The above lines were shamelessly stolen from Marshall Mathers, the greatest white rapper ever to sing an angry song about his mother's mistreatment of him in his youth (after, of course, the Beastie Boys' "Fight For Your Right To Party").
Which brings me to two topics to discuss today:
1) Where the shit I've been for 3 months that I can't write an article, and
2) Amusing rap music.
About the first topic; I've been busy. Not so busy that I couldn't write a column if I wanted to, but busy enough that I can't work, write a column, AND maintain my fast-paced homosexual lifestyle.
I mean...um...shit.
About topic #2: Like many folks, my musical tastes tend to run in cycles. Often fairly long ones. I'll spend a month or two listening to nothing but bluegrass and old country, and then a month listening to nothing but classical. At the moment, everything that's on the radio is shit I've heard 938439539483 times, so I say funk dat. I started listening to Q102 (long my least favorite station because of all the stupid R&B crap and rap they play), and enjoying hip hop again. I got a fresh copy of "People's Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm" by A Tribe Called Quest (to replace the one I got in college that's mad scratched up), listened to that for a while.
I had the wife pick up a copy of "Nellyville," the latest effort by the Band-aid Bandolero, Nelly, pretty much just for the song "Hot in Herre [sic]." HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEElarious. The song, like many rap songs, is about Nelly wanting to see some chick naked, and, ideally, plow the shit out of her. "Scope" these "dope" lyrics:
Stop pacin', time wastin'
I got a friend wit' a pole in tha basement'
Girl: WHAT?
I'm just kiddin' like Jason
Girl: Oh.
Unless you gon' do it!
That never fails to FUCKIN' SLAY ME. I've scanned back on the CD about 300 times just to hear that. The song also features serious social commentary:
Why you at the bar if you ain't poppin' the bottles
What good is all the fame if you ain't fuckin' the models
And you know, the man has a point. If you're the kind of person that goes to
a bar and doesn't drink, then you're
1) Probably the kind of person that doesn't spend much time having random cheap
sex, and
2) Gonna get kicked in the nuts by me if I see you, on general principles.
Anyway, I promise to at least TRY to get new columns posted with more regularity. I do have some shit I want to write about, and I've been mentally working on a children's story I GUARANTEE I'll need to share with y'all if I get a chance to type it up and add some phatty illustrations.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's gettin' so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.