of course, can put his 101-mph fastball and devastating knuckler to good effect…oh wait, that’s only in my video game. (In which, it’s worth noting, Brian Smith is a four-pitch closer with an ERA, over 2 seasons, of about 1.3, and Matt Hearn is an overweight slugger who batted .373 and hit 48 home runs in 2005. And Kyle Andersn (it limits last names to 7 letters, which strikes me as bizarre) stole 35 bases.)

  And I can’t figure out what all the hoopla is about Brett Myers, exactly. Maybe his goatee is magical.

  Anyway, April’s starting rotation: Lieber, Myers, Corey Lidle, Steroid-Boy, and then any one of like 11 possibilities. Hopefully they won’t have the same kind of April they had last year, where they spent the rest of the season playing catch-up and came one game short. I would prefer this did not happen.

So here’s the rundown: lots of hitting, no pitching. My guess: 90-72, finishing 2 games behind the Braves, and losing in the ALDS in 4 games to the White Sox when Jim Thome goes yard like 18 times. Optimism: it’s for people without drinking problems.