So everybody's complaining because apparently "The Media (tm)" has been saying Tiger's in a slump. "He's won 3 of the 7 (or 8, whatever) events he's entered! So what if he hasn't won any majors recently? Who else can enter only 7 or 8 events and still be top 5 on the money list? What's Phil's winning percentage this year? Furyk's swing looks like his dad taught him to play by having him backswing and then bashing his wrists with a lob wedge! And Sergio's mom is a WHORE! A DAMNED WHORE!"

Okay, so maybe Tiger's apologists haven't said ALL of that, but nevertheless asking them about Tiger's slump gets the same response you get when you ask Mike Piazza if he's been batting from the other side of the plate, if you catch my prodigious drift.

Funny thing, though; a few years ago it was made absolutely clear that you can't judge Tiger's play by how it compares to his peers. Nobody in recent memory has even won TWO majors in a row, let alone FOUR. Tiger won last year's US Open by something like 1387 strokes. Since then, he's 0-4 in major championships, has dropped out of first place on the money list, and has had to have surgery on his gamey left knee. By the standards of Tiger, this is a slump. Not necessarily a serious slump, but nevertheless he is not playing the way he did just one or two years ago.

Why is this? Sure, his knee probably holds him back a bit, but not much. I think the problem is basically rooted in boredom. Tiger doesn't have to play for money; he's got enough to last 18 lifetimes. He wants to set records, to win majors. All the other little tournaments really don't mean much to him. But if he doesn't play all those other silly little tournaments, by the time a major rolls around, he's not in the best shape. Jim Furyk has played in 14 PGA events this year, almost twice as many as Tiger. Ugly swing or not, playing against the same guys week after week makes it possible to learn how they play, so he knows exactly how much risk he needs to have the best chance to stay ahead of them.

I think Tiger intends to play fairly constantly until the British Open, so you won't catch me betting against him then. The kid's got 20 years of good golf left in him; that's 80 major championships that he's the front runner to win. Good times for him.

My weight loss program isn't going well, and it's all my wife's fault. I mean, seriously. LAST week, she kept dragging me out to bars, almost every night! I got blitzed on whiskey-and-sodas every night from Tuesday to Friday. I gained something like 4 pounds over the course of the week, basically just water-weight. (Also: my liver leapt from my torso and ran screaming down the street. Luckily I was prepared for this eventuality and had tethered it to my spleen, so all was well, except for the massive blood loss.)

This week has been MUCH more tame, except for Tuesday night when Sarah dragged me to a bar to see Chorduroy, her fave band. Here's a quick list of my nutritional intake for Tuesday:

That alcoholic intake isn't really that much, for me. But coupled with the fact that I hadn't had much to eat all day, and I was completely retarded. At some point in the middle of the night, Sarah says, I woke up to use the bathroom and nearly did so against the bedroom wall. Not good times. Bad times. Luckily, Sarah yelled at me (as she is wont to do) and managed to get me to actually find a functional toilet. I may never live that down. Which, of course, is why I'm putting it on the web so everybody can hear about it forever. Clearly I'm not very bright.
Oh, by the way, sorry I disappeared for a few weeks. Again, it was my wife's fault. Luckily, aside from making me fat and distracting me from the journalistic responsibilities, she's pretty cool, else I'd kick her out my hizouse, yo.

Straight up.

Any criticism about my column can be directed to suckit@matthearn.com. Pictures of naked chicks can be sent to column@matthearn.com.