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Since I reach a significant Age next week, I had to go to the DMV and renew my license. My car is also going to require renewal in two months, so I figured, hell, they’ll let me do it now, why not kill two birds with one stone! Particularly when those birds are massive, slavering creatures with Adamantium talons who hate me and everything that we as a nation hold dear.
So I snuck out of work for an early lunch hour, thinking I’d beat the crowds. this handy website shows the wait times for various functions, and it was saying I’d wait no more than 5 minutes for my license, and maybe 10 for my registration. Awesome!
I arrived shortly after 11, and got into a short line at the inspection lanes. As I later twittered, I, as always, picked the wrong lane, and watched as 3 or 4 cars who arrived after me got in first. But the joke was on them! I had, completely on accident, picked the one lane that could do all the regular checks (turn signals, lights, horn, etc.) plus the ODBII check (where they plug into your car’s computer to see if you’ve downloaded porn to it)! All the other lanes could do the car checks, but then you had to get into another lane for the computer read-out. This seems like a foolish way to do it, but I grinned happily as I parked and went inside, where I discovered that the South Wilmington DMV, unlike the New Castle one that is technically closer to my house but horribly inconvenient for a lunch hour visit, doesn’t actually have “line;” it has a take a number system, so you can sit and read horrific books while you wait! (I went with Dude, Where’s My Country? by Michael Moore, a book so painful that I got it at the dollar store. For a dollar.)
They were on number 202 when I sat down; I had number 222. So I read, and occasionally glanced up when the shift supervisor, the Mother Superior of the DMV, would get called over to yell at some poor soul who believed they could renew their car’s registration without having the current one, or without an insurance card, or without retrieving their car from the impound lot whence it was towed for unpaid parking tickets. (An aside: some of these people were at least fifty years old. Folks, how do you not know how this works? How do you reach the age of fifty, probably renewing at least one vehicle every two years, and not know what documents you require for this process?)
Finally I was called up to a very polite gentleman who took my documents and money and gave me a new registration and sticker in three minutes flat. I fail to understand why this is such a difficult process for some people.
By that point it was roughly 12:30, and I had to go get another number to wait for my license renewal. I was number #177; they were at #140. I shed a few silent, hot tears and sat down next to some sort of kiosk. After 20 minutes or so, they had gotten only to #150, and a young woman came out and started fiddling with the computer at the little kiosk. In a flash of brilliant insight, I deduced the following:
- Eventually, this lady was going to open this kiosk for business;
- It was likely that they intended it to be an express lane, meaning it would most likely be available for people with simple class-D license renewals (no truck licenses, no new licensees, no state IDs, etc.);
- It was also likely that the line would be first come, first served;
- The instant they made any sign of opening up, I needed to spring to my feet and sprint to the head of the line, hardly a challenge since the kiosk was approximately three feet to my left.
Sure enough, at about 1:10pm, a supervisor came out and started to announce that they were opening the kiosk for simple license renewals, and before he had said two words I was standing next to the nice young woman running the show. I think I even semi-accidentally butted in front of another fellow, but he sensed that were he to confront me, I might roll up a Driver’s Education Manual and beat him to death with it, so he held his tongue.
Because I know how to handle a drive-thru bureaucracy (just like a fast-food drive-thru; no special orders, basic meals only), I was through the line in three minutes, had my picture taken, and handed a literally piping hot new ID by 1:15. A little creative driving had me back at the office at 1:35! I think the word I’m searching for is “WOO!”
In short, the DMV is slow, news at Eleven.
Can somebody explain to me this new thing where all the ladies are getting their noses pierced? It started at as something you’d see amongst the hard core body decorators, or among certain ethnic groups as a cultural or religious thing, but now I’m seeing just every day skanks showing up with rhinestones jabbed into their schnozzes. I don’t get it. Is it just me? Bueller?
I guess that’s really all I have to ask. I was going to talk about the Gaza Strip, but I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t already been said, and also I’m so distracted by American Idol that I haven’t the words.
Hi! I’m Matt Hearn, and I’m here to tell you that you, too, can learn the secrets of gaining weight. Just listen to these testimonials!
- “Using Matt Hearn’s plan, I gained 8 pounds in just under a month! Then I met a dude that digs fat chicks! ALL RIGHT!” – Tara Lipzinsky
- “I had always been afraid of bacon, but Matt Hearn and his Plan of Deliciousness showed me the light!” – Tom Skates
- “My pancreas stopped producing insulin!” – Sally Struvas
In just 5 easy steps, I’ll show you how you can maximize your chub, while minimizing your ability to walk up slight inclines without chest pains!
