matthearn.com

No, I’m not dead. No, I didn’t give up on the website or something. Y’all punks need to CHILLAX. I’m here, I’m weird, get used to it.

I just went on vacation, yo. I would have announced that I was leaving before I actually left, but that struck me as a singularly bad idea, since you’d all break into my house and steal my priceless collection of used condom wrappers picked up on lengthy bike rides. So I figured I’d just disappear for a week, freak everybody out, make y’all think that perhaps I had been shiv’d (aka shank’d) at work or something.

But now I’m back, so remain calm, and I shall share with you a daily blow by blow of my week on Le Vacay:

Saturday (7/2)
We couldn’t get into the house until after 2pm, so we decided to just take a leisurely morning and get packed and ready to go. We finally got on the road around 3, as I recall, and headed south in Sarah’s car, stacked to the freakin’ brim with clothes, CDs, and bicycles. We hit town around 5, got our stuff into the house, and began sitting around watching TV. Then the people from whom we rented the place showed up with leftover crabs, of which I ate something like 347. Then we got Dairy Queen.

Sunday
I woke to the smell of deliciousness, and discovered that my mom and my sister had made some hella grood Eggs Benedict, which is named after Benedict Arnold, who I believe was a character on “Good Times.” So I ate me some of that, and then we meandered over to the beach, where I darkened my skin for a bit and flung my flimsy body into the ocean over and over until the guards came down and asked if I might stop, as I was affecting the tide.

That evening Sarah and Liz (my lil sistah) and I went to the Rusty Rudder to meet some of our friends, and partake of a seafood buffet that left me fatter than a tick on a dead guy’s eyeball.

(What did that mean?)

Monday (Teh 1ndependenz D@y!!11!1!1 lol)
Things were a little cloudy, and Sarah and I wanted to relax, so we skipped out on the beach and sat around the house reading, watching TV, playing video games. In the evening we headed over to my father’s cousin’s house for some beers and some stuffing our faces. That was a good time; I saw some family I don’t believe I’ve run into in probably 10 years, and got to play with their explosives. We wanted to watch the fireworks, but unfortunately the clouds and fog obscured most of them. We could hear them, but listening to fireworks is like hearing someone else fart: not as much fun.

Tuesday
Tuesday morning, my father had to drive home and go to work, which was sad and depressing. Not long after he skedaddled, my aunt and cousin arrived to help keep us entertained for the week. That was the good times, right there.

Sarah and I drove up towards Bethany Beach to visit Todd and Jodi and Conner (collectively known as Jodder) at Jodi’s mom’s house. We went to the pool for a little while, and sat around their house chit-chatting. All around, it was good times. Conner, at roughly 18 months, speaks English better than my wife.

That evening we drove up into Dewey so we could go see Chorduroy play at the “Lighthouse,” only to discover that we had been misinformed: Chorduroy was to appear on Wednesday, and we were out of luck. So we traipsed back home and had ourselves a nice sob and a nap.

Wednesday
We decided to go to Rehoboth to do some shopping and sightseeing and plenty of eating, so I put on my rainbow polo shirt and headed north. We made some purchases of books and other trinkets, had Nic-o-Bolis (like a stromboli but balicious), and then headed back down to Fenwick. We hung around a bit, and then Sarah and I drove back to the Lighthouse to see Chorduroy and have Orange Crushes.

Thursday
Sadly, Thursday was cloudy, so our short trip to the beach was cold and windy. We came back to the house and concentrated on stuffing our faces with anything that would hold still long enough. My father returned to the party that afternoon as well.

Friday
After having rained all night, my dad and I were worried about our 10 am tee time, so I called the golf course to check on them. Three holes were flooded, so I cancelled and told them I’d call back in the afternoon. When I did so, they said not to bother making a tee time, just come on out and start swinging.

I planned to get there and hit a bunch of balls on the driving range to get into my groove, having not swung a club all summer, but sadly the driving range was under water. So I had to play without a warmup.

I shot a 59 on the “front” (we started on the 10th), and then found a bit of a groove and hit something around a 48 on the “back.” Good times. Plus it was a public non-governmental course so they had beer. Can’t argue with frosty cold ones when you want to cure your slice.

Saturday
We had to be out of the house by 11, so Sarah and I got up, showered, helped clean the place, and headed to Dewey. Some of our various comrades were expected to get into town that afternoon, so we found a quiet bar or 8 and whiled away the day until we could get into their house at about 3.

Having been up since 8, I figured I’d better get a strong nap in or else I’d never be able to stay up through all the partying, I went down for a nap around 5pm, and awoke at 9 when Sarah came in to jostle me. We got dressed and went to the Lighthouse again, where I lasted for about a half an hour before I realized I still needed more sleep, so I went back to the house and slept for about 9 more hours. (It was awesome.)

Apparently some things occurred while I was asleep. I didn’t witness any of it, but I’m told the stomach juices flowed with great gusto.

Sunday
We had time to get up, have some breakfast, and head to the beach for a few hours before we went home. On the way back we stopped at Texas Roadhouse and had so much food I couldn’t breathe properly for about 8 hours. Salad, steak, mashed potatoes, bread, fried onion thing, soup, potato skins…I think I gained 17 pounds in one day, to go on top of the 30+ I may have gained during the week.

If my poop could tell stories, man. Seriously.