The phrase “New Year’s Eve” can bring to mind many different things, depending on your age. Children may only know it as “that night that we went to bed at 8pm, as usual, and woke up at 1 am when Daddy crashed the car into the garage door and Mommy threw up in the pachysandra.” (These are clearly rather precocious children.) Older kids know it as the one night a year that they can stay up until 12:15am before being hustled off to bed because Mom and Dad shared a bottle of Korbel and are “feelin’ frisky.”
Anybody with kids of their own probably thinks of it as “remember when we used to have fun? Now we put the kids to bed at 9 and try to stay up to watch the ball drop, probably passing out at 10:30.” Anyone from the age of 16-30, of course, probably knows it as “I drank three bottles of Mad Dog, and I don’t honestly remember what happened after that, but I woke up with a tattoo of Willie Nelson on my ass.”
Unless, of course, you spent New Year’s Eve in Bethany Beach with us, in which case, here are the things you forgot when you passed out face-down in a bush in the backyard:
- There were approximately 30 people, and 48 bottles of champagne. In case you don’t feel like doing the math, that comes out to 1.6 bottles per person. End result: Fitzy tried to seduce a table lamp.
- For the 7th consecutive year, I ran around the party with nothing on but boxers and socks, which Ian would periodically pull down. (The boxers, that is.)
- I vaguely remember Kirsten and her sister Krystal making out for a while, but that may have been a dream. And what a dream it was!
- I’m sure everyone remembers, “If you ring that #$*&# bell again, I’m going to #$*&#$ pull it off the #$*&# wall,” so there’s no need to rehash it.
- Did Courtney disappear from about 10pm to 2am? I don’t remember him being there. It kinda worries me, wondering what he was up to. Losing track of a 300+ pound man is ill-advised.
- Important Lesson Learned #1: After drinking 2 bottles of champagne, do not awake at 6am thinking, “Man, some eggnog would be really good right now!” You will shortly find yourself driving the porcelain bus. And the bus mustn’t go below 50 mph or it will explode. And Sandra Bullock is there. I hate her so #$&#* much.
- Wade broke a fan-lamp by punching it with his fist. Was he pissed off? No. Was he drunk? Not yet. Is he kind of retarded and lacks motor control? Yes.
- We were definitely the only party in Bethany that had two guys named Pete that threw up all over the entire house.
- I planted my face in a chair (yes, my face) and passed out at 1am. Luckily for all concerned, someone had forced me to put my pants back on by then.
- There were no known sheep involved, but three albino ferrets met a gruesome end in some kind of weird 3am ritual that Rikki performed.
Other than that, it was just a drunken good time. Although it cost me $250 to get that Willie tat lasered off.
