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You know why everyone hates the Yankees? Here’s an example, a text message I received from my buddy Courtney at midnight last night:

YANKS 4 LIFE BIATCH!!! THE CHAMPS ARE HERE!!!

That’s why. Dammit I’m depressed.

Keith “Large Head” Olbermann compiled a great post he calls The Nine Smartest Plays In World Series History. Absotively worth a read, even if I do disagree with number 1. Number 3 struck me, for some reason:

The story is well-known to this day; Gibson, aching, knees swollen, limping, somehow creeps to the batter’s box and then takes a 3-2 pitch from another hall of fame Oakland reliever, Dennis Eckersley, and turns it into the most improbable of game-winning home runs.

But the backstory involves a Dodger special assignment scout named Mel Didier. When the count reached 3-and-2, Gibson says he stepped out of the batter’s box and could hear the scouting report on Eckersley that Didier had recited to the Dodgers, in his distinctive Mississippi accent, before the Series began. On a 3-2 count, against a left-handed power hitter, you could be absolutely certain that Eckersley would throw a backdoor slider. He always did it. And as Gibson once joked, “I was a left-handed power hitter.”

Baseball is the best sport ever. Also: Go Phils!

Stupid baseball, making me and the Phanatic all depressed.

(Photo: Melody Kramer.)

Hey look, the Phillies are back in the World Series. Their opponent is not yet determined, but as the Yankees are up three games to one, I doubt it will be the Angels. So, for a brief moment, let us discuss the matchup between the Phils and the Yankees, position by position. Keep in mind I’m far too lazy to actually look up statistics, so a lot of this is just gut feeling, making it utterly useless for actually predicting anything, but hopefully it’ll spark some conversation.

• Starting pitching – The Phils have the best starting pitcher, Cliff Lee. It’s pretty routine to expect 7 innings, 2 runs, or better. Unfortunately, after Lee, the Phils have Cole Hamels, who is going through a disastrous year-long slump and can’t be counted on against a strong Yankees lineup, and then Blanton and Pedro, who are what they are, but happen to be right-handed and so may have some success against A-Rod and Jeter. The Yanks feature: CC Sabathia, a fine pitcher who doesn’t do well against the Phils, and who may be used on 3 days rest rather frequently; AJ Burnett, who is good, except for when he’s bad; and Andy Pettitte, who is 37 years old and doesn’t seem as effective when he’s not allowed to inject HGH into folds of skin on his abdomen. Slight edge Phillies.

Bullpen – An area of major concern for the Phils. Each pitcher is effective…sometimes, with the exception of Brad Lidge, still the closer, who I don’t trust in any situation where the Phils aren’t up by 5 or more. Ryan Madson pitches like he’s either trying to shave runs for a bookie who’s kidnapped his dog, or just wants to keep things “interesting” for the fans. You know what would be interesting, Ryan? Setting a record for “most strikeouts in a post-season.” Go for that. The Yankees have Mariano Rivera, and honestly I don’t know who else, but it doesn’t matter because if they get to the 8th inning with a lead, Rivera can get a 5-6 out save 99.9999999% of the time, despite being older than my first car (a 1972 Pontiac Grandville). Big edge Yankees.

Catcher – CHOOOOOCH! Carlos Ruiz keeps coming up big in the playoffs, and until he falters, I’m sticking with him. The Yankees do have legend Jorge Posada, who is 38 and a defensive liability, so expect the Phils to run a ton. They could also use Francisco Cervelli, who is younger and better, but I’d expect the Yankees to go with experience over actual skill. Edge Phillies.

First Base – A toughie. There’s no more a terrifying threat than Ryan Howard, but smart pitchers know how to get him out: breaking balls, and plenty of them. Mark Teixeira is slightly better hitter, and as a switch hitter is largely immune to matchup problems, but doesn’t have Howard’s brawn (though he did lead the AL in homers this year, with 39; it’s nice to see annual home run records return to earth a bit, isn’t it?). No pitcher wants to see either of these guys at the plate. Mark Teixeira is a better fielder, but Ryan Howard may have achieved Phillie immortality by telling his teammates “Just get me to the plate, boys” in the top of the 9th at Coors Field and then tied the game. Even.

Second Base – Chase Utley is the best all-around player in baseball, but is unfortunately having a weird postseason; not hitting well, and those two errant throws in the NLCS were concerning. Mitch Williams mentioned he thinks Chase is still bothered by the hip that was repaired last offseason. Still, Chase Utley only cares about things: puppies, and winning baseball games. Robinson Cano, on the other hand, is a fine player, with a little less experience, but who is uninjured and a lifetime average of .306. He’s a hidden tough out in the lineup, and also hit 25 home runs this year. Uninjured Cano vs. possibly-injured, and at the very least a little erratic, Utley? Eek. It pains me: Slight edge Yankees.

