My Favorites of the Search Strings That Lead to matthearn.com
Favorites for July 2004:
- dave chappelle wife: Okay, people, you're starting to weird me out with this. We got 63 hits on this search string. That's 4.5 times any other search. I know nothing about Dave Chappelle's (asian) wife.
- naafa: 14 hits on this one. No idea. North American Anti-Female Association? (I bet my buddy Matt would join.)
- drano bomb: I think I made this by accident when the Liquid Plumber reacted with months worth of my washed-down-the-drain hair pomade.
- dread: Pirate Roberts?
- matt hearn: It warms my heart you can actually search for me on google and I'm at the top of the list. Of course, the three hits that we got here were probably me searching for myself.
- prison shank pics: You know, if you have difficulty figuring out how to make one, perhaps "Prison Assassin" is not the career choice for you. Just get a toothbrush and commence to sharpening it to a fine point on your cell floor. Easy.
- a new girlfriend: Strangely enough, only one person searched for this and came here. I hope I helped him. (Or her.)
- defugalties: This always looks like it's spell'd wrong, to me.
- flip mo: But then who'd tend the bar?
- girlfriend sleeveless muscle: I don't know what this means. Muscles have sleeves? Girlfriends have muscles? Guys who wear sleeveless muscle shirts DEFINITELY don't have girlfriends. (I have two, of course. Shirts, not girlfriends.)
- grood heroin: I mean good. And great. Great and good.
- guys velour suit pictures: I'm pretty sure Mom has some pictures of my father in something like that from the 70s. I'll ask her about it.
- her gut girlfriend: Uh...what?
- heterosexual: Of COURSE this search leads to matthearn.com. How could it NOT?
- how tall is kyan douglas: Who cares? He could turn me gay. And according to google's search string stats, I am the leading internet heterosexual.
- how to jumpstart a lawn mower with a car: I have a sneaking suspicion this didn't end well, probably immediately after somebody in Arkansas said to his buddy, "Here, hold my beer and watch this!"
- men in tight baseball pants: Not sure why this leads here. In fact, it must be pretty far down google's list, 'cause I search for it every day and my site's not in the first 20 or 30 pages. I mean, um . . . forget I said that.
- pitchers of lungs: BEST. BASEBALL. GAME. EVER. (Also, an excellent name for a rock band.)
- ronan tynan amazing grace download: Anybody that actually wanted to download this, I really hope they came here and read my review of how Ronan Tynan SUH-UCKS. (Seriously. He's not good.)
- the glory of love free sheet music: I AM THE MAN WHO WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR HONOR! I AM THE HERO YOU'VE BEEN DREAMING OF!
- the joy of popping zits: Sounds like something Phil Jackson would hand out to his players.
- ud vs wofford and post game celebration: I was there. I touched Andy Hall. It was better than sex.
- why doesn't mexico have the olympics joke: Does anybody know this joke? I am EXTREMELY interested in hearing it. Oh wait, I remember it now:
"Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because anybody who can swim, run, or jump crossed the border already."
And I'm going to hell. Good times.
Favorites for March 2004:
- drano bomb: This one was searched for multiple times. Scary.
- memory forgetting one week range: I've forgotten the entire 5 years I went to college, myself.
- acne zit pop joy fun picture: I guess the joy of viewing fun pictures of popping zits due to acne is something WAAAAY over my head.
- barry bond's head: Is quite large, yes.
- brandywine high school gay: What, the whole school? Interesting. I always wondered if it and Concord were "more than friends," if you get my drift.
- cankles pictures: Ain't nothing sexier than a good pair of cankles, except perhaps for back fat.
- courtney love breast bearing at wendy's: This must have been in the news, but I hate Courtney Love with every fiber of my being, so perhaps I've blocked it out.
- definition jewbie: I think it's rather self-evident, don't you think?
- if i stole a shotgun know what i'd do i'd point that shit strai: I think this is a song, possibly by Satan.
- jim boeheim jew: Sure, why not?
- josh gracin still overweight: Who?
- meth cook in prison poem: Must have been looking for a T.S. Eliot anthology or something.
- mormon jury duty: A lot of religions are like that, really.
- naked people dancing around with their clothes on and a badger: I think this happened in college, but see above where I've forgotten a lot of that.
- people with there pants down low shoeing boxer shorts: Ignoring the spelling and grammatical failures, I'd have to say this person is an idiot.
- prison shank: Make one yourself out of a toothbrush!
- scary black guys picture: Redundant, I think, but do you, man, do you.
- squirrel > restaurant > hacking: I'm absolutely terrified that someone that typed this may have visited my website.
- to develop tits: Is to make me happy.
- why does the taxman give inmates money: They're probably referring to a blues song I wrote once while sitting in Folsom Prison. Johnny Cash helped with the chorus.
Favorites for February 2004:
dave chappelle asian wife AND dave chappelle wife asian
cleveland pitcher porn
allergic rash smores pizza
are pinky toes useless AND donating a pinky toe
drano bomb blue prints
how to rescue suckit
jokes about white people
man in velour track suit pictures
my hot sister
nice rack shirt
oil change sex word
picture of human crap
reasonably muscular men
stiletto heel power suits pictures
tailgating pee -dee
thalidomide babies pictures
the human schlong
what is my fucking problem
Favorites for January 2004:
puerto rican shower
are puerto rican girls trustworthy
coating holiday detector
funeral for me whilst i'm still alive
gay slim fast commercial
how many times am i suppose to urinate a day
how to get out the smell of human urine in a car seat
human inbreeding pictures
pics of hatchets
pitchers of lungs