Check it out, baseball season has started! The Phillies won their opener! Jim Thome hit hisself an RBI double! Kevin Millwood threw multiple great innings! The bullpen didn't completely choke! I'm so happy! Happy! HAPPY!
Okay, I took my pill, I feel much better.
The baseball season is the best sports season of them all. Not because the sport itself is that great; honestly, it's just too slow. I don't quite understand how the outfielders stay awake, particularly since I'm sure they get tired just trying to hold up their enormous heads. Football is a far more interesting sport to watch, because you never know if you'll get to see somebody's foot snap off at the ankle and get crushed beneath a 350 pound "athlete."
The baseball season is, however, a microcosm of all things American: hot dogs, beer, pretzels with mustard, muscular Latin men in tight pants, etc. Baseball also comes with spring, which is particularly nice this year because Old Man Winter has been buggering us with a lubricant made from wasabi extract. Those of you not located in The First State (tm) probably missed it, but it actually snowed again here on Sunday. It was too warm to stick, but nevertheless I was outside in a blind rage, shaking a fist at the heavens, and challenging the clouds to a knife fight.
I think I'd had a little too much DayQuil. I swear there's heroin in the stuff.
Yes, my joy at the arrival of spring is tempered by the fact that I've caught a cold. Again. I got over one just over a month ago. This one started out the same, but has moved into my chest so I feel like I have TB. I keep hacking up chunks that I can only assume are bits of my lungs, from their ruddy grey color, their minute hairs, and their ominous deathly twitching.
Instead of bitching and moaning about my various ailments and why my column is a day late, I'm going to turn things over at this point to my buddy Kyle Anderson. He has written a hilarious set of baseball predictions for the year, and I want to share them with you.
NL EAST
Philadelphia - Bell a better bang for the buck than Thome; Millwood better than the other ex-Brave Glavine
N.Y. Mets - Art Howe is underrated; Vaughn/Burnitz/Alomar CAN'T be as bad as last year, right?
Atlanta - Outfield great but no speed or defense anywhere; Pitching staff is depleted
Montreal - Good young talent will enjoy playing for the Yankees after the All Star game
Florida - Can't win with an old catcher, injured pitchers and nothing else
NL CENTRAL
St. Louis - Pujols awesome, pitchers great and God will spite me by sending Rolen and J.D. Drew to playoffs
Chicago Cubs - Baker will prove his worth and Sosa and 3 power pitchers will get Cubs to playoffs
Houston - Kent helps aging offense; Good pitching staff will get shelled in Chicklet-sized stadium
Pittsburgh - Kendall should play OF; Giles and pitching staff better than you think
Cincinnati - Tough to win with Williamson, Graves, and (duh) Griffey Jr. on the DL
Milwaukee - Bud would increase winning percent by .200 by ending all Brewers games at first sign of a tie
NL WEST
Arizona - Johnson, Schilling, and new starter BK Kim will strike out 50 in a 3-game span this year
San Francisco - Entire lineup (sans Bonds) is new - Felipe will make the most of it
Los Angeles - Dodgers didn't do enough to keep up with D'backs and Giants
Colorado - Pitchers AND hitters don't know how to handle the gravity experienced at road games
San Diego - Only thing that would make the team look worse are those old ugly brown jerseys
AL EAST
N.Y. Yankees - Payroll more than the GNP of Bolivion
Boston - A geek for a GM and a healthy Nomah (and a weak AL East) slides the Sox into the Wild Card
Toronto - Should trade Vince Carter for a catcher and defensive left wing
Baltimore - So bad can't fill up (still) beautiful Camden Yards; Albert Belle still on roster and still best player
Tampa Bay - There should be a law requiring Piniella and Jim Mora to coach a bad team in every sport
AL CENTRAL
Chicago White Sox - If the old Frank Thomas is back, Konerko, Ordoņez, and great pitching staff win Central
Minnesota - Twins beat contraction but now have no motivation (or money) to stay on top
Cleveland - Now that Thome is gone, best hitter is Omar Vizquel (yikes!); Charlie Sheen is back for sequel
Kansas City - Better offense than Cleveland but no pitcher on staff won more than 4 games last year
Detroit - Bring back Barry Sanders!
AL WEST
Oakland - Wow. Great at every position; Only J-Lo's sound editor does more with less than Billy Beane
Anaheim - Everyone will be gunning for the Champs; Only one non-Yankees team has repeated in 26 years
Seattle - Getting best player from Tampa Bay for Piniella like dating the prudest porn star
Texas - Possibly MLB's best offense but nowhere near enough pitching for the toughest division
Division Series
A's over Red Sox (sorry Boston)
Yankees over White Sox (even I can't pick against the Yanks)
Arizona over Cubs (sorry Chicago)
Phillies over St. Louis (battery sales skyrocket)
Championship Series
A's over Yankees (finally!)
Arizona over Phillies (Phily still loves Schilling)
World Series
A's over Arizona (A's win in 7 in the greatest display of pitching in a World Series of my generation)
Other things that will happen in the 2003 MLB Season: