Last night I dreamt about James Lileks, but I want to make it clear that in my dream, I did not attempt to sex him up. That is an important point that needs to be clearly enunciated. I DID NOT ATTEMPT RELATIONS WITH JAMES LILEKS. AND EVEN IF I DID, HE TURNED ME DOWN. That is, assuming I had attempted to get with him, WHICH I DID NOT DO.

Anyway. So I guess because he’s so awesome, which he is, in my dream I decided I’d like to give him a gift.

Personally.

So I wrapped something (I don’t remember what, exactly), and flew out to Minneapolis, and knocked on his door. No answer for a minute, and then oddly enough my cellphone rings, and it’s James. Huh? I don’t know. Anyway, he asks me what’s up, and I say, “Hi bud, I’m just here to give you a present ’cause you’re rad,” or something to that effect. So he comes down and lets me in.

Just then I realize that I no longer have his present. All I have is one of his books, unwrapped, which would be a strange thing to give him, as one would suspect he probably already had a copy lying around somewhere. Then he informs me that the package I sent him arrived yesterday, and sure enough, there’s my wrapped present, sitting on his kitchen table. To sum up:

  1. I flew to Minneapolis to give Lileks a gift that apparently I had already shipped to his home.
  2. He thought nothing wrong with this, and had even waited until I showed up to open the package.

The package was about the size of a recipe box, and yet it contained a large wall calendar. A used one. I have no idea what else was in the box, but apparently as a whole, the present was satisfactory, because James and I decided it would be fun to go out for a ride and smoke small cigars. At a gas station. With my parents.

Huh? What in the brightly-colored horse apples?

Then, we decided it would be fun to go to some hotel bar, where we met up with Sean Patrick Thomas (A Delaware native, I’ll have you know!) and his posse, where I did a bit of dancing, and made Sean angry at me for calling him “B,” which apparently in my bizarre dream world is akin to using the “N” word. I apologized profusely.

After the party died down, James took me upstairs into some kind of hotel ballroom, where they were going to have a Doom3 demonstration on a large screen. At this point, I woke up and said very mean things to my wife. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I WAS HALF-ASLEEP. I MAY ALSO HAVE KICKED A CAT IN THE RIBS.

My wakeful life feels so empty now.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:
  1. Henna
    May 25th, 2005 at 23:55 | #1

    that’s what happens when you smoke crack before bed.

  1. No trackbacks yet.