- Are you eating right now? No? That’s a HUGE mistake. My plan will show you how to find the nearest snack machine and select the greatest calorie item for the lowest price! (Hint: avoid crackers, and go straight for the Three Musketeers!)
- Do you drink a lot of water, or coffee? I’ll show you how non-diet soda can really put the pounds on. (Hint: you might think that sugar packets are only for cofee or tea, but there’s no reason you can’t sprinkle them onto your Dr. Pepper!)
- Do you drink alcohol? No? Well, we’ll have to work on that too. Your best bet is drinking lots of beer, but that can be hard to do at the office without your coworkers staging an “intervention.” I’ll show you how to fill empty water bottles with cheap vodka (don’t forget to order our special funnel attachment!!!), and chew staggering amounts of Big Red to hide the booze breath!
- After meals, do you often find that you’re “full” and “can’t eat another bite?” I’ll show you special stomach stretching exercises that will REALLY expand your capacity! And you know what that means: MORE. CHIPS. FOR. YOU!!!
- Are you vegan and/or vegetarian? Well CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Matt Hearn, it can’t be possible or healthy to gain that much weight that quickly.” To which I respond, “Sure it is definitely possible or healthy to gain that much weight that quickly!”
I know this because I’m not just the Matt Hearn Fat Club President: I’m also a member. Through a strict diet of Single-malt Scotch, Christmas cookies, luscious meat products, and a complete lack of exercise, I went from a svelte 235 pounds before Thanksgiving, to a positively BULBOUS 250 after the New Year holiday! Obviously, your results may vary, but I promise you that if you don’t gain at least 5% of your current body weight in one month on my plan, I will personally drive to your house and bake pastry for you until you sweat heavy cream from your pores.
Don’t delay! Order now!
I’m a little apprehensive about sharing this, because, to be frank, I basically poured my heart and soul into it for the better part of two weeks, and I’m still not sure if it’s good. When I listen to it, I’m greatly disappointed, but I usually am when I listen to my own stuff. I’ll stop fishing for compliments. Check check it:
Matt Hearn – Doubting Thomas.mp3
Original song by Nickel Creek; arrangement by Teh Hearn; all voices are Teh Hearn; produced by Teh Hearn.
As you can see, I’m pretty involved in the process.
This is something that had to be shared with everyone on the internet, as fast as humanly possible, with no time for proper scanning and editing, because it is brilliant to the point of personal pain. I give you the new webcomic, written by me and ingeniously illustrated by my sister Liz: Bach v. Handel. That is the full image in its original format; to make it fit within the confines of my webpage, I reproduce it here panel by panel, with explanation:
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Here, Handel plays for Bach the “Amen” from his masterpiece, “Messiah.” |
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Bach is unimpressed, and takes over the keyboard to play “Dona Nobis Pacem,” the final movement from his mass in B-minor. |
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Handel cries a little, unable to admit that Bach is the superior counterpoint composer. |
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Here, we see that Bach and Handel have shared a marijuana cigarette and are now making out. |
Can someone explain to me why you’re not allowed to smoke anywhere but a specially constructed, hermetically sealed, underground iron box, but it’s perfectly legal for people to drench themselves in cheap perfume and go out in public?
I went to church yesterday; I didn’t have to sing, so for the first time in a while, I sat in the congregation. And it was like a hyacinth was having sex with my sinuses. I thought someone must put a funeral wreath in a blender and then poured it on their clothing. My own clothing I considered burning when I get home, but instead muttered dark incantations as I ran it through the washing machine eighteen times.
Do people really not notice that they smell like a florist’s refrigerator? How dead must your olfactory nerves be that you think 7 squirts of Eau de Rabais is necessary? More to the point, why hasn’t the government intervened? I’m not normally a fan of intrusive regulation, but it seems to me that it should be illegal for someone to put on so much stinkum that it feels like someone has jabbed a hot poker into each of my nostrils, right?
The worst offenders will actually argue with you about what they’re wearing. I knew a wonderful woman who continually came choir rehearsal smelling like a cathouse, and people complained, until the director took her aside and said “You must stop wearing perfume.” She replied, “I’m not!” The next day, she once again smelled like she’d bathed in rose petals, and another choir member said, “I thought you were told not to wear perfume anymore!” Again, like Peter, she denied it, and was asked “So why do you smell like a burning rose bush?”
“Oh, that’s just my body spray,” she replied, and so we had to beat her to death with our hymnals, Your Honor.
Just a quick note: if you like photography at all, check out 2008 in Photographs at boston.com. Some of them are mildly graphic, but they make you click before they’ll load the really nasty ones (a dude with a seriously gushing head wound, and a dead child). Some of them are simply awe-inspiring, but all of them are “make-you-thinkers.”
Get on it.
Oh, and don’t forget parts two and three, the links are on the site.
