Number 1: Develop a money-laundering scheme. No, I'm not going to make some rude joke about using the hot/cold cycle (remember to use plenty of bleach). Most people think that developing a money-laundering scheme is incredibly difficult, but in reality it's delightfully simple:

• Step one: Make the acquaintance of a short, hirsute mobster, preferably named "Paulie" or "Jimmy the Mollusk." To ensure you've made the acquaintance of an actual mobster and not a mildly retarded street performer, count the number of pinky rings. Zero: not a mobster. One: Could be a mobster, but Two: Definitely a high ranking "made guy." If you see more than two pinky rings, well, that's "Six Finger Sid," and you're probably about to get hit in the head with a large softball bat. Guess I shoulda warned you about that first. My bad!
• Step two: Convince Paulie, Jimmy, or Sid (if you've managed to duck his swing, you'll find he's so impressed with you that he'll follow you around until he has the opportunity to save your life) that you are a serious "player" in some place he has never been to, such as Tulsa or Wake Island.
• Step three: When Paulie, Jimmy, or Sid is convinced you are Don Corleone, or at least Don Johnson, ask him if he knows of any place locally where some money might be "invested" to be retrieved at a later date. Paulie, Jimmy or Sid will smile. Remind him that you do not mean a horse track. Paulie, Jimmy or Sid will stop smiling, but ideally will take your money and use it to purchase partial ownership in a barbershop or perhaps a seedy bar. When that establishment inexplicably explodes for a reason totally unrelated to the money you gave Paulie, Jimmy, or Sid, you will be able to collect your money back, with interest, from the insurance settlement and put it in the numbered Swiss account your privately held corporation set up. You did remember to set up the corporation and the numbered account right? You FORGOT? You idiot.

Number 2: Don't make any money. A guy I know does this specifically so he can avoid paying tax to the government because they use it for military purposes. (He's, um, odd.) Of course, when I say "don't make any money" I mean make absolutely no more than you can make and have to give money to the government. This involves taking a job that pays poorly and taking every deduction you possibly can, including "kitty litter expenses" and "interest on mortgage for 2 room shack." I also recommend growing your own food, and having as many children as possible to be sold to rich couples with low sperm counts. Plus, if things get tight, there's always welfare and foodstamps. You can live off the taxes of others! WOOHOO!

Number 3: Move to Liechtenstein. Unfortunately, becoming a citizen there requires an invitation, I believe, and the invites only come when you reach a certain level of wealth; something approaching a half billion should do it, but getting there will require you to pay several hundred million in taxes, which defeats the purpose.

Number 4: Get elected to government and make serious changes to the tax laws and wasteful government spending.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Like that'd ever happen! I kill me.

Anyway, that's my nifty 4 point plan for tax avoidance.

Moving right along, this week the American Idol contestants have been whittled down to 6. Tonight, they eliminate one more. Let's take a look at this week's remaining "singers:"

• Kimberley Locke - Not a bad voice, but if she's not gone this week she's gone the next. The sympathy votes she gets from other highly overweight chicks are going to wane as time goes on, and regardless of whether or not Simon says she's becoming "cute," the only way that girl would be attractive would be if you deep fried her. Sure, it's a "singing" competition, but if you think you can make it as a performer without looking sexy, or at least INTERESTING, you're a commie.
• Carmen Rasmussen - Gets props for having the most confusing name. Is she Latino? Is she Scandinavian? Going with the blonde hair I'd say she's Scandinavian with retarded parents. She's also rather attractive, so she has that going for her; she definitely gets all the "horny stalker" votes. Unfortunately, she can't sing. At all. She'll get voted off in a few weeks (possibly tonight!) and then make her way into acting, where she'll get a supporting role or two, and then move straight to Skinemax, which in the end is the best thing we could all hope for.
• Josh Gracin - He sings fairly well, but he's not consistent. One week he makes a song his bitch, the next week he's out of tune and Simon's trying to find a gong to ring. His look can best be described as "John Wayne Gacy-wannabe," but unless he gets hammered by last night's poor performance, he'll managed to stick around until his voters realize you can be patriotic in more productive ways than just voting for the Marine every week.
• Trenyce - I guess she can sing, sorta. She spends more time dancing around on little R&B improvisations than actually singing a straight tone, so it's hard to say. She definitely needs to eat some of what Ruben's been choking down for the past 20 years, because the first time she sleeps with her producer she'll snap in half. She just doesn't really offer anything special, and compared to Ruben, Clay, etc. she'll be gone before too much longer. Sorry hon, you have to be worth watching before we'll let you get away with using one name.
• Clay Aiken - He's got a voice. It needs some training and control, but the basic instrument is better than anything else in the competition. He needs two more things to take the big prize: he needs to have his eyebrows styled in someway, because each of them is roughly 14 inches long, and he needs to stop getting his hair done by palsied gremlins on crystal meth. I'm not entirely sure what stylist told him that fluffing his thin hair up like that so his head is shaped like a carrot was "in style," but he should have them killed immediately.
• Ruben Studdard - He's got a voice like butter, and the entirety of Birmingham has his back. He's Barry White with a higher voice and much more on stage presence (since he takes up most of it).

Clearly I need to get a job writing soap operas.