I’ve been thinking a lot about vegetarianism lately, prodded by my friend Rachel and various other famous folks, and I think it’s time I joined the fray. Not that I have anything of value to say, really, but Lord knows if I can say something stupid and pointless about a subject that I know nothing about, I am going to do so, dang it.
It’s the American Way.
Anyway. I’m willing to concede that a vegetarian diet is undoubtedly healthy, even healthier than a meat-laden diet, assuming you make sure to get various vitamins that are found in abundance in meats and rather scarcely in veggies. I’m a little hesitant to concede that eating meat is unethical, because I am a bit of a moral relativist and I don’t like when people tell me where to draw lines. (What I mean by this is the following: my house has an ant problem. It hasn’t been bad the last few months, but usually they reemerge every spring in swarms until I pay a thin man with a truck full of noxious chemicals to arrange for their collective demise. I consider this to be vital to the health of my family, and I’d like to think that any vegetarian with any sense would deal with a pest problem the same way. Ants have brains, though. Why does a chicken’s brain have any greater claim to the continuation of life than an ant?) I’m completely supportive of the idea that animals should be treated humanely, and thus I do disapprove of large farms that stuff animals into small cages and inject them with horrific chemicals to counteract the effects of putting millions of barely-healthy critters into a small space. (Not gonna lie, though, KFC is hella good.)
I do get into arguments with veggie folks, though, over the idea that humans were or weren’t designed to eat meat. Humans may or may not have subsisted primarly on seeds and pine nuts 50K years ago, I wasn’t there taking notes. But they did eat meat when they could get it. And why? Because It Tastes Good.
My argument here is not that we should be permitted to eat on animals just because it tastes good. What I’m saying is that animals are designed/evolved/made by robots/whatever to eat certain diets, and to them those diets taste good. Carnivores eat meat not because they have made an objective decision that, ethics be damned, they believe it is their birthright to eat the flesh of their fallen animal brothers, but because IT TASTES REALLY DELICIOUS to them. Herbivores stick to grass and leaves and things not because they are tree huggers who drive hybrids with ACLU stickers all over them, but because to them that stuff is like prime filet, yo.
I can’t speak for anybody but myself, but to me, red meat tastes like there is a party in my mouth and stomach and NOBODY ELSE IS INVITED ITS ALL JUST FOR ME YOU BASTARDS. Tofu tastes like an elephant crapped and somebody rendered it into cube form. My tongue was designed to deliver pleasurable sensations to my brain when I eat meat, and thusly I intend to continue eating animals AND vegetables in massive amounts, as is my nature, until enough people disagree with me to make a law saying it’s illegal. I figure this’ll happen around 2032 or so, so I’d better get my fill while I can.
dude. hear what yer saying. and the pleasure argument is absolutely legit. you only live once, might as well eat what tastes good while you can, yada yada yada.
but it only goes so far. there are LOTS of things we could be doing ad infinitum because they make us feel good: mad illicit sex, cocaine binges, you name it – but we don’t because we know they will ultimately kill us and/or leave us with vague burning sensations. same reasoning for the choice to curtail meat consumption, as much as it is a party in yer mouth. btw, i just posted a bigass thing about veggie ethics, etc. the other day, which you should read if you haven’t already. big points for “not gonna lie, though, KFC is hella good.” i’m rolling.
“30 days” on KFC would be even WORSE than what Spurlock did in 30 days on MacDonalds. I actually walked into one with the fam last week and they had NO GRILLED anything and it’s months (read: a year) before they get the “healthier” oil. I almost joined the semi-aged geeks with Anorexia club. Really.
On second thought, you wanna join? You get all the benefits without the effects and we can counteract the esophageal erosion with Nexium and a glass of 2% milk. Join. You need another disorder.