matthearn.com

Sorry for the late post today, and the rather high possibility of no post at all tomorrow. Things at work are pretty hectic, so I haven’t had a lot of time to do all the brain-storming and research that goes into each word I write. (For example, today’s post was written only after a staff of 14 people spent about 3 solid days apiece looking up Jack Parr’s middle name, only to be told that I didn’t need it after all. They all quit. My help never lasts long.)

Anyway, I’ve decided I should be on TV. I mean, honestly, how can I NOT be on TV at this point. I’m hilarious! Ask anybody! I haven’t entirely decided on a format, but I figure it’ll be a cross between a regular talk show, and “Chappelle’s Show.” Funny sketches involving making fun of African Americans when they get slave reparations, that kind of thing, but occasional interviews with Jon Stewart and Charo.

Here are some of my [brilliant] ideas so far:

• Sidekick. I’d definitely have a totally awesome sidekick. Way better than Ed McMahon. What the hell was that, anyway? Did he have any redeeming qualities other than the ability to agree with everything Johnny said? I’d prefer a show where the chemistry of the players involved was better than that of the Bush administration, thanks.

  I’m thinking along the lines of Jon Stewart or my sister, Liz. Jon’s funny; Liz has a big rack. Jon might try to steal the show, and then I’d have to hide his body in the desert, so we can’t have that.

• The best in comedy. What I will do, is hire away all the current SNL writers. Then, I will shoot them all in the face and hire people that are funny, like Al Franken. Liberal radio channel . . . har! That was hilarious.
• I imagine I’ll have to have a live studio audience, which will be great ’cause I’ll just make sure they’re all drunk or stoned or both. I’ll get HUGE laughs for anything from farting to periodically showing pictures of what Bob Marley might have looked like at age 50 if he went bald. And if the crowd starts to turn on me, I have Liz flash a nipple. It’ll be great. So long as I personally don’t have actually see
  my sister’s nipple, ’cause that’s just NASTY. I definitely just threw up in
  my mouth.
• Once a week, I will take a day off and let a monkey host an episode. That’ll be AWESOME.
• Speaking of drinking, I’ll definitely make sure all the guests are loaded. Unless of course they are alcoholics. Then they get all the methamphetamines they can take.
• Periodic dance breaks, a la Ellen DeGeneres, will be encouraged. Metal stripper poles will be provided for this purpose.
• The guest list would be an absolute who’s-who of modern pop culture:
  • Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam (musical performance)
  • Ian Ziering
  • Pat Sajak (and Vanna, if she’s willing to dance on the pole)
  • Urkel

I can’t imagine some major media outlet isn’t falling all over itself to pick this idea up. C’mon, people! Me! Liz’s breast! Urkel! A MONKEY!

Anyway, there may be an update tomorrow, or it might not happen until Wednesday. WE SHALL SEE.