Are people asleep today? In the 25 minutes it took me to get to the office this morning, I noticed 6 instances of people clearly not paying the least bit of attention to their driving, or to the other cars around them, or to the fact that dammit people I need to get somewhere, stop driving like there is an active blizzard, as opposed to slightly moist roads.
First, I made the right out of my development, and then eased into the left lane behind some kind of Oldsmobile that insisted that the proper distance between cars stopped at a redlight was 347 feet. This drives me nuts for many reasons, but in this case primarily because I needed to get into the left turn lane to make my U-turn, and this idiot wasn’t giving me enough room until I honked the horn for about 20 minutes.
Needless to say, I missed the left turn arrow. Luckily, there was no oncoming traffic so I was able to make my “u-ey” without waiting; if I’d missed the arrow and had to wait 5 minutes for a complete cycle of the light, that Oldsmobile would have gotten its license plate number taken down and reported to, oh, the IRS or something.
Next, while sitting at the red light at the intersection at Route 1, the person next to me realized they apparently didn’t want to be going west on 273; they needed to get on 1 North. So, rather than just turning right onto the exit ramp, (which has doubtful legality, but is definitely less likely to get you ticketed than reversing on a major road), he backed up 100 feet so he could take the proper exit. This wouldn’t normally be a huge problem for me, if he hadn’t timed it just so that he hit the exit at the same time as oncoming traffic began turning left onto the ramp. Technically, he did yield, once the traffic that had the right of way almost hit him.
Then, I had an idiot that apparently was reading the paper, or putting on his eyeshadow, or some such crap, and refused to accelerate away from the stop light. So I honked at him. Well, let me tell YOU, wasn’t I just the biggest #$*hole ever. This guy was gesturing, and waving, and of course still not accelerating, so I floored it around him in the turn lane, and THEN, boy howdy, did he get his revenge! He tailgated me all the way to the next light, at which point I changed lanes in such a way that he got stuck behind a mini-van driven by what appeared to be Connie Chung’s secret black cousin, if Connie Chung’s secret black cousin had a face raisin for a nose. (Which she just might. Anything’s possible in this great land we got us right heah.)
So, in case that fine, turtle-neck-wearing gentleman happens to be reading this: I apologize for interrupting your daily dose of “Cathy” just so I could get to work. It won’t happen again. (Next time I’ll just ram your ass.)
Of course, didn’t it happen again not 3 miles later, when some idiot in a jeep had one of his or her narcolepsy fits in front of the Avon plant. This person was a lot more apologetic about having fallen asleep, but then of course refused to drive any faster than 45 mph all the way into Newark, which happened to be the same speed as the elderly black woman in an 87 Cutlass who was immediately to my left, and whom I had diligently been trying to get past for 2 miles.
The Jeeptard also, of course, followed the standard procedure of blowing through the 35mph limit on 273 at close to 50mph, and then driving on Cleveland Avenue, which has the same 35mph limit, at 25. By the time I made it into work, the tears were streaming down my face, and I was seriously considering placing an order with “Massive Vehicle-Mounted Machine Guns R Us.com.” Then I remembered my job involves doing little more than keeping an eye on a bunch of computers, playing Freecell, and listening to mp3s of the Thompson Twins while my butt spreads out into the shape of my ergonomic chair. And I smiled.
Face Raisin: a large, unsightly black mole, with all kinds of bumps and wrinkles in it. May also feature prominent, coarse hairs.
