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In case you hadn’t heard, I have just a crapload of children, I swear there’s like 17 of ’em running around the house. As a result, I haven’t seen a movie in a theatre since, if I remember correctly, “Quantum of Solace.” (Which was not as good as Casino Royale, but I’m still pretty excited for the next Bond, tentatively scheduled for release in 2072.) If I get to see a film, it’s usually something that’s played on Spike (I’m far too cheap to get any premium movie channels) 2 years after the original release, which is why the most recent full-length film I’ve seen was “Crank 2: High Voltage,” which may be the best worst movie I’ve ever seen. For reals, there’s a scene where Jason Statham and the man he’s beating up turn into enormous Japanese monsters and whale on each other in the middle of an electrical substation.

So, I’d like to do some movie reviews. Keep in mind: I haven’t seen any of these films, so my opinions are based entirely off of 1) stuff I’ve read online and 2) the TV trailers. So, get yourself ready for the first ever Matt Hearn Reviews Movies He Has Not Actually Seen!

• The Grey: Liam Neeson ends up in the woods with some people and defeats a pack of rabid wolves that hopefully play banjos and engage in a little light sodomy. Now, I’m a big Liam Neeson fan. If “Taken” is on, I’ll watch that jam, despite the fact that I have a little bit of a hard time believing that a 55-year-old man can take on an entire kitchen full of armed Albanian bad-asses (spoiler alert: Liam opens a fresh can and kills everybody while remaining utterly unscathed). I’m gonna give The Grey 3 out of 4 stars because it doesn’t feature Katherine Heigl’s cleavage, which brings us to:


• One For The Money: I thoroughly enjoyed the 3 or 4 “Stephanie Plum” novels I’ve read, so I suspect I’ll probably enjoy this movie, plus it contains the aforementioned decolletage. Also I don’t believe any movie with Debbie Reynolds in it has ever gone wrong, she’s like MAGIC. 3 out of 4 stars, only because to the best of my knowledge Liam Neeson never appears to beat the piss out of a wolf.


• The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: I have a policy of never seeing a movie based on a book without first reading the book. So, I gotta get on that like Foghat. In this case, I think I’d also like to see the original Swedish version, although I’ve heard tell that certain scenes are even more visceral than the US version, and I think you know exactly what scenes I’m talking about. Normally any movie with Daniel Craig in it gets 5 out of 4 stars, but I have to deduct a few stars here because Rooney Mara’s character reminds me of a bad experience I had in a bus station bathroom in 1997. (Warning: it can be really hard to tell the difference between spider bites and track marks on a hobo’s arm.)


• Tintin: This movie is remarkable for the real-looking animation, which leads me to what seems an obvious question: rather than spending gobs of money making the most realistic animation ever, wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just film a live-action movie with lots of CGI? 2 out of 4 stars.


• Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked: This movie is worse than terrorism. -37 out of 4 stars.


• Haywire: This movie seems like the best combination of “The Grey” and “One For The Money.” Plenty of action, and the mind-bendingly hot Gina Carano, who could probably beat me to death and have me thanking her afterwards for the mere privilege of having touched me. 6 out of 4 stars.

Last thing: Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of “Waiting For Guffman,” one of the top 10 movies EVER MADE, and yes of COURSE I include “Bloodsport 2” in that statement. In that vein, I present to you the following quotes:

There’s a saying in Missouri, if you don’t like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes.

He can act and he can sing and he can dance. There’s only one other person in the world who can do all that, and that’s Barbra Streisand.

My aunt brought out her atlas that I look at a lot. This big blue book and opened up to New York and it’s an island, is really what it is. It’s this island full of people of different colors and different ideas and I can’t- It sounds like a lot of fun to me. You know, we don’t see much of that in Blaine. I’d like to maybe meet some guys, some Italian guys, you know… watch TV and stuff.

So what I’m understanding here – correct me, if I’m wrong – is that you’re not givin’ me… any money… so now I’m left basically with nothin’, I’m… left with ZERO, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I… I can’t do ANYTHIN’ with it! I need to, this is my LIFE here we’re talking about! We’re not just talkin’ about, you know, somethin’ else, we’re talking about MY life, you know? And it’s forcing me to do somethin’ I don’t wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say “no way, Corky, you’re not puttin’ up with these people!” And I’ll tell you why I can’t put up with you people: because you’re BASTARD people! That’s what you are! You’re just bastard people! And I’m goin’ home and I’m gonna… I’m gonna BITE MY PILLOW, is what I’m gonna do!

Fin.