The Daily Nuisance
by Matt Hearn
Ah, the Oscars. That magical night when Whoopi Goldberg comes out of the
woodwork wearing a dress that appeared to have been designed by a blind goat,
cut from Dennis Rodman's beer-stained draperies, hand sewn by snow monkeys,
and stored under the hood of a 77 Dodge Magnum until Sunday night.
Just a few general comments:
- Poor, poor Robert Redford. He is not dealing with aging well. I'm not
sure what he's been having done to his face, but his eyes appear to have moved
within an inch of each other, and his skin looks like Saran Wrap.
- Jennifer Connelly is stunningly attractive, but I get a moral dilemma.
Remember in Labyrinth, how hot she was? Man, I'd love to have given that a
poke. Problem: she was 16 then. This is an interesting paradox, because as a
24 year old male, I catch bits of that movie and feel like a lecher; yet I
was actually only 8 when she was 16. She's 32 now.
It's the same kind of weird pangs of
guilt I get when I jack it to old Shirley Temple movies.
- Halle Berry is a fucking retard. On the other hand, I think all women that
bare their tits in movies should win major acting awards in short order.
We'd see a spate of women getting nekkid in films, and I'm sure we can
all agree that this country really needs major T&A right now.
By and large, the Academy Awards were moderately amusing, but then, I was drunk.
I don't know how it looked sober.
You may have noticed this column is mad early. I'm trying to make up for
missing a week earlier in the month, because I care about my readers. Both of
them. You may also have noticed that this column is shorter than usual.
That's because I don't give a fat fuck. Okay, it's
because I still intend to write a column later in the week, probably
Friday or Saturday, 'cause I'm going to a bar with my wife and her friends
on Wednesday for the wife's birthday, and a column about hot dancing drunk
chicks just seems like a crowd pleaser.
* * *
So I just took a look at this column online and noticed it's really frigging
short. I meant it to be short, but I was hoping you'd at least have to fuckin'
scroll down a bit.
So I'm padding it.
With lots of carriage returns.
Anyway, now seems like a good time to give some ups to a cool website called
itsyourturn.com. I spend a high
percentage of my workday there (c'mon, like I work) playing chess, checkers,
battleship, anything that strikes my fancy. Everybody should come play. You
can play for free, which gives you like 40 moves per day, or you can cough up
your $8 for 3 months of unlimited play. It's a feckin' DEAL.
It's in your best interest to play anyway, 'cause I really suck. I'm on there
as HomerS.
BTW: if any of you random motherfuckers want to contact me, I'm at
matt_hearn2001@hotmail.com, and
on AOL Instant Messenger as MattHearnCSC.
What the hell? My bottle of slimfast just jizzed all over my shirt. Goddamn
it. I'll catch y'all in a later column, I've gotta go clean myself up.
The above mentioned itsyourturn.com has a
great game called Horde Chess. The white side gets the normal setup of
pieces. The
black side gets nothing but pawns, 32 of 'em. The black side just has to
checkmate the king, but the white side has to eliminate all 32 pawns to win.
It's actually really cool, particularly since in chess, if your pawn reaches
the other side of the board, you can turn it into any piece you want (like
getting "kinged" in checkers). I was playing as black against this guy:
Yes, that's 3 queens. He finally just resigned 'cause all I was doing was
trying to get 5 queens. :)