matthearn.com

Bless you, Emily V. It had been too long since I’d received a chain mail quiz doodad that I could respond to online and mock with my words. Here we go:

1. What is your full name?
Matt “The Grinding Apparatus” Hearn

2. What color pants are you wearing?
Khaki, with a few booger stains on the left thigh.

3. What are you listening to right now?
A very loud coworker yelling into his phone. I hate him.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
A small bag of Bugles and a bottle of Diet Coke.

5. Do you wish on stars?
Who has time for that? I wish on food. Every time I finish eating something, I wish there was more of it. (Rarely works.)

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
I’m gonna go with Chartreuse. (Is that a kind of purple? Or is it green? I guess I don’t really know what Chartreuse is. What does that indicate about my self-awareness? Whatever it is, it can’t be good.)

7. How is the weather right now?
Well, it’s kinda hot and humid, and we’re expecting rain later. Not great times. I’m glad I cut off all my hair.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
A friendly customer representative that did not yell at me YAY. (I’m pretty incompetent.)

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yeah, I guess. She’s, uh, cool, or something.

10. How old are you today?
Same as I was yesterday. 27. Hell of elderly.

11. Favorite drink?
I’d have to go with beer. I’m not picky about brand or style, although a good cask ale is definitely very ::drools::

12. Favorite sport?
To watch? Hm. Probably football. To play? Hm. Probably softball, if only because I’m too slow to play football, and too horribly ungainly to play much of anything else.

13. Hair color?
This is a topic of great angst. For many years, I was blond; I have had to accept that now I have become a light brunette. This displeases me. I’m hoping to go prematurely gray. Also, since I got my hair cut, my wife says I appear to be thinning a bit on the top. So I plan to take my own life.

14. Siblings?
One sister, who is rad.

15. Favorite food?
Dead animal of any kind. Seriously. I’ll eat anything that once moved around on its own.

16. What was the last movie you watched? The whole thing?
Eek. I dunno, I watch very few movies, particularly from beginning to end. I’m more of a “flipping channels…flipping channels…OOH Major League is on!” kind of movie-watcher. I’m sure I’ve watched something more recently than “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle,” which I rented about 3 months ago, but I can’t remember what it might be.

Within the past week I’ve watched roughly 47 episodes of “Law & Order: SVU;” those are movie-like, right?

17. Favorite day of the year?
That’s a toughie. Probably Christmas. I love Christmas. Only 6 months left!!!

18. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I am uncertain. I had a lot of toys, and my favorite depended largely on what happened to be in my hands. I got a great deal of enjoyment out of my Construx, though. What with me being an engineering genius and whatnot.

19. Summer or winter?
That depends largely on which I’m currently suffering through. By about July, I’ll be ready for another lengthy winter with lots of snow and cold weather. By about February of 2006, I’ll be moaning about the cold and openly advocating global warming. Clearly, I’m a jerk.

20. Hugs or kisses?
Depends on the gender of the hugger or kisser.

21. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate. And anybody that said Vanilla: you need to stop drinking bong water. Because you talk of madness.

22. Do you want your friends to email you back?
Hells yeah. Nothing’s more fun than a good lengthy email conversation in which I can ridicule the grammatical errors of others.

23. Who is most likely to respond?
Well, technically I’m not sending this to anyone. I guess the best I can hope for is it’ll turn into a meme and some of my friends will cut and paste and respond and we can learn about each other ’cause that’s what it’s all about my friends learning about each other and achieving lasting peace through knowledge and love and WHAP

Sorry.

24. Who is least likely to respond?
Instapundit. Or the New York Times editorial section.

25. Living arrangements?
I share a house with my wife and four obese cats that insist upon sleeping on my head.

26. When was the last time you cried?
I did get a little bit choked up on Sunday while watching “A Perfect Storm.” That part at the end, where they’re rescuing the helicopter crew, and they just won’t let each other give up, and the captain won’t give up trying to get them aboard . . . I always seem to get something in my eye at that point.

27. What is under your bed?
A crapload of dust bunnies and a shoe or two. Also probably a cat.

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Hm. I guess I’ve been friends with Josh since about the 7th grade, so that’s something like 15 years now. I should send him an email or something.

29. What did you do last night?
Went to rehearsal for South Pacific, then came home and crashed.

30. Favorite smell?
French armpit.

31. Clean?
Well, personally yes, I suppose, as I did shower this morning and made sure to exfoliate all my crevices. The house? No. My desk at work? HAHA HELLS no.

32. What are you afraid of?
Islamic fundamentalism; God, or His representative; my wife; change.

33. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn?
Buttered, with salt. Awesome. Now I’m hungry. Thanks. (Jerk.)

34. Favorite car?
This question is extremely complex, as there are a number of automobiles I would like to own:

• 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS with the 454 cubic inch big block engine. That car has 450 horsepower and can light pedestrians on fire with its flaming exhaust.
• 1987 Chevrolet Monte Carlo SS Aerocoupe. The little 305 Chevy small block only puts out about 180 HP, but I’d just replace that with a souped up 350 and go for the monstrous power. Plus a manual transmission. Plus I’d rip out all the seats ’cause of the unnecessary weight. Plus I’d install a roll cage. Plus I’d . . . I’d better stop now.
• 1972 Pontiac Grand Ville. This was my first car, which I drove through most of the second half of high school. In a fit of childish idiocy, I told my father to sell it. (In my defense, it’s not like it actually ran.) I still have dreams about this car.

I would also accept any car built before 1987 with a massive V8 engine in it.

35. Favorite Flower?
I’m not terribly knowledgeable about flowers, but I don’t want to just say “roses,” ’cause that’s lame, and in reality I don’t much care for roses anyway. I’m gonna go with Tulips.

36. Number of keys on your key ring?
At the moment I’m carrying two key rings; one of them has four keys on it, and the other has something like 5. (I need access to a lot of stuff, yo.)

37. How many years at your current job?
About 4 years. WOOHOO FULLY VESTED IN COMPANY MATCHING!

38. Favorite day of the week?
I could say Wednesday, just to freak you out, but I’d be lying. I’m a big fan of Friday, personally.

39. What did you do on your last birthday?
Had a wild party at the house, much of which is very blurry.

40. How many states have you lived in?
Thuh-ree. Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Maryland. I am not exactly a well-travelled mofo.

41. Have many cities have you lived in?
I’m gonna go with 5: Media, PA; Wilmington, DE; Baltimore, MD; Newark, DE; and New Castle, DE.

Well how about that. We’re done! Although I gotta be honest with you, some of these questions were pretty week. And ending on such a lame one…whoever wrote this has no sense of pride in their work. And they probably were high on paint thinner.