Shortstop – Jimmy Rollins is young, athletic, had a tough start to the season, but has been En Fuego in the playoffs. Derek Jeter has had a hell of a year, and is the best shortstop in Yankees history, but one doesn’t get titles like that by being young; he doesn’t have the defensive range he once did.Slight edge Phillies.

Third Base – Ouch. A-Rod vs. Pedro Feliz. Sorry, Pete Happy. Big edge Yankees.

Outfield – Ibanez has the power, Vic has the speed, and Jayson Werth just seems to be one of those guys who comes up huge in the playoffs. All three of them are pretty good with the glove, too. The Yanks have: Johnny Damon, an aging but reasonably good hitter who fields like he has polio; Nick Swisher, who is decent in the field and mediocre at the plate, but who has been having a strong post-season; and Melky Cabrera, another mediocre talent who once killed a puppy with his bare hands. Ha ha! Just kidding! Checking if you’re still awake. Edge Phillies.

Bench – The Phillies have speed and power on the bench, the latter in the form of Matt Stairs, who has a waistline like many of my uncles. Ben Francisco, who came from Cleveland with Cliff Lee, is a great defensive substitution for Ibanez (who isn’t really a bad fielder either), and isn’t an easy out at the plate either. Greg “Lou” Dobbs is, sadly, a corpse, and Miguel Cairo is 35 years old. The Yankees feature Hideki Matsui, who will of course DH when they play at Yankee Stadium, and also Jerry Hairston, Jr., who has a name like a Radio Shack manager. They also have Brett Gardner, Freddy Guzman, and whichever of the Molina brothers is still alive. Not a bad bench, but manager Joe Girardi has shown an alarming propensity for misusing it (more on this in a moment). Slight edge Phillies.

Manager. Okay, deep breath, because you’re not going to like this: I, alone among Phillies fans, still think that Charlie “Dear Leader” Manuel is…not…that…good. The man has the best lineup in baseball, and some fine starting pitching, so really his management doesn’t come into play until the late innings, when he occasionally makes great decisions, and occasionally some baffling ones. The other day he put in Greg Dobbs against a right-handed pitcher, which caused the Phillie phaithphul to panic because Greg Dobbs hasn’t had a big hit in over a year, but what happened was that Joe Torre pulled the righty for a lefty, and then Manuel put in Ben Francisco. Dobbs was merely a tool to get through a likely pitching change, really the best use of him. Well done, Cholly. On the other hand, in the only loss to the Dodgers, Manuel pulled a fire-breathing Pedro Martinez in favor of a bullpen that lost the game. His continued reliance on a clearly overmatched Brad Lidge is terrifying. On the other hand, earlier this week Joe Girardi ran out of position players in an American League Championship Game. And let’s face it, even if Charlie’s nothing more than lucky, it’s better to be lucky than good. Edge Phillies.

Home Field – Yankee Stadium is brand-new, very pretty, and might as well be a Little League field for the number of homers it gives up. Also, Yankees fans are like Laker fans: wealthy, and more interested in saying “I was there for a World Series game!” than actually rooting for the team. Citizens Bank Park is fairly new, very pretty, also gives up a lot of home runs, but will contain the best fans in baseball. Edge Phillies.

With the small parks, and the massive power in the lineups, this series will be decided by the home runs, and the ability of the bullpens to hold. The Phillies 3-6 hitters all have massive power, and better yet, 3 of them are left-handed, so they should be able to take advantage of the short right field at Yankee Stadium. It shouldn’t be hard to steal one or even two games there. Unfortunately, the Phillies also have a bullpen that I simply do not trust. The key will be getting a large early lead, hoping the starting pitchers get them to the 7th with that lead intact, and then pray the bullpen holds. I see the Phils stealing one of the first two in New York (the Cliff Lee start), going 2 of 3 at home, and then heading back to New York needing only one of two games. Whichever one of those Cliff Lee pitches (game 7, I assume), they will win. Prediction: Phillies in 7.

Of course, the Angels could win three straight, in which case forget everything I said.

I love Ryan Howard. Not as much as I love, say, Chase Utley, but I love him nonetheless. A quote from Cliff Lee, the Phils starting pitcher for yesterday’s game:

That hit by Howard was the biggest and most impressive hit I’ve seen in my career. The only thing that might have made it better was if it woulda went out of the yard. He came down to the end of the bench and said, ‘Get me to the plate, boys.’

