I got myself called for jury duty! The form said "PETIT" at the top, so I'm thinking sweet, I go in, I get a trial by 11 am, pronounce a verdict for the plaintiff at about 3 pm, and hit happy hour, all on company time! (I'm on salary at CSC, so if I have jury duty, they still have to pay me! Beats working by the hour; last time I had jury duty I lost a day's pay.) Oddly enough, my boss Karin got called to the same jury pool I did. Luckily, she likes to drink; this would come in handy later.
I should point out, before we go much further, that I used to work for the Superior Court, so I know the layout of the courthouse fairly well, as well as most of the bailiffs. This would come in handy later.
To get to the courthouse, you can either pay $8-10 to park downtown for the day, or park for free at the minor league baseball stadium on the outskirts of town and take a 2-bit bus ride into town. We opted for the latter. It adds about half an hour to the commute, but I had a book. This would come in handy later. I feel like Victor Borge.
Karin and I show up at about 8:30, the appointed time, get our hip "Juror" stickers (that prevent people from talking to us and tainting our case), and sit in the waiting area with our reading material. Then we watch a HIGHLY amusing video made in 1987 about jury duty, featuring some amusing people I used to know as actors.
Then we sit. And we wait. And we wait. And we all get dragged up to a courtroom on the third floor. And we wait. And we wait. And I really need a goddamn cigarette.
The jury guy comes in and says, "Okay, I have good news, and I have bad news."
Gasps, deep breaths.
"Those of you that were hoping to serve on a trial today are going to be disappointed." We're all like HELL YES we're getting out of here at 11 am! Then some bailiff goes running up and whispers in his ear, and he says,
"But, we need you to call this number tomorrow morning at 8:30 to find out if you need to show up, and when." Motherf'er.
So we get to leave. Karin and I decide to not go back to work, 'cause we're free from The Man at 11:30 and it's already 70 degrees and sunny. WORD.
Next day, I oversleep, get in to work about 9:45. Karin's been trying to call the number all morning and check when we have to be there, but no dice yet. So I go to a training course at 10, get about halfway through and Karin grabs me.
"They want us there at 11." It was 10:45 at the time. We jump into her car, park downtown, show up at 11:15 or so, wait. And wait. And wait.
So at about noon, they send us to lunch. We get our snack and our drink on, head back. And wait. And wait. And wait. I got up to go to the john at one point, and considered going into a stall and rubbing one out, just for old time's sake. Rare was the day when I worked for the court that I didn't pull the pud at work. Good times.
At 1:30, the judge comes in, we do the stand up and sit down crap. She reads us some info, asks us a bunch of questions, splits us into groups. Karin and my group must return at 4 to be interviewed. ::sob::
So we go to Cactus Annie's over on 9th and start drinking whiskey. I work up a pleasant buzz and roll back to the courthouse by 4. Get interviewed at 5 or so.
Karin, of course, gets out 'cause she has a business trip. I, of course, get called back the next day. ::sob:: I drown my sorrows in whiskey.
Next day, I show up for another interview. I won't bore you with the details, but I got picked for a capital murder trial! YAY! That night, I went to DC to visit my boy J-Rod, and get royally retarded.
They tell me to keep calling that number to find out when I have to show up. I call Sunday night, they don't need us Monday. Word. I go to work, tell everybody, "Hey, I'll be scarce for 5 weeks, putting somebody in the chair." I call Monday night, they don't need us Tuesday. Wednesday's looking like the day; they must've picked the rest of the jury by now. I call Tuesday night, and find out the trial's been settled! The guy pled guilty to one of his charges, they dropped the rest, and he's going away for a long-ass time.
What did I learn from this experience? Jury duty is exciting, and incredibly boring. It's like a first date with a hot but incredibly stupid girl. All you can think during the date is, "Man, she's friggin' dumb, but I'll bet she sucks like a wetvac." Same thing with jury duty; you think, "Man, I hate sitting around all this time for no reason, but I hope I get to fry me somebody!" And then having the guy plead out after being selected (I was gonna be lucky #7) was like finding out she's a Mormon after you already paid for dinner.
I also found out that courtroom seats are really uncomfortable, particularly when you're hung over.