The lead character would have to be That Leviathan (Footnote 1). He would be the 7 foot tall, 340 pound behemoth featuring, as primary weapon, his cock (easily his heaviest organ, weighing in at 75 pounds, and 32 inches long). I could also have ManWhore, with his sidekick Nondiscriminating Friend (whose particular weapon is "Taking One For the Team," which ranges from having to fuck unattractive women so ManWhore can bed their hot friends to getting stabbed in the face while the rest of the team escapes to safety).
Here's a pilot episode:
(As we open, the members of the Greek Legion (our team of Superheroes) (Footnote 2) are sitting in their hidden underground home, deep beneath the city of Papadapolis (Hardy har! Me so funny! And old!). That Leviathan, the Legion Leader, turns to ManWhore.)
That Leviathan (TL): Well, ManWhore, it looks like another good day in the world!
ManWhore (MW): Yeah, man. And this month's Maxim just got in; hopefully I can just spend the whole day "Summoning the Genie," if you know what I mean.
Nondiscriminating Friend (NF): Good times...good times.
TL: Genie? Did you find a lamp or something on our trip to Baghdad to rescue President Hearn from the clutches of the evil Pimpdaddy Saddam?
MW: No, dude. I'm gonna, ya know, "Do The Han Solo."
TL: Is there a Star Wars marathon on again? COOL!
NF: Come on, Levi! You know, "Varnishing the Bannister?"
TL: But our lair is entirely stone and steel, how can -
MW: Just shut the fuck up.
NF: (sotto voce to ManWhore) What an asshole.
(This is gripping stuff, eh? Let's see where things lead.)
(Suddenly, the cavern is filled with alarms and sirens and flashing lights.)
TL: Ye Gods! There must be some emergency! (Picks up nearby phone.) Yes? Oh no! We'll be right there!
MW: What's wrong?
TL: The Evil Dr. Grant has captured Lady Stankeye! We must rescue her!
NF: Somebody'll have to wake up The Drunkard.
(ManWhore discreetly walks over to the filthy chair in which The Drunkard is sleeping fitfully and nudges him. Nothing happens.)
MW: He's not waking up, dude. You think he's okay?
(NF walks over and notices a large empty bottle of Creosote (Footnote 3).)
NF: Looks like he drank this. He might be a while.
(Suddenly, The Drunkard awakes in a start.)
Drunkard: MOTHERFUCKAH!!!!!!!! (He runs towards the elevator doors, rips them open with his bare hands, discovers the elevator not there, and begins shimmying up the cables.)
TL: I suppose he's okay then! Bring the stomach pump for later, though.
(They fly to Evil Dr. Grant's lair. His lair is, not surprisingly, exactly like the Greek Legion's lair. Lady Stankeye, featuring a set of hooters that could, in an emergency, serve as emergency flotation devices for the QE2, is tied up in the corner.)
Dr. Grant: Aha! The Greek Legion! I have captured your divine mistress and shall have my way with her at your expense!
TL: I think not! Come, Friends, let us layeth a smack down! And do it Greek Style!
(ManWhore and Nondiscriminating friend start giggling uncontrollably.)
TL: What? What did I say? To hell with you assholes.
(He kicks the ever-loving shit out of Dr. Grant, grabs Lady Stankeye, and the whole lot of 'em fly back to their underground hideout.)
TL: Another successful day! Come, Lady Stankeye, let us retire to the Nooky Nook and freak this thang.
(Lady Stankeye rolls her eyes.)
MW: Um...while we were off screwing around with rescuing your ho, Evil Dr. Grant's henchmen set off a nuclear weapon that blew up Dayton, Ohio.
TL: Shit. Oh well, fuck it.
(He and Lady Stankeye go back to the Nooky Nook anyway and bone.)
See? What a great episode! Stay tuned for episode 2, "Lady Stankeye Gets Her Dumb Ass Captured Again and The Legion Goes To Rescue Her and She Gives That Leviathan Head."
Footnote 2: I know this name seems retarded, but I've got a
good joke planned for it later. Be patient.
Footnote 3: What the hell is creosote? I dunno. But it
sounds funny.
Any criticism about my column can be directed to suckit@matthearn.com.
Pictures of naked chicks can be sent to matt@matthearn.com.