matthearn.com

It’s like playing 20 questions, if the questioner is outrageously stupid. Stolen from Chris Turner via Facebük.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? My face, in a (so far) almost complete and utter failure to try and keep my skin clear.


2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Rojo.


3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? In case my wife reads this: yes.


4. Do you plan outfits? Only if I’m getting really dressed up for something. Most days I just get up and put on pants, and then find a matching shirt.


5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Tired, but looking forward to facing the weekend.


6. Whats the closest thing to you that’s red? A small heart on my shirt, which reads “i [heart] hot moms”


7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I had a dream about Rachel Maddow the other day.


8. Did you meet anybody new today? A little boy, named Curtis, who is in Charles’s preschool class.


9. What are you craving right now? A beer.


10. Do you floss? No. I know I should, but I hate tooth maintenance. I wouldn’t brush my teeth if my breath didn’t smell of elderberries; I hate the lingering taste of mint. It throws off all my meals. And I love meals.


11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Charles Babbage.


12. Are you emotional? I think the survey would say X.


13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? While I do believe I have a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome, I haven’t quite gone that far.


14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I lick it, but keep in mind my tongue is large and can slurp off a lot of frozen dessert in one lick.


15. Do you like your hair? I like the color, but it’s too fine to do anything with.


16. Do you like yourself? Mostly. I wish I wasn’t so lazy.


17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Let’s put it this way: I never like being the smartest person in a conversation because I can’t learn anything. I think a conversation with the former President would make me feel so superior I might start funding eugenics research.


18. What are you listening to right now? Thomas the Tank Engine, being played on the TV while no one pays attention, but of course if it were to be turned to the Phillies game there would be wailing and gnashing of teeth.


19. Are your parents strict? Not particularly. I never really had much interest in stretching the boundaries; I was quite the boring fellow.


20. Would you go sky diving? Sure, if someone else paid. It’s just another expensive pursuit, I can’t afford the hobbies I already have.


21. Do you like cottage cheese? No, it’s like eating cold bone marrow.


22. Have you ever met a celebrity? A few U.S. Senators and other politicians, that’s about it.


23. Do you rent movies often? I almost never have 2 hours to sit and watch anything, so no. About once a month, I’d say.


24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? My wife’s bracelets.


25. How many countries have you visited? 8, I think; St. Kitts-Nevis, Iceland, Norway, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, France (for a quick afternoon), and the UK.


26. Have you made a prank phone call? Nah. Seems like juvenile humor to me, and while I am a connoisseur of the tasteless joke, prank calling involves picking on random people for no good reason. This is also why I skip the portions of “Jackass” where they’re just being rude to people or taking dumps in toilets displayed at hardware stores. I’m more amused by them injuring themselves.


27. Ever been on a train? Road the Strasburg Railroad a few times, and last summer took a train home from Manhattan.


28. Brown or white eggs? We buy white, but I don’t really care. My grandmother used to cook the brown ones, they taste the same.


29. Do you have a cell-phone? Yes.


30. Do you use chap stick? Only once my lips are too far gone to be saved.


31. Do you own a gun? A couple airguns, but sadly most of my income is spoken for by electronics.


32. Can you use chop sticks? Being a yuppie WASP, of course.


33. Who are you going to be with tonight? A bunch of theater friends! Who has two thumbs and is excited? Moi.


34. Are you too forgiving? Depends. To their face, I let people get away with stuff. But then I hold a grudge and talk about them behind their back. I’m like a 13-year-old girl, down to my bizarre fixation with Miley Cyrus.


35. Ever been in love? Constantly.


36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? We’ll be going to dinner at her parents’ for her brother’s birthday.


37. Ever have cream puffs? Yeah. Made ’em myself! They were…so…awesome.


38. Last time you cried? Probably earlier this week, watching the Harry Kalas memorial service I’d taped.


39. What was the last question you asked? I do not remember.


40. Favorite time of the year? Whichever time is coming up. In winter, I want spring. Spring: summer. I’m never happy with what I’ve got.


41. Do you have any tattoos? I plead the fifth.


42. Are you sarcastic? <SARCASM>No, not at all.&lt/SARCASM>


43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? I saw a few minutes of it and threw up in my mouth.


44. Ever walked into a wall? My torso is something like 3 feet wide. Doorframes are not made with me in mind. I constantly bang my shoulders into them. I’ve been known to knock the frame out of plumb.


45. Favorite color? Blue.


46. Have you ever slapped someone? I’ve spanked my son a few times, and instantly regretted it each time.


47. Is your hair curly? Hell no.


48. What was the last CD you bought? I downloaded Jim Gaffigan’s latest effort yesterday evening. Actual disk? Jeez…I think it was a Celine Dion album for the wife.


49. Do looks matter? Of course. I look fabulous!


50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Depends on the particular action.


51. Is your phone bill sky high? Yes, only because iPhone bills ain’t cheap. But if this supposed to mean “Do you talk on the phone a lot?” the answer would be oh hells no. I hate talking on the phone. That is why the Good Lord Sweet Crying Baby Jesus invented texting, email, and Twitter.


52. Do you like your life right now? Reasonably so. I’d like to be further advanced in my artistic endeavors, but one does what one can.


53. Do you sleep with the TV on? Only if I fall asleep watching baseball.


54. Can you handle the truth? I believe I’m entitled to the truth.


55. Do you have good vision? Very good, actually, which is annoying because in most other ways my body is very defective. I have something like 20/10 vision, but of course my hand-eye coordination is abysmal so I can’t, say, hit a fastball.


56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Probably, but I try not to dwell on it until they bug me.


57. How often do you talk on the phone? Maybe once a day.


58. The last person you held hands with? Charles, walking across the parking lot from Home Depot.


59. What are you wearing? Camouflage shorts (in case someone tries to hunt me), tan-ish tshirt, brand-ass new New Balance kicks.


60. What is your favorite animal? Anything feline. Large rodents are a close second.


61. Where was your default picture taken? Since this came from Facebook, you can’t see it unless you are my frien’, so check it. We were at a picnic at Breck’s Lane.


62. Can you hula hoop? For approximately .08 seconds.


63. Do you have a job? Yes; I work for AIG 21st Century Farmer’s Insurance.


64. What was the most recent thing you bought? The aforementioned kicks.


65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Sure. Cars, homes, morgues, you name it.

Wow. That’s it? Okay.