You may have noticed that last week's Idol prediction, with Trenyce, Carmen, and Josh rocking the bottom three and Carmen "First Mormon Porn Star" Rasmussen getting tossed aside like the Detroit Red Wings, was exactly right. You may be wondering how I knew this would happen. The answer is simple: a little bird told me, and that little bird was Jesus.

Or maybe it was George Harrison. I'm not sure; when the voices all talk at once, it's hard to tell who's who.

Today's list is: Candy Bars That Failed the Consumer Surveys
I've decided it's time to run for office, particularly since I turned 25 a few months back and thusly became eligible to hold office as a State Representative. I figure it can't be that hard to get elected; if Rick Santorum can sway voters his way, any sketchy white trash retard can do it. (Like me.)

I've spent a few minutes thinking up what my campaign platform would be. Here are some of the main planks:

But how about you all, my dedicated readers and hopefully voters? What sort of issues would you like me to take a stand on when I get elected? Send your suggestions to column@matthearn.com and I'll discuss them at a later date.
Just a quick note about Larry Eustachy, the Iowa State Mens' Basketball coach. This week the Des Moines Register ran an article and a bunch of photos showing Eustachy at various campus parties, drinking beers and kissing college sluts on the cheek. There's been a big ol' scandal about it, and all kinds of people are calling for him to be fired.

My take: What's the big freakin' deal? What crime did he commit? Where's the victim? I suppose the argument is that he's brought some kind of disgrace on the school, but that's a crock of crap. The only reason there's any disgrace at all is because of media spin, which insinuates that somehow drinking and partying is wrong. I go to parties where I routinely end up at best shirtless, at worst pantless. At Sarah's birthday party last month I got my crotch grabbed half a dozen times. I don't recall anyone ever calling my boss and recommending I be fired.

Bob Knight did more to damage the image of Indiana basketball than Eustachy ever will, and it still took years before anyone would dare to fire him. Why? Because he wins. I'm not sure what Eustachy's record is, but I guarantee Jim Boeheim wouldn't be in this much trouble if he'd gone to a student party, done a few shots and a keg-stand, and kissed a couple sohos on the cheek.

I guess I just don't understand why people in the public spotlight are expected to be saints. Isn't it enough that he does his job and doesn't break the law?

Lastly, my wife's old cat passed away last week at the ripe old age of 18. Let's all pour out some half-and-half on the ground in memory of good ol' Peapatch.
Any criticism about my column can be directed to suckit@matthearn.com. Pictures of naked chicks can be sent to column@matthearn.com.