If you missed the game (because you’re an idiot), the Phils got solo home runs from Victorino and Werth and held the 2-0 lead until the bottom of the sixth, when Tulowitzki’s double scored Helton. In the bottom of the eighth, things fell apart for the good guys, when a series of base hits surrendered by Lee and then Ryan Madson led to three Rockies runs.

Of course, the 9th inning led to defibrillators being warmed up throughout the Delaware Valley. Uncle Cholly sent Greg “Lou” Dobbs up to bat for Ben Francisco, who had replaced Raul Ibanez in left field and taken the pitcher’s spot in the order (reason 3,273 why the National League is the only real major league: the double switch); Dobbs struck out. Jimmy Rollins hit a hard grounder past the mound, and while Barmes was able to snag it, he couldn’t get the ball to first in time to beat the speedy switch-hitter. Victorino then hit a weak grounder straight to Barmes, but was too fast for the double play; Rollins out at second on the fielder’s choice.

Victorino wasn’t being held on, so he quickly swiped 2nd base while Utley, with the best eye in professional baseball, worked a 2-out walk, bringing Ryan Howard, The Big Piece, to the plate. He worked the count, and finally got a ball he could clobber for a long double to the wall, scoring both Utley and Victorino (who was stupidly looking into the outfield and was almost overrun by Utley; head in the game, Shane). Finally Jayson “For What It’s” Werth singled, driving in a hard-running Howard, who had to sit down and have some oxygen afterwards.

Miguel Cairo, who I keep forgetting is on the roster, grounded out to 2nd.

Brad Lidge, whose sole purpose in life at this point is to force me to drink scotch, came in and got a quick ground-out from Eric Young Jr. Then Carlos Gonzalez got a single, and everyone’s sphincters tightened a bit. Dexter Fowler lined out to short and I peed my pants a little. Todd Helton singled, and I poured a big glass of whisky; the only thing that kept Gonzalez at second was that slipped on his way to third. Finally, Tulo couldn’t check his swing and struck out on a DELICIOUS slider from Lidge, and I was glad I’d invested in adult diapers.

The National League Championship Series opens at Dodger Stadium on Thursday at 8pm. “Get me to the plate, boys,” indeed.

The Phillies continue to figure in the decline of my health. Last night’s game started shortly after 10pm and didn’t complete until 2 the frick 14 in the morning. Surprisingly, I managed to stay up for the entire thing, fueled by coffee and scotch. As a result, of course, I want to go back to bed, and cannot, because of kajl;x;lvj

Sorry, faceplanted into the keyboard.

It was quite a game, particularly because of the cold weather. The 35F temperature at Coors Field at the start meant the game was the coldest post-season game in history. (There apprently was some freaky 28 degree game once, but it was in April, during the regular season.) Chase Utley led of the scoring with a 2-out 1st inning bomb to right center, but then Happ gave away the lead in the bottom half. Eventually the Rockies got the score up to 3-1, until the Phils big 4th inning put them up 4-3, and of course in the bottom half of that inning a Carlos Gonzalez home run tied it again. In the top of the sixth, the Phils knocked in another, and were matched in the bottom of the 7th. Finally in the top of the ninth, Ryan Howard hit a deep fly ball with runners at the corners to take the lead, and Brad Lidge, despite giving the entire Delaware Valley a collective heart attack, earned the save.

At 2 fricking 14, ante meridiem.

So this morning’s a little brutal; I’m very tired, a little hungover, and still fighting a bit of a chest cold that has me hawking up lungers the size of salt water scallops. I guess what I’m saying is that being a Phillies fan means that sometimes you feel like you have tuberculosis.

They play again at 6pm, with Cliff Lee, coming off a complete game 1 gem, facing up against Ubaldo Jimenez, who sucks.

I usually remember that Keith Olbermann is wicked smaht, but I always forget that he writes very well.

His act was always the same. He was there when the park opened, and he stayed till it closed. And any time he thought Mauch could possibly see him, he raised his sign, which read, simply “BUNNING.” If he had one friend with him, that guy carried another sign reading “AND SHORT,” but there was supposedly a three-man version (one fellow with “AND” and the other with “SHORT.”). “He has to be reminded,” I heard the guy say. “He has to be reminded, every year, what he did.”

He goes on to explain who should replace Brad Lidge as the Phillies’ closer, and let me tell you, I’m convinced:

And one Philly starter offers these numbers in the first innings of his games: .219 opposing batting average, .259 opposing on base percentage, less than one base-runner per first inning, 3.41 ERA. Another maps out at a.197 BA, .288 OBP, 1.05 WHIP, 1.35 ERA.

