matthearn.com

It’s been a few months since the last time we looked at the search engine queries that lead people to matthearn.com, but let me tell you: I continue to apparently be America’s main source of information about Dwyane Wade. Some of the searches that led folks here:

dwyane wade muscle 30 (searches)
dwyane wade muscles 18
dwyane wade men’s health 9
dwyane wade shirtless 7
dwayne wade muscle 3
dwyane wade body fat 3

In order to knock out these questions in order: yes, I believe D-Wade has muscles, I am fairly certain he is concerned about men’s health in general and prostate health in particular, his body fat is somewhere around 10%, and he actually looks better IN a shirt because of his skin tone and sad eyes. I’m not sure how to answer this one:

d’wade you mad 2

because I find it difficult to believe that a professional athlete, particularly one in the top 10 players in his sport, could ever really be mad about anything. Then again:

I got a lot of these:

thatching rake 18
thatching race 3

I think we should clear this up; a thatching rake is this:

A thatching race, however, is this:

Know the difference. Since I’ve been posting a lot about diet and training, I of course get a lot of hits from folks who are trying to get in shape.

how to gain 15 pounds of fat 16
before and after running weight loss 9
before and after running 8
running weight loss before and after 8
ideal protein diet before and after pictures 8
running before and after 7
running before and after weight loss 6
weight loss running before and after 5
before and after weight running 5
skinny to muscular before and after 4

Just a gentle reminder to everyone: if you’re running to lose weight, and aren’t being careful about your diet, you will look like this:

If you diet right, you don’t even need to run, which is good, because running hurts, and it sucks. I write one little post like eleventy-bajillion years ago about my car, and the hits just keep on comin’:

protege 98 10
98 mazda protege 9
mazda protege 1998 9
mazda protege 98 8

It’s worth noting that I donated that car roughly 5 years ago. All I can tell you about it was that it was very reliable and utterly boring.

dunkin donuts chocolate glazed donut 3

They are FRICKING DELICIOUS. Please don’t ask about them again, you may have heard I’m on a diet.

maria bamford husband 2

I had forgotten who Maria Bamford is, so I checked Wikipedia, and it turns out she’s a stand-up comedian. The article makes no mention of a husband, just a couple of dogs, so I think just contact her agent and try and get them digitz, playa.

a tired rugby player after 30 minutes 2

is a rugby player who’s not scoring a lot of trys or, uh, what’s the other way you can score in rugby? Wickets? Chukkers? I can’t remember. Speaking of scoring in rugby:

rugby players f***ing 3
chubby rugby player 2
big rugby player testicles 2
naked rugby players 2
hot rugby ass 2
gay pacific rugby 1

Most of these are the result of a post I wrote a few months ago in which I mentioned that rugby players are tough, and American football players are (usually) not. Apparently there’s a demographic for rugby nookie, and at least one person out there interested in getting a little Ring of Fire Homo Rugby Love, which would be an excellent name for a Hindi-Pop band.

rae dawn chong 4
rae dawn chong naked 4
rae dong chong naked 3
rae dawn chong hot 2
rae dawn chong ass 2

I can’t really help y’all with the “nude” part, because this is family website and all, but here’s a nice portrait I stole from afro-style.com, which I visit almost daily:

I really, really don’t know what’s going on here:

freddy mercury the only acceptable duckface 3
freddie mercury balancing on a ball 3
freddie mercury on a bench 2

I don’t think the duckface is ever really acceptable, perse, but we do give the late Freddie some allowances, since he was fricking awesome, and everything. I mean, this actually happened:

And this:

And oh god my eyes this:

So you know what? If Freddie Mercury wants to make a duckface…you let him.

freddie mercury teeth 2

Not his finest feature.

woman lifts wieghts with ass 2

That seems…ill-advised, and misguided.

matt hearn gay sports massage 1

Where do I sign up?

plumber’s cleavage photo 1

Yeah, not going there. Unless the plumber in question is Hayley Atwell.

rascal flatts stand on the piano 2

I feel like that would be awfully damaging to the piano. I mean, that lead singer is awfully husky.

“dog flavored cigarettes” 2

I thought Google was blocked in China?

quantum energy slim line carp 2,75 lb 1

Wh…what?

bacon dinosaur 1

That’s about it. I suspect next time we do this there will be nothing but searches for Freddie Mercury’s nipples. I’m okay with that.