I have a few complaints about modern music. Nothing major. I don’t think it’s anything that can’t be fixed, with a little effort by the music industry.
For example, is there some rule in modern hip hop that you are permitted to only write one song per album that doesn’t mention “Dolce & Gabbana?” Not that I’m personally against Dolce OR Gabbana; by all accounts, they are two most excellent gentlemen, and their treatment of their midget workforce should be copied by sweatshops everywhere. This complaint also extends to “Prada,” if only because in 94.3% of rap songs, “Prada” and “Dolce & Gabbana” are rhymed with one another, which is sort of like rhyming “Playdough” with “Drano” (two of my favorite childhood toys).
And why no mention of Isaac Mizrahi? I think he’d fit in nicely in a song I’ve been brainstorming for Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott:
I was chillin’ in my crib, wearin’ Isaac Mizrahi
Then some chumps rolled up on a hand-powered trolley
I blasted them fools and lit up some chronic
Went to Neiman Marcus, bought some Manolo Blahnik
Are you feelin’ that? I sure was. I’m trying to figure out how to work in a shoutout to Jaclyn Smith.
Next we need to talk about “crossover” artists. I had always assumed that had something to do with transgender issues, like Garth Brooks and his “Chris Gaines” alter-ego, but now it seems it means a singer who started out in one genre and has moved to another; it’s almost always country to pap, er, pop.
Exhibit A: LeAnn Rimes. I’ve never been a huge LeAnn fan, mostly because she kinda looks like somebody flattened her face with a band saw, but at least she had a couple decent country hits, particularly a couple nice Patsy Cline covers. Now she’s singing super-pop and has totally slutted herself out, as you can see to the right. (On the plus side, I can hardly complain about the increasing prodigiousness of her breasts. They are becoming quite impressive. I love breastameses.) What is up with that? Now she’s positively painful to listen to, and she dresses like an extra in a Nelly video, hardly something that will endear her to her original demographic (old Patsy Cline fans).
“Crossing over” is hardly a new thing of course; back in the 50s and 60s, the line between “country” and “pop/rock” was even less finely drawn, and depended largely on who was producing the record. Elvis, to take a particularly sexy example, recorded everything from country and religious music to pop and rock; small wonder he appealed to so many, since he covered just about all the bases. Also, he had magic moves and an ass that just didn’t quit, plus his hair may have been the best thing since Jesus (not that Jesus isn’t, still, the best thing of all times, of course. So don’t send me emails telling me I’m going to hell, I know it already).
My only real other complaint about the music industry is the same one that everybody has, which is, “please stop releasing CDs by really really really crappy people, such as Macy Gray.” What is up with Macy Gray? What exactly is redeeming about her? She sounds like she smokes 4 packs of Chesterfields a day through multiple holes that have been drilled into her larynx with an underpowered Dremel tool.
Also, I think we can all agree the world needs more Justin Timberlake. He’s like Elvis! I’d like to see him in some sequined jumpsuits. I think the time has come for that.