The first guy is Joe Blanton. The second one is J.A. Happ.

I’m not sure why Joe Blanton has such a high first-inning ERA if his WHIP is under 1; perhaps he just gives up too many home runs, 30 on the year so far, compared to Happ’s 18. Since the absolute last thing you want a closer to do is give up a home run, perhaps Happ is the better option. I wish he threw harder, though.

I could watch this over and over. And, in fact, I shall probably do just that.

Ever wonder what it’s like to be a Cleveland Indians fan? Nurse The Hate can tell you. (Note: naughty words.)

Once again the white flag of surrender proudly flies over Progressive Field, and the team has sent all the core players packing, unable to pay them what the market will pay in upcoming seasons. It’s hard to believe really. Six months ago the organization was talking playoffs. Now two of the top three in the pitching rotation are gone. Plus, the set up guy, and four of the starting position players have been dumped for minor league players 2 years or more away from possibly playing at the Big League level…

The question I have as a ticket buyer is why do I have to keep shelling out for this bulls***? The answer is, of course, I don’t. And neither does anyone else, as the Indians attendance has slipped to 27th out of 28 teams. I am stuck with 5 more games in my season ticket package at $50 a game to watch minor league players audition for next year’s team. Not to worry though, as a customer I am very excited to hear from the head of the Indians organization that once every ten years they might be able to compete. Where do I sign up for my 2010 tickets! Whoo!

There are, of course, 30 major league baseball teams, but other than that it’s spot on.

Got to go see the Phils yesterday, for the first time all season. Better yet, the ticket was free, thanks to my buddy Noah and his ill-timed Cancun vacation. I would have pressed harder to pay him for the ticket, but at game-time it was raining and I’m pretty sure he was laying on a beach drinking something alcoholic and fruity through a straw placed within 3 inches of his face.

I had to drive up to his apartment building in Philadelphia to pick up the ticket, but still arrived at CB Park at around 12:30. I found my seat and admired the view you see above. A “Phillies Alumni Batting Challenge” was taking place, featuring retired stars from the 1980 and 1993 teams, specifically Mitch Williams, Dicky Noles, Ricky Jordan, Ricky Bottalico, Milt Thompson, and Jim Eisenreich, who got the biggest ovation. I enjoyed watching that, particular Mitch Williams, who demonstrated why he was a pitcher; he swings like Babe Ruth’s wife.

I wandered off to get beer and hot dogs, and came back to enjoy further festivities, such as introducing a bunch of elementary kids who took positions on the field for no apparent reason, and the presenting of the color guard. About 30 seconds before the National Anthem, Noah’s buddy Josh, the owner of the other seat in their pair of season tickets, arrived. We chatted about how we each knew Noah, and it turned out we both grew up in Wilmington. Small talk.

To my right was a young couple, the female of which was quite hot, and the male of which was drunk, and even had he been sober he would have been an utter douchebucket. At least he wasn’t loud or aggressive, but he sure cursed a lot. I’m a guy that likes my cursing, and I do quite a share of it myself, but I try to avoid it around people I don’t know and/or children.

The game started nicely, with Jamie Moyer getting 3 relatively quick outs in the first and the Phils scoring a run in a strange situation; Jimmy Rollins got a leadoff single, then Shane Victorino walked, Utley hit a deep fly that moved Jimmy over to third, and then Ryan Howard did the same thing to bring Jimmy home, but Shane had strayed too far from first base and got doubled up in a close play. Charlie Manuel (the manager, if you’re under a rock) came out to argue that Cantu had bobbled the catch at first, to no avail.

Unfortunately, things went downhill; the Phils found themselves down 3-1, and then 6-1, on a series of squib singles just over the infielders heads. Apparently the home plate umpire was inconsistent with balls and strikes, and eventually Shane Victorino got tired of it; Chan Ho Park, on the mound in relief, threw an 0-2 pitch right on the corner for a ball, and Shane, in center field at the time, apparently threw his arms in the air in disgust. The ump had heard enough, and tossed him.

The infielders surrounded the ump to argue, which was good because Shane came flying in from center field like a terror, apparently intending to tackle the ump, but ran into catcher Paul Bako first, who dragged him to the dugout. The game continued, but the fans were incensed. Between every pitch, every inning, any time there was silence, they booed the ump. It was merciless. Later, when things were still looking poor for the home team, the infield and catcher assembled on the mound for a conference, and after a time the ump walked out to break it up and get the game moving; the fans tore into him. I hope he made it to his car after the game.

I can honestly say I have never seen a player get thrown out from center field. Sadly, I can report I’ve seen the Phils get routed before; they lost 12-3.