I was right again on my idol prediction last week. Why? 'Cause I'm the shiznit. Trenyce is out like a ghetto bellybutton. Tonight: Josh bounces like a quarter on his bedsheets.
Last week I made a request for people to mail in their ideas about what sort of things they'd like to see me do when I get elected to Congress. I got no replies. From this I deduce that either no one reads my columns, which is more than possible and reasonably likely, or the people that read my columns are missing key fingers that would have enabled them to send me emails. I'm sure that's the case, and that as a result all of you are sitting in your wheelchairs crying uncontrollably about not being able to send any stuff my way, your caretakers periodically wiping drool and tears from your chin and abusing you with scissors.

Whatever. Y'all suck.

Sometimes people wonder what it is I do for a living (as clearly I'm not going to make it as a professional humorist). I decided that the best way to communicate how I spend my workday was to set it down in rap. So 'scuse me whilst I whip dis izout:

Begin block-rocking beat, possibly sampled from old Menudo single; don't bother with record-scratching, but instead, periodically insert .wav file of Cher's foot hitting Ted Kennedy's danglies.

I said yo, yo, word, I'm a UNIX man
That don't mean I'm a gelding, only means that I can
Set up logical volumes so the users have space
But I can't fix yo application, so ease up out my face

I will reset your password, but that ain't all I do
I'll fix up your dot profile so you can log in, too!
If security's yo thing, we'll get that box locked down.
Ain't no hacker mofo gonna bust in now!

If your system goes down, yo, don't even sweat
We got MC Service-Guard on this beotch, you all set.
When the primary box be broken, the backup goes live!
So tell me now, you know you be all down wit' my jive.

I can script, I can code, I can do it all
C++, Perl, Java, all respond to my call
Need some HTML? How 'bout PHP?
I'm the master of them both, so come to me!

Windows people try to front, we burn they stuff up
VMS folks bow before us when we say whassup
You think OS/2 was cool? Man, get the hell out.
HEWLETT PACKARD UNIX be the boss of this hizouse!

Word.

Anyway, that's my UNIX rap. Pretty dope, huh? I'm all about it. I'll never understand why my hip-hop career never took off.

Last week was the Delaware Repertory Dance Company show at UD; I took many quality pictures that I need to get around to converting to a manageable size and uploading. Hopefully I'll have 'em up by the end of the week, I'll let y'all know. Note to guys: PICTURES OF HOT DANCER CHICKS. Pay attention for updates.
.profile: An important file in a user's home directory that contains important environment variable information, set during login. Don't you feel smart now.
Any criticism about my column can be directed to suckit@matthearn.com. Pictures of naked chicks can be sent to column@matthearn.com.