The Daily Nuisance

• I drank a shitload of Red Bull(TM) and Absolut(AlsoTM) and actually managed to stay up until like 3am. Normally I'm passed out by 11:30. Red Bull is the greatest shit ever, it really is.
• Ped's (short for Pedram...crazy Iranian motherfucker) (Yes, Ped, I know you're "Persian," I just like fucking with you) (Maybe I should start this list item over
• Ped's girlfriend Ally spilled and broke more shit in one evening of partying than even MY clumsy ass has at parties since I started college. She spilled liquor on just about everybody, and broke one of our priceless Rolling Rock pint glasses. Crazy crack whore.
• Jared and I tried to get a bunch of girls to play strip poker, but nobody was drunk enough yet except for me and Jared. I think Jared grabbed a few hooters, though.
• Sarah's friend Jess's boyfriend Josh apparently got drunk enough to be dancing around the beer pong table, trying to confuse his opponents. He and Jess later fucked in our guest bedroom, according to rumors. Hearndom parties are the fuckin' best thing since Studio 54, I swear.
• I fired up the grill for the first time all summer. Yeah, pretty late, but we didn't have gas and I didn't want to be troubled to get fetch any.
• I don't know how we did it; apparently we had more people than I had suspected, but we kicked an entire fucking keg of Rolling Rock in one evening. Totally bizarre.
• Nobody puked, that I know of. Enough shit got spilled, though, that I had to mop the front porch and disinfect the whole fucking house.
• Nobody died, also a good thing.
• Hearnwife didn't get horribly pissed off at me for no discernible reason, which is something that tends to happen at parties, usually because either I smoke the sweet sweet cheeba (which she hates 'cause she's not human) or I get so drunk I pass out and leave the bulk of the party control and cleanup to her. But sometimes she just gets pissed at me at parties and I can't tell why. Crackhead.

Anyway, bitchin' party. Too bad you didn't come, but we didn't invite you because you're a drunken asshole who can't dance. Fucker.