There’s a thing that’s been floating around Facebook like some kind of social disease wherein everyone goes down a list of movies and checks off the ones they’ve seen. I tend to ignore most Facebook crap (I’m currently 0 for 4,374 on “signing up for stupid applications that people have invited me to”), but this one was so wildly popular that I felt I needed to get in the top floor!
(Note: I am aware that the idiom is “ground floor.” The humor relies on the fact that I’m getting in on this just as it becomes spectacularly unpopular; my participation therein is probably causal. Just wanted you, the reader, to understand my “humor.”)
Supposedly, if you have seen more than 85 of these movies, you are some kind of “movie dork.” Let’s see where I place. My comments are hellatalicized.
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show – Unfortunately. The best thing about this movie was Susan Sarandon, and I’m going on record to say I’d rather hump a sap hole in a maple tree.
(X) Grease – I hate this movie so much that my testes just completely retracted into my torso.
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
( ) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
(X) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story – Why isn’t this ever on TBS? This movie was so awesome back in the 80s. I’m sure it holds up fine! Right? Right? (Note: I may be the only person in my generation to own and have read the original book, which is SPECTACULAR.)
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Airplane
Total: 8
(X) The Princess Bride – Just watched this a few weeks ago. Fantastic. Still holds up.
(X) Anchorman – Also rad.
(X) Napoleon Dynamite – Man, this is like a turkey! (When you bowl three strikes in a row. Because the last three movies are so awesome. Get it? No? You know what? You suck.)
(X) Labyrinth – Hambone!
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
( ) 50 First Dates
( ) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement – They lost me on the last eight in a row. I wouldn’t watch “White Oleander” if you tied my dingaling to a doorknob.
Total so far: 12
(X) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 17 – The theme here seems to be: did you like the original? It was okay. Did you see the sequel? What am I, stupid? If you’ve seen “Scream” then you’ve seen Scream 2 and 3. Because the plot is identical. And since nobody gets naked, sadly, I’m out.
( ) Harry Potter 1
( ) Harry Potter 2
( ) Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
( ) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 18 – With a certain amount of pride, I can report that I have seen no Harry Potter movies, and read no Harry Potter books. I have seen my share of Harry Potter slashfic, but that’s not a topic for a Family Blog.
( ) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) Signs
( ) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
( ) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
( ) Robots
Total so far: 19 – I saw part of Butterfly Effect; probably like 2/3. I’m saying that counts, since I saw the end and then googled the parts I missed.
(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
(X) KingPin – Wildly underrated. Randy Quaid takes a dump in a urinal! Priceless.
( ) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
( ) KING KONG
Total so far: 24 – So far I seem to be at about 50% of the average. This is because I don’t really watch movies. Not least because I hate movie theaters, but also because the number of times in a given year that I have 2 hours to waste can be counted on one hand.
( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
(X) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
( ) Flubber
Total so far: 26 – Some of these I’ve not even HEARD of. And the only Flubber I saw was “Son of Flubber,” the sequel to “The Absent-Minded Professor,” both starring Fred MacMurray. I don’t believe it counts.
(X) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle – BRILLIANT.
( ) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
(X) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 29 – I’ve seen the last 15 minutes of Hellboy roughly 7 times. I guess that doesn’t count, because I spend the entire time asking HW, “What the hell is going on?” and she responds “Stop fricking poking me, I’m trying to sleep.”
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child’s Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(X) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 32 – I may have seen Child’s Play and Sixteen Candles and Nightmare on Elm Street all the way through; I just don’t remember. I’m gonna mark Child’s Play and give myself partial credit.
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Slevin
(X) Ocean’s Eleven
(X) Ocean’s Twelve
( ) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(X) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 35 – The Ocean’s Etc. films always slay me. I think I watched Ice Age all the way through; if not, I definitely saw at least 30 minutes of one of the Bourne movies. Plus I read all the books. It evens out, people, c’mon.
(X) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(X) ET – The first movie I ever saw in the theater! Do I get double credit? No? Screw you, then.
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss’s Daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 39 – It’s worth noting that I have FAR less than half of the average Joe to this point.
( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She’s All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
( ) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
(X) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 44 – Let’s just say I don’t own any of these on DVD.
( ) X-Men
( ) X-2
( ) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
( ) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
( ) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(X) Cruel Intentions – I watched this entire movie hoping either Sarah Michelle Gellar or Reese Witherspoon would get naked, and neither of them did. We did get treated to a boob shot of the hideous girl, though. Thanks. <SARCASM>Made it all worthwhile.</SARCASM>
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
( ) Shrek 2
Total so far: 48
( ) Swimfan – I watched up until the hot chick gets busy with the guy in the pool, and then went to sleep. Does that count?
