matthearn.com

So I bought myself a bicycle, and let me tell you, I feel quite the badass. It’s a relatively inexpensive Schwinn 26″ jam, with 21 speeds, good brakes, and, most importantly, it doesn’t have one pedal bent out of shape about 15 degrees like the last crappy Walmart mountain bike I bought.

My nifty bike, ‘ceptin’ that mines be red.

I bought all kinds of nifty accoutrements with it, like a water bottle and bracket, a tire pump and bracket, nifty gel-filled riding gloves (partially to cushion my hands against the rough rubber bike grips, but mostly because I’m pretty sure I’m due for about 3000 flips over the front handle bars, and it’d be nice to retain the skin on my palms), and a helmet. This last was a particular coup, since I have the largest head of any human I’ve ever met. I was fairly certain I was going to have to either not wear a helmet when I ride (particularly unsafe, given the 3000 hard crashes I’m expecting), or wear a motorcycle helmet (finding one of THOSE I could get over my cranium was difficult enough, and it still gives me a headache if I ride for more than 2 hours).

I was pleasantly surprised to find a nice foam helmet that I can fit over most of my noggin, and it’s made by Bell, which is a reputable company for safety equipment. I was mildly concerned that it only cost $7.19, but I figure the government has established safety standards for helmets as part of their 80 year campaign to eliminate Darwinism in humanity, so I feel relatively safe in it. And let’s face it, if I get nailed by a semi running a red light at 50-plus, I could be wearing plate and mail armor and it wouldn’t save me.

I brought the vehicle home and made adjustments to the brakes (which were WAAAAY too loose) and seat, and took it out for a spin. Now that HearnWife and I actually live in a large development, there’s plenty of places for me to ride around and hopefully not have to cross too many major roads. Sadly, I’ve been out for rides three times, and I’ve covered my entire development, the one adjacent that’s connected by a small path, and one across School Bell road. I’ve also been across 273 to a small park, which, judging by the amount of graffiti, is routinely the site of major gang wars. Also, significant portions of the path are blocked off by Jersey barriers, presumably for the safety of the gang members.

So now I’m looking for nice places to ride, ideally with a place that I can park my truck for a few hours while I explore. One possibility that I’m considering is that if I find a decent bike lock, I can lock down the bike in the bed of my pickup and drive to work in Newark. Then, during lunch or after I sneak out early, I can take the bike for a spin around the college campus and admire all the extremely fine blond undergraduates.

There’s also the possibility of the myriad state parks, although paying $4 to get in for a few hours sticks in my craw a bit. I suppose I could buy a yearly pass, but I think we’ve established that I am INCREDIBLY cheap when it comes to things like that.

Clearly I’m not cheap when it comes to dropping close to $150 on bicycle equipment, of course. I wonder how much those tight little neoprene shorts are. I feel the need to display my junk to the world next time I go out on two wheels.