matthearn.com

Ooh, tough news. My aunt sent me one of those “answer all these mildly idiotic questions about yourself and send it on to everyone” emails. You know what that means: I answer all the questions on here and force you all to read them! (Seriously. Read this, or I will show up at your house with a German Shepherd and a tall Dane named “Svikaak.”) Also, there will be some study questions at the end that you’ll want to answer if you want to do well on next week’s test.

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?

Jackass, like 3 years ago. Hey, I don’t go to movies. I don’t see the point in paying $9 a ticket to go be deafened by drivel that’s going to be out in a year on HBO. (Movies are too loud. Also, you drive too fast, I can’t believe stamps no longer cost 22 cents, and what’s with all this long hair? Damn kids.)

2. What book are you reading now?

This unbelievably horrible novel entitled “The Golden U-boat.” I can’t even begin to describe how bad it is. I don’t have it in front of me, so I can’t quote the dialogue, but it couldn’t be more forced if the author was holding a gun to his characters’ heads. Made-up example:

“But Chief, you know as well as I do that the sonar won’t pick up a surface ship amongst this awful surface noise! Think ye not that we should head to The Great Depths of which our venerable underwater craft is capable and thereby increase the effectiveness of our listening devices? I daresay, the captain may be daft! BARKING daft, were you to ask my person.”

You may think I’m joking. Perhaps I will lend you this book. I can’t even figure out why I keep reading it; I’m roughly 60% through it, and the Nazis still haven’t tried to build their nuclear weapon. In year 1990. Yes, I know. Let’s just move on.

3. What is your favorite board game?

Oh, I dunno. I’m partial to Cranium, of course, but I always seem to win. That, my friends, is because I’m smarter than everybody else on the planet. It’s nothing personal, it’s just true.

Of course, I couldn’t beat a horse at chess. No patience, you see.

4. What is your favorite magazine?

Hm. I don’t really read a lot of magazines. I get “Men’s Journal,” although what I actually ordered was “Men’s Health,” and I should tell you that Men’s Journal is a pretty crappy magazine. There’s usually one decent article about something, and then 80 pages of advertisements for adventure vacations, expensive diving watches, and interviews with professional ski instructors. As if I give a crap what Bodhi LeMange says about life paralleling a ski slope.

Short answer: Modern Drunkard.

5. What are your favorite smells?

Oh, this could go a number of different ways. I mean, you could go gross (along the lines of “Smell my finger!”), super gross (“Now guess where my finger’s BEEN!”), and relatively tame (“saffron”).

I’m going with: bacon. Because bacon is mankind’s greatest discovery after adultery.

(Haha! Just kidding! Adultery is TOTALLY bad.)

6. What are your favorite foods?

Was it once an animal? Then there’s a pretty good chance it is one of my favorite foods. I haven’t yet met fauna I won’t grub up ons. Specific faves include pig and cow.

7. What is the worst feeling in the world?

It’s a toss-up between getting kicked in the nuts, and getting your scrotum caught in a table-saw.

(And all the guys just threw up in their mouths. Hey, that’s what I’m here for, folks.)

9. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

“Dammit, why do I keep dreaming about Brad Pitt and Menudo having an orgy at Hunter S. Thompson’s house? 2 weeks in a row now! What the hell!”

10. What is your favorite fast food place?

I’d have to go Wendy’s on this one. Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, 99 cents. I usually get between 5 and 8 and peel the buns off and go Atkins BUCK WILD on themses. Totally balicious.

11. What names have you picked for future children?

I haven’t quite convinced Hearnwife of this year, but I’m fairly certain my first-born is going to be named “The Right Reverend.” Regardless of gender. Plus, you can abbreviate it a bit, and “The Rt. Rev’d Hearn” just looks so awesome on paper. And it’s not like anybody in my family is likely to earn a bishopric.

I’m also partial to the name “Levert.”

12. Finish this statement: “If I had a lot of money, I would . . .”

Quit my job and spend a lot more time on the toilet.

Then I would spread the wealth around a little bit to some worth charities, and then I’d go to England to see if the toilets there are as awesome as I remember.

13. Do you drive fast?

Depends on my mood, and whom you might ask. Honestly, unless I’m stressed, I don’t go more than 10mph above the limit. However, I tend to frighten passengers because I don’t put up with things like people driving slow in the left lane without getting about 15 inches from their bumper and flashing my lights.

14. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Four, if you count obese cats.

15. What’s your opinion of storms: cool or scary?

Pretty much cool. I’d much rather have a totally righteous thunderstorm than just boring old rain. I dislike rain, but if I have to have it, make it entertaining. I mean, is it too much to ask for some fun lightning to strike the neighbor down the street with the damn dogs? That would be so awesome.

16. What was your first car?

A 1972 Pontiac Grand Ville. I believe it to be the largest production car ever built. It was AWESOME. I miss it. I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Now I’m getting verklempt.

17. What’s your favorite drink?

I’m partial to both orange soda and scotch, though not mixed together, as that would be nasty.

I’ll also admit a certain affinity for pureed bat guano.

18. Finish this statement: “If I had more time, I would . . .”

Probably get more sleep. This 8 hours a night thing just isn’t working out, really. It’s only 10am, and I’m already ready for a nap.

19. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

Of course. I’ll eat anything that I can dip in mayonnaise.

20. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?

That’s sort of an absurd question. I can dye my hair any color. I just buy the dye, and get to coloring. That’s silly.

(Blond.)

21. Name all of the different cities or towns where you have lived:

• Media, PA: I don’t remember it, but my parents assure me I lived there, in an apartment in which they may or may not have had to throw a couch from the balcony because it was on fire. During the Super Bowl. I dunno.
• Wilmington, DE: A long, long time, potapatie, potapahoney. This is where my formative years were spent, which explains why I’m so boring.
• Baltimore, MD: Ah, what a great two years. What with the cutting class, hanging around liquor stores, occasionally going to court with my buddy Mike when he had to testify to put some poor slob in jail for assaulting him . . . definitely the most productive years of my life.
• Newark, DE: I was in college, so therefore I remember little of these years.
• New Castle, DE: I’ve been here about a year so far, and all I can tell you is that we’re happy to find out that the woman in our neighborhood that was stabbed to death in her home wasn’t a random victim.

22. Glass – half empty or half full?

Half full. Probably with booze.

23. Favorite sport to watch?

Curling, and let me tell you it is a travesty that it is only on during the Winter Olympics! 2006 can’t get here soon enough for me, I tell you.

24. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:

She has had her picture taken with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

25. What is under your bed?

A skittish grey cat and a gimp suit.

26. Toilet paper: over or under?

I believe I’ve talked about this before; people that put toilet paper on such that it is dispensed from the bottom of the roll should be harvested for organs.

27. Morning person, or night owl?

More night owl, really. I hate waking up. But then, I also hate falling asleep. I wish I only needed like 2 hours of sleep a day. Paradoxically, SLEEP IS AWESOME.

28. Eggs over easy, or sunny side up?

Oh man, now I’m totally hungry. Over easy is my style, since sunny side up is just silly. You get one side that’s over cooked and hard, and one side that’s runny and gross. It’s like eating a burnt booger.

29. Favorite place to relax?

In front of a TV in a comfortable chair. Mmm…chair.

30. Favorite pie?

Now my stomach is really starting to hurt. I’m partial to blueberry and Shoo Fly. Mmmm….pie. Man, I’m hungry. I better go get some afore I implode. I shall rap at all y’alls later.

STUDY QUESTIONS:

1) Matt totally made up the Scandinavian sounding name “Svikaak.” Is it not totally awesome?

2) How many of his responses are completely untrue? How many are just semi-true? Are there any in which you can tell he’s just yanking your chain to get a giggle? Does this make him a depressing loser?

3) If you were 17, and were driving a car the size of an industrial park, would you get any dates? Do you think Matt did?

4) Does having recurring dreams about Brad Pitt and Menudo getting on make Matt homosexual? Or just “a lil fruity?”

5) Is it silly for Matt to make fun of popular culture when he hasn’t even been to a movie theater for over 3 years? Is it silly for you to complain about the business of government if you didn’t even vote? Does George Bush strike you as someone who you would never, EVER, EVEREVEREVER buy a car from? Does John Kerry strike you as someone who couldn’t sell Cheetos to a stoner? Is it about 3 months too late to be making these kinds of jokes?

6) The name of Matt and Sarah’s gray cat is “J.D.” Matt insists she’s named after Jefferson Davis because she has a “grey coat.” Others think she’s named after Jack Daniels. Is Matt a big drunk liar?