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Today we respond to folks who emailed asking for advice on various topics. Letter number 1:

Dear The Hearn, I’ve been dating this girl for like 7 months, and I’m totally digging her. But I think she’s gonna break up with me. How do I know, you ask? I just sense a growing indifference […]

Went to dinner over at P.F. Chang’s Chinese Bistro on Sunday, so I thought I’d write a Hearn-style (read: unfunny, amateurish, and rambling) restaurant review!

For any restaurant to be considered “Hellagood,” the ultimate Hearn review rating, it must perform well in the following three categories:

Ambience Service Food

Let’s cover each in turn. […]

Random thoughts while working an all-night change outage:

0032 – I am the man who will fight for your honor. I am the hero you’ve been dreaming of. We’ll live together, knowing [something something] that we did it all for the glory of love. 0217 – While I’m on the lyrics tip, I have written […]

I just realized that I forgot to tell everyone about my wife’s extremely traumatic experience on Sunday, and trust me, you need to hear this, because it was absolutely freaking hilarious it may have scarred her for life, so if you run into her and say the wrong thing (“How do you feel about squirrels?”) […]

So my good buddy Courtney sends me a link. I click on it. Hey neat, it’s some “hunt down Osama” game. Sure, I’ll play it. Doo-dee-doo, pick up the nukes…okay, this is boring. Closed.

15 minutes later, I’m getting IMs from half of my buddy list saying, “Neat game.” What? I didn’t forward that […]

I’m having weird dreams again, although luckily not as weird as this one, since that one involved mutations into Claymonters, and scary black guys with bad acne. (I woke up crying like someone had waxed my butt while I slept.)

Last night’s dream started out reasonably sane; I was involved in some kind of […]

I hab a cod agin. Er, I have a cold again, I mean. I swear I just got over one like 2 weeks ago, but here it is again, squishing my brain like a flower in an unabridged dictionary.

This, and extreme business at work, is why this week is rather light on updates. […]

Scene: Milo‘s place, just after the Super Bowl.

Spanker: Jared.

Spankee: Me, having just had my pills pounded by a small football.