matthearn.com

I wasn’t planning to do any updates today, ’cause I’m lazy and fat, but I wanted to throw a quick thing up. I am currently holding a “BIG TEXAS® Cinnamon Roll” from a vending machine here at work. It’s unclear what, exactly, makes it “TEXAS” (or more properly “Texan”), since

1. I have been to Texas two or three times now and have never heard that Cinnamon Rolls are a major export, and
2. The product is made in Chicago.

Still, it’s a tasty little snack, it is indeed big, and it gives me 200% of my daily requirement of “Foods That Change The Color Of My Poop.”

I did not realize, however, that what I was purchasing is an Award Winning Food Product. According to the little blue graphic on the wrapper, the BIG TEXAS Cinnamon Roll has been voted the 2005 Automatic Merchandiser Readers’ Choice Pastry of the Year. This begs several questions:

1. Vending machine supply companies have a trade magazine? Yes, yes they do. I haven’t read deeply into it, but topics near and dear to the heart of the “Vending and Office Coffee Service Industry” include:
   • Rising Speed Limits Threaten Driver Safety; Professionals
   • Industry Sows Seeds of Recovery as Customer Downsizing Subsides
   • How To Pick A Vending Machine Off Of A Stupid Customer Whose BIG TEXAS® Cinnamon Roll Got Stuck So He Pushed The Machine And It Toppled Over On Him
2. The manifold readers of this trade magazine feel it necessary to vote for favorite food products? Who cares? I didn’t select my BIG TEXAS® Cinnamon Roll because it won awards. It’s not a freaking violinist. What the hell, people.
3. The BIG TEXAS® Cinnamon Roll won the top Pastry award for 2005 over Tastycake Chocolate Cupcakes and Blueberry Pop Tarts? And what about Hohos? Not allowing Hohos to be part of the discussion is just flat out gerrymandering or something. Totally not cool.

Ah, screw it. I’m hungry.