Building a computer is not terribly difficult. It simply involves collecting the necessary parts and plugging them together in the proper way. Since most things can only be plugged in one way, you're golden!

(If you believe the previous two sentences, click here.)

PARTS YOU NEED
First, you will need to purchase a case. Specifically, a computer case. There are two varieties: the standard desktop, and the "tower." The tower is a standard desktop turned on its side, basically. Many people sit them under their desk, where they can kick it every time they sit down, which often jostles the cables loose so that the computer loses power, thereby preventing you from doing any damage to it by using it. The "standard desktop" is usually on the desk with the monitor atop it, so that you find yourself staring upwards at the screen and developing serious neck problems. Both case styles come in a variety of colors, from "Geeky Grey" to "Boring Black." (If you are a Mac owner, you have other colors available, such as "Flaming Orange," "Fruity Red," and "Blatantly Homosexual Puce.")

Next you will have to invest in a "motherboard." It is called the "motherboard" for several reasons:

• It controls everything in the computer, much like your own mother controls every aspect of YOUR life! (I sometimes also call it the "wifeboard.")
• The dude who invented it was one badass mother.
• During the installation, you will frequently yell "GET IN THERE YOU MOTHER[BOARD]!!!"

Next you will need a CPU, which stands for . . . uh, hm. Anyway, it plugs into the motherboard somehow and does something. I recommend you get the fastest one you can, as measured in Gigahertz, which I think is a value set by Alan Greenspan and has something to do with the cost of renting a car in College Station, TX.

Next you require memory. Most people think that "memory" and "disk space" are the same thing. Boy, are THEY ever wrong! We laugh at those fools, despite not quite remembering what the difference is ourselves. Anyway, you need both, and craploads of 'em.

That should pretty much take care of all your internal stuff. Be careful: salesmen will try to get you to buy other stuff to put in there, like "video cards" and "sound cards," but remember; they work on commission, and are therefore kissing cousins to Hyundai salesmen.

As to external stuff, you definitely need a monitor. Again, the salesman will try and get you to purchase a specialized computer monitor and separate speakers, but that's horse hockey. Any TV made in the past 50 years has built in speakers, doesn't it? And they're cheaper! The salesman will probably mutter something about compatibility issues, so just grab him by the testicles and make sure he understands you aren't there to be taken for a ride, right? (This is also a good way to get a sizeable discount on your entire purchase.)

You will also require a keyboard. Note: I'd love to be able to tell you that you can save some money here and plug in your old Hermes typewriter, but unfortunately computers won't be compatible with them until at least 2004, and it still may require some modification to the typewriter. Actual computer keyboards are relatively inexpensive, and you may be able to steal one from the public library anyway.

Lastly, you will need some REALLY strong superglue, preferably one of the kinds that you have to mix together two different chimicals to make a gooey, hot mess. (Do NOT put it on your scrotum. Don't ask me why.)

You'll also need a case of beer.

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
After you get all your parts home, dump them on the floor in your living room. No, not there. Over there, on the carpet; there's some kind of static-electricity-related reason for this, but I don't remember what it is.

Open the case. You may find it's been put together with some little screws; take out every single screw (with a blow torch, if possible) and throw them out. You'll be using the glue, like a real man. Next, find the output from the power supply (big metal thing in the case, should have a fan or something); if you can't, don't worry, you should be able to plug the power cord directly into the motherboard. Either cord can go in any open slot you find; modern computers can figure out what's being plugged into them. Genius, huh? If you have trouble making the power connection stay attached, break out the glue. (Try to avoid gluing your face to the motherboard. Don't ask me why.) After you're done, drink a beer or two.

Next you must install your CPU. It should stick right into the motherboard on the top somewhere. Note: it may come with a heat sink, a piece of spiky metal to stick on the top to dissipate heat. This is silly; everybody knows that hotter electrons move more quickly. You can improve the speed of your computer by up to 50% by removing the heat sink and feeding it to the dog. After you're done, drink a few more beers.

Next is the memory/disk. Since we at matthearn.com still can't quite remember what the difference is, we're gonna say just glue 'em into the case somehow and make any connections that look fairly obvious, and let the motherboard figure them out. Drink PLENTY of beer after THIS step!

Now close the case up with liberal amounts of glue. There should be obvious connections on the back for your TV and the keyboard; if there are not, you screwed something up inside the case. Open it back up (using either your blowtorch or a good circular saw) and look for obvious loose connections. If you see any, squirt some glue on 'em. Close the case back up, and drink the rest of the case of beer.

By now you should have a functioning computer! Or be so drunk that you've completely forgotten about the jumble of internal parts that are now glued to your carpet! In case of any problems, feel free to contact the MicroSoft support line.

Those of you who are skeptical of our proven technique should know that this build method is an exact duplicate of the one used by Packard Bell, who have been making quality computers for many years! What? They're out of business? Well, shit.