matthearn.com

I have decided that I start WAAAAAAAAY too many posts with the word “So,” as in, “So I was throwing up in a bus station bathroom” or “So the new Pope came out of the closet” or “So tell me baby, what’s your sign?” I can’t say for certain why it might be that I do this, but were I to hazard a guess, I would probably say that it’s because I am an untrained amateur with all the writing skill of a rotting mollusk.

You’d think, after something like 4 years of having this website and over 200 posts, I’d get a little better at writing, but the truth is this: I’m not so good at learning. I’m also particularly bad at holding the attention of readers, which is why my webserver stats have been dipping ominously since my peak in January. For example: earlier I spent roughly 40 minutes writing a lengthy rant about why I hate carpeting. Seriously. I don’t use titles on matthearn.com, but after I’d written three paragraphs or so, I sat here wondering exactly what I would title such a momentous piece of prose. “Carpet: The Plush Killer?” “Dupont Fibers of EXTREME PREJUDICE?” “Delawarean Writes 200th Straight Piece of Boring Dreck?”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not planning to stop posting, or anything. I’m just wondering if I might need to come up with some better things to write about than looking around my cubicle for inspiration. So I’m hoping I can spend some time over the next few weeks coming up with some new online fun, such as new caption’d picture galleries and stuff, since that seems to get the biggest response from my mildly disabled readership. Expect changes around here, dammit, BIG CHANGES.

I’ve promised that before, you say? I have two responses:

1. Shut up. Jerk.
2. I’m not playing around this time. To be honest, I wasn’t playing around last time, I just never got the chance to do the stuff I wanted. This time: I will get that chance. Hopefully starting later this week, depending on my availability over the next few days.

So you better be prepared, fools, because the entertainment is just beginning! WATCH FOR THE APOCALYPSE! OR I WILL CUT YOU!

Sorry, I got out of hand there. It won’t happen again. (Or will it. Cut.)