( ) Miracle on 34th street
(X) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf’s Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember – I watched a little of this with my wife, but then I started menstruating.
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 50
( ) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
( ) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
( ) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King – Watched the Battle of Helm’s Deep. Couldn’t care less about anything not involving immediate elven bloodshed.
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 53 – Nothing but love for Indy. Haven’t seen the fourth, though. Worried that it’s lame. Is it lame? Wait, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.
(X) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
(X) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far: 55 – It’s well-documented that “Waiting For Guffman” may be the best movie in the 20th century to not earn a single Oscar nomination.
( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
( ) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far: 58 – Much love for Grail and Shaun. Much hate for Titanic, although at least Leo dies and you get to see Kate’s hooters. I change my mind: a small, but measurable, amount of love for Titanic.
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
( ) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo – Ain’t seen it, but am profoundly curious about it!
( ) Phantasm
( ) Waterworld
Total so far: 59
( ) Kill Bill vol 1 – Would love to see this; saw the first 20 minutes or so the other night on TBS or something, but fell asleep. It was late. Anyway, can’t watch it during any hours Charles is awake because I don’t need him learning how to throw knives at people.
( ) Kill Bill vol 2
(X) Mortal Kombat – I just like that the guy that played Johnny Whatever went on to play a guy on Days of Our Lives for a while. Mighta been killed off, though.
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman – This sounds like a quality film in every way.
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 60
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 66 – Wow, I’ve seen most of the Star Wars movies. Scary thought.
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
(X) Team America: World Police – I’m not proud of having seen this.
( ) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal
Total: 72
The average is north of a hundo. Wow, I haven’t seen very many movies. I do not consider this much of a failing. Tomorrow: I don’t like Jonas Brothers. Also: get the hell off my lawn!
- If you’re curious about what kind of economic downturn we could be facing, check this out. It’s pretty grim. I’m pretty optimistic, personally, but that will probably change if I, say, get fired and take up alcoholism.
- A couple Youtube clips worth checking out:
- Widor Toccata. Probably my favorite piece for organ, but holy crap look at the console for that instrument. 154 ranks! 5 divisions! (By comparison, the organ I usually practice on has 19 ranks, I believe.) Jeepers. Plus, best of all, watch when the pedal part starts at about 50 seconds in. That’s right, world-famous organist Frederick Hohman is wearing pants with elastic cuffs. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, he’s just German, they wear weird things,” but nay nay; he was born in Missouri, people.
I need to find out if my dad knows him; they would have been at Eastman, studying with the same teacher, at the same time.
Additionally: wow.
- I have listened to this Nickel Creek song no less than 40 times in the last 24 hours. I do not exaggerate. The video itself is kinda nice, but unimportant, and in fact doesn’t really pertain to the song (which appears to be about tenuous Christian faith); just open the link, put it in the background in case your boss comes up behind you, and give a listen.
I know this probably qualifies as “Contemporary Christian” music, which under normal circumstances I despise (I prefer my religious music written for men, boys, and organ, and also I am deeply suspicious of a genre of religious music featuring commercials with culty audiences waving their arms and singing along with their eyes closed), but in this case I make an exception. Not least because the lyrics sort of hit home.
- I am spending altogether too much time playing with toys.
- Whopper-scented body spray for Men. This seems like it’s marketed to the wrong gender. I mean, as much as a guy would enjoy smelling like a burger, wouldn’t he enjoy his wife smelling like one WAAAAY more? I’m not a big fan of perfumes and whatnot, as my wife can attest, but always prefer food-smelling ones (fruit, etc.) to flower-smelling ones, because the latter make my nose clog instantly. But I’ve said for years, if they made a perfume called “Eau de Boeuf” that smelled of Prime Rib, I’d
- make sure Sarah had a lifetime supply, and
- immediately buy stock in the company.
Maybe I’m just weird.
Most of my readers (meaning both of them) are probably thoroughly aware of Newsweek’s article, by Lisa Miller, on the religious arguments for and against gay marriage, but on the off chance you missed it, click here. It does a particularly good job of summing up and discarding the conservative religious arguments against same-sex matrimony, so it’s useful information if you find yourself in an argument with a homophobic religious nut. A few salient quotes:
Most of us no longer heed Leviticus on haircuts or blood sacrifices; our modern understanding of the world has surpassed its prescriptions. Why would we regard its condemnation of homosexuality with more seriousness than we regard its advice, which is far lengthier, on the best price to pay for a slave?
and
Religious objections to gay marriage are rooted not in the Bible at all, then, but in custom and tradition (and, to talk turkey for a minute, a personal discomfort with gay sex that transcends theological argument).
As Insty would say, read the whole thing.
UPDATE: More here.
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