The Daily Nuisance

by Matt Hearn

Okay, so I'm running a bit behind this week (not to mention last week's missed column; this column was actually written LAST week, but I never got it finished in time to post it. I suck). I try and get this column posted every Thursday bright and early, and this week I'm actually writing it ON Thursday, sitting at the CSC Newark Data Center, surrounded by loud machinery, and in annoying pain. So if you were on this morning looking for a new column and you're all pissed off, get over it.

Today's topic: Exercise, the Pros and Cons. Con #1: my left quadricep is thoroughly crippled. I spent about a half hour on the exercise bike, got off and stretched, bent down to pick up two heavy dumbbells, and my left thigh did something untoward. Now it feels like John Candy ate my leg and shat it out, leaving me to strut around on a turd for my remaining days.

Pro #1: Along with a diet (see Con #2) I'm down to 242 pounds, down from my weight of 246 about 3 weeks ago, moving me much closer to my goal weight of "Not a fat fuck."

Con #2: The aforementioned diet is basically a "Eat Very Little, and Nothing That Tastes Good Diet." The tastiest thing I get to eat all day are the Slim-Fast shakes I eat for breakfast and lunch. The price we must pay for immortality.

Pro #2: I actually woke up this morning active and ready to go at 7 am. I was at work by 8. Of course, this might be due to the amazing thrashing pain running up and down my left thigh.

Con #3: I haven't had a drink in days. I'm doing a weight watchers point system that allows me roughly 30 points per day, and each beer is 2 points. After a day of shakes and cereal, I don't have enough remaining points to get drunk. This is very ungood. Argh!

I think we can agree that, currently, diet and exercise fuckin' suck. Perhaps when I get my weight down to a more manageable level it'll be more fun. I'm not holding my breath.

* * * So we appear to be readying for an attack against Iraq again. Whoo fuckin' hoo. I can feel the jingoism rising up in me like milky bile. The part of the story that I really find interesting is that the British apparently have qualms about attacking Iraq. Is it just me or . . .

Who the hell cares what the English think?

I'd trust the opinion of a dead goat before I'd trust that of a Briton. Remember, these are the same guys that, when some maniac shot up a school in Scotland, decided to ban most guns from their country! I'd say that's worked well, what with gun crime skyrocketing throughout that godforsaken island. The same guys that, when Hitler said, "I want Czechoslovakia," said, "Fine! That's cool! Get in there, man!" ("But the US didn't do anything either!" you say? True, but it wasn't our fucking continent at stake.) The same folks that eat something called Spotted Dick.

I say sure, invade Iraq, blow shit up, what do I care? If the British get all pissy about it, bomb their ass too.

My leg really fuckin' hurts.

* * * So the Olympics have been over for two weeks, and I find myself fiending for curling. Speaking as somebody who has some bar shuffleboard experience, curling looked pretty fun. The only real downside to the winter olympics is that outside of figure skating, the women are hideous. Jamie Sale and Sasha Cohen were hot and all, and even Sarah Hughes wasn't bad (although she kinda looks like her jaw never really developed, and her hair framed her face in just the perfect way if you want to look like a gay 14 year old boy). But all the skiers and snowboarders and whatnot were frostbitten, sunburned, and incredibly weathered. Picabo Street looks like she's 47 years old. The cross country skiers and biathloners were even better, what with 2 hours worth of snot and drool frozen to their faces.

Is there a better sport than the biathlon? I love any sport invented by drunken Russians, be it shooting at shit after skiing a ways or torturing suspected spies. Those crazy (ex)commies!

* * * I really like when high level IT companies put commercials on TV. I like to try and follow the thinking of the marketing execs for those companies. Apparently they're hoping that the head of Walmart (or something like that) is sitting at home watching "Will and Grace", having thoughts like these: "Man, that Jack sure is gay! Hm...you know, I need a high availability fibre-optic connected UNIX based storage area network, and I need it RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!" And then a commercial comes on advertising just that, and the CIO gets so excited he rubs one out into his hand. Good shit, man.

* * * You know what I find funny? The gub-ment. Last fall they spent loads of time telling Americans not to discriminate against someone that might be of Middle Eastern persuasion. "They're Americans too! They're as hurt by all this as you are!" Then they gather up a whole shitload of Arabs and throw 'em in jail for interrogation! Ain't that a laugh riot? I love government-sanctioned racism. * * * Did I mention my leg is frigging killing me?

* * * I got to play bass in a pit orchestra the other night (and my frigging shoulder got all warped from holding it up, but that's another story). It turns out I don't suck too bad. Jury's still out on the rest of the band, but they'll catch up. I hope. I dearly hope. Turns out, apparently, the key to being a good electric bass player is keeping the amp turned down so you can't be heard